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Old 06-28-2010, 11:53 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Default Touch

There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?
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Old 06-29-2010, 12:08 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?
I was about to say, its all based on instinct for me. The people who are cuddly are cuddly. Sex usually comes naturally, you can feel it, I have never had to negotiate sex.

BUT...I have one friend who I am very close with, I love her as a dear friend, and she is very non cuddly. We usually ask each other if we want to hug or cuddle. There is no expectation either way except for permission.

So I guess I currently base, most of the time, touch on instinct but I am aware of people individual choice on personal space
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Old 06-29-2010, 01:01 AM
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I'll hug almost anyone to say hello and good bye. I'll cuddle children but no other adult besides Lilo. I just don't like sharing my energy with people through touch..especially in a cuddling sense. I also don't want anyone who isn't my Lover to share their energy with me through any form of touch other than a hug hello and a hug good bye...I will give hugs for emotional support to those I care about though.

I'm pretty hands off.

Touch is a tricky subject though. I never questioned touch in my monogamous relationships..it was such an automatic awareness of what was ok and what wasn't. Poly is sooo gray
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:21 AM
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Good Subject.

I am very hands-off to people I don`t know. I did not like strangers touching me when I was pregnant, nor even family and friends touching my belly when I was pregnant. I`m slightly irritated if someone I don`t know, in a social situation, puts their hands on me to move past me, rather then just asking me to move.

However I don`t tend to stew over things that others don`t know or understand.
If it is truly harmless, I don`t say a word....but If someone touches me that hasn`t spoke to me beforehand, as a come-on, I am not pleased.


Now that I sound like a total prude,....


I am fine with hugs hello, and good-bye from people I have good first impressions with, or obviously likeable people I know socially, family, and friends.

Cuddling would be for romantic interests only.(Outside of my kids and husband,... I could hug and cuddle forever !) I very much try and do cuddling at a level that feels compatable to both of us cuddling. My amount of cuddling is very mood oriented, but however my fellow cuddlers feel is very cool with me. I find I am very understandable to various amounts in different individuals.

Long as it isn`t overkill. I don`t care to be mauled.

I could not do the 'group hug' scenario, or community cuddling type of stuff. Ever. Not even to appease. lol
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:52 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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I love hugs
My family was typically very affectionate growing up, so I'm used to hugs and kisses. I wouldn't say I hug everyone, but there are few friends that I don't hug now and then.

Holding hands, touching, hugs, etc. with my guys is very important to me.
More intimate touching is something that I never realized I really valued until I met my boyfriend. He's very affectionate, gentle, touching is a big part of our relationship. I didn't realize until about a year ago how much I liked it and wanted more of it from my husband. He's affectionate too, it's just sometimes you don't know what you're missing until it's gone or you get it :P
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:58 AM
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I'm a very touchy feely person-but not with people I don't know AND TRUST.

I will hug hello and goodbye-like Mon.

I do NOT like people touching me when I'm pregnant without MY EXPRESS permission. That flat ticks me OFF.

I hug, kiss, cuddle and love on the kids all of the time.

I like to hug and snuggle with my guys.

I'm comfortable with my Em and my baby sister and my brother hugging, snuggling, sticking my feet in their lap or vice versa.

I'll hold hands with someone in pain or need and with my guys or my kids.

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Old 06-29-2010, 06:51 PM
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I pretty much want cuddlez from everyone I love, or have feelings for. It makes me sad because this is not the case. Sometimes when I connect with what people write on here I feel like if they were near me i would totally give them a hug. And not a whimpy hug, but a caring full hug attached with lingering hands.

I don't know...i wish more people for affection sluts like me :/
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:16 PM
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RP, I'm pretty much the same way. I'm not very touchy-feely until I'm pretty close to someone, but once I am, I'm a super cuddly person, with both friends and lovers. Even when I was monogamous, my husband always knew that there was no way I would ever give up snuggling with my friends, male and female. I just really like that physical closeness with those I care about.
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:07 PM
solarwindsfly solarwindsfly is offline
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I am very open to many about my background. In responce to this I say it varies. I was molested as a child and went through a rough time. I remember wanting to be hugged and held and being afraid of it too. It has affected me a lot in relationships. I say this because I know I am not the only one. I think for me a poly relationship has translated into safety for me. If I do not want to be touched I have my own room and can go there and not be touched or intimate for long periods of time. Other times however I will want this and my partners for the most part understand. Sex is another thing I struggle with. THere are certain things that I will not do at all. I also like that we have a word that indicates I need to stop. I consider this "special needs" like others have hearing issues or crutches. The poly lifestyle has given me the space and the sanctuary to explore and to heal safely. I am trusting more each day and hopefully in time I will have a better view of myself and those things like touch and sex.
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Old 06-30-2010, 09:35 PM
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Again, thanks for all the replies. I don't have any particular hang ups with this one. I just find it interesting in the context of poly relationships.

I have a very touchy nature. When I met LR and Maca from the forum this spring the first thing I did was run into maca's arms and then LR's (I hope they were okay with that). I wear my heart on my sleeve always. I can't help it. I am an open book. I love to give of myself in physical ways quite often. At work I always have in coming hugs and kisses from clients and love that kind of attention and giving in return (be rest assured the hugs are only given at work in return).

What I have noticed however is that I have a limit. I sometimes come home and am touched out. I find it hard to regain energy to give to my loves sometimes and often need to take some space. Sometimes they see that as my having an issue with something as touch is the first to go when I do. I become unable to touch someone I am struggling with.

I use touch as a gauge quite often in assessing where I am at with someone. I seem to struggle sometimes with Mono's apprehension about my touching others. I find I struggle with mono rules around touching quite often. I'm not sure if Mono's concerns are because he is mono or not?... Hmmm?...

The concern is things like cuddle parties or sitting too close to people that could have a crush on me. Its getting better, but has been a struggle. I don't even want to approach my longer than average hugs with my friend. I don't know what he thinks of that.

I guess I like to feel peoples energy. Feel their life force. I am super aware of stuff like that and crave it from those I am close to or want to be close to. I'm very intuitive. Its how I communicate and figure out stuff with them. It goes beyond words.

My tersiary is not a toucher, he gives me hugs when I ask but whinces and is awkward. One of the reasons we could never be more than intimate friends is for this reason. I don't know how to read that or what to do with it. I find half of my ability to communcucate is gone.

Derby and I touch often. Just a hand on the arm, I move her hair away from her eye, a quick hug or kiss. She seems to be like me in a lot of ways around touch. Just these simple gestures make a huge difference to feeling like we are okay and connected. I wonder what she thinks when we are all together and I am touching all my loves? I know its weird for me to see her touched by others.

Nerdist and I don't communicate often through touch. He is more of a starer. He will stare at me for long periods of time in order to figure out what is going on for me. Visual touch. The thing with that is that I get annoyed and he reads that as annoyed about stuff I'm not annoyed with. I'm annoyed that he is staring.

I suspect when he sees Mono and I lovin each other up he gets jealous sometimes. I am far more affectionate with Mono than nerdist. I don't remember being overly affectionate with nerdist since we had a child that globbed on to me from the moment I birthed him. I think its so important for primary relationships to keep on top of touching. Its so easy to go into "married mode" and forget to slow down and spend a moment with one another without talking about kid stuff, scheduling and what's for dinner. Guilty as charged with that one. We do a lot of bed cuddling and joking around though. That's something I suppose.
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