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Old 06-26-2010, 09:47 PM
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Endicott Endicott is offline
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Default Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

Poly dating is fun! I haven’t dated in 30 yrs as a "single" man (Pru and I were always a couple...a package deal) and it has been an illuminating experience.

Dating as a poly, to me, is difficult.

Monog women are scared of the idea as it smacks, in their mind, of infidelity. Many can’t conceive of an open loving relationship and find it too difficult to comprehend. Some confuse it with swinging (understandable, as there are common points). Others like the idea, but have to travel the path of awakening and while I am more than willing to help, it takes time for them to come to their own realization.

Finding poly women is difficult: it’s not like they wear a special necklace (though there is a good idea for monetization).

On the other hand, like sales I suppose, it’s all about finding someone who wants to hear your pitch with an open mind; this is really no different. It’s all about being in the right places.

The first “right place” I tried was on OKCupid: I was told that it is poly friendly, and to a large degree, that is true. I wrote what I think is a great profile and have some passable traffic. The best measure of success is that I have “met” (telephone, chat, email) two wonderful women who make my heart (and other things) race. I’ll meet one in a few weeks face to face: the other is much further away and likely won’t see her until August, given calendar.

But we talk daily; they both add so much to my life. And I am having a blast: I have discovered so much about me that I did not know, both things that make me proud, and things I need to work on, to be a better man, a better lover, a better partner.

One downside however, is the absence of courtesy.

There are trolls, people (not just men) who seem to get joy from venomous profile posts and emails. What is the motivation? Where is the fun in this?

The vast majority of women do not respond to an email when a fellow indicates interest. The claim is that “they are too busy” or that they are “afraid of an ugly response from the fellow”. I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners. I will accept a fear from getting a nasty-gram from a troll, but only partly. To act like that gives in to the trolls behavior and by default, makes the action acceptable.

Next items: local meetups and poly friendly venue’s (yeah Caliente!!!)

What works for you?
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  #2  
Old 06-26-2010, 10:46 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Endicott View Post
Poly dating is fun! I haven’t dated in 30 yrs as a "single" man (Pru and I were always a couple...a package deal) and it has been an illuminating experience.
Dating is fun ...I didn't know a poly date was any different

Quote:
Finding poly women is difficult: it’s not like they wear a special necklace (though there is a good idea for monetization).

On the other hand, like sales I suppose, it’s all about finding someone who wants to hear your pitch with an open mind; this is really no different. It’s all about being in the right places.
Yepper, if you aren't in a poly friendly area, you could have serious problems. If you are in a poly friendly area, your odds go up

I have heard the smaller poly areas are almost incestuous in feel since there is such a limitation. But at least there will be someone.

Quote:
The first “right place” I tried was on OKCupid: I was told that it is poly friendly, and to a large degree, that is true. I wrote what I think is a great profile and have some passable traffic. The best measure of success is that I have “met” (telephone, chat, email) two wonderful women who make my heart (and other things) race. I’ll meet one in a few weeks face to face: the other is much further away and likely won’t see her until August, given calendar.
Congrats on both

Quote:
One downside however, is the absence of courtesy.

There are trolls, people (not just men) who seem to get joy from venomous profile posts and emails. What is the motivation? Where is the fun in this?
Some people get off on it. Same in real life, there are people who enjoy belittling others to the benefit of increasing their own internal value

Quote:
The vast majority of women do not respond to an email when a fellow indicates interest. The claim is that “they are too busy” or that they are “afraid of an ugly response from the fellow”. I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners. I will accept a fear from getting a nasty-gram from a troll, but only partly. To act like that gives in to the trolls behavior and by default, makes the action acceptable.
Gonna be a dick here, but why? Why do they have to response. Its a web site, where I know girls get bombarded with requests. Honestly, you may not even realize the volume. And this isn't like a bar, this is a "poke, I am here and interested"...you may not get poked back. It isn't rude, its efficient This is the reality of online dating sites and social sites...

Quote:
Next items: local meetups and poly friendly venue’s (yeah Caliente!!!)
Enjoy

Quote:
What works for you?
ummm...this site has been good for me.

okc has been useless. But I am also not willing to ping girls in the city. I am to far away to make an effective "Date"...So useless is probably wrong

Bars works well for me. I am a social animal and love to flirt. I wouldn't say I have any gf's though.

Local munches. No dates again but meeting like minded people, which is a start.
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  #3  
Old 06-26-2010, 11:19 PM
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Endicott Endicott is offline
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Default Poly Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Dating is fun ...I didn't know a poly date was any different
With a regular date, you can't come home to your spouse and compare notes, or get tips and techniques. With a poly date, I have a coach! LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Gonna be a dick here, but why? Why do they have to response. Its a web site, where I know girls get bombarded with requests. Honestly, you may not even realize the volume. And this isn't like a bar, this is a "poke, I am here and interested"...you may not get poked back. It isn't rude, its efficient This is the reality of online dating sites and social sites...
No problem re "dickishness" You are allowed an opinion.

I understand your point, but courtesy is courtesy. Online or offline. A template "thank you no thank you" is better than silence and is just good manners. Its how I operate in the business world and with the websites I manage; this should be no different. And when we start talking about being efficient in the context of human relationships, we start treating people as objects, a nuisance and not a person.
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Old 06-27-2010, 12:45 AM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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I suspect some people create profiles, but don't check their e-mail, don't check the profile, move on with a relationship, and forget to take down their info.

So to me, the people who don't respond are okay. Heck, they may respond next week/month.

Regarding, the insulting/rude/hateful people... I'm less kind. Fortunately, they are already living with their attitude... so the world really is as bad as they make it. I don't post a photo for a number of reasons. Apparently, that is a signal for some men to attack, and insult. I was also moving too fast. ("hey, you live near me, would you like to meet for coffee today?")

I've abandoned on-line dating. While I enjoy a bit of physical pain, the emotional torture/humiliation is not my thing.
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Old 06-27-2010, 12:05 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ive been on okc since Jan 09 and it's worked great for me. I found my current partner there just 2 wks after I joined and have met/dated about 30 men. I currently have about 3 young men I see and a couple new ones on hold.

I get messaged a lot on okc, despite my age, which is 54. I do not respond to unsuitable men. If they are a really low match percentage, I figure they didnt read my profile anyway, and are just horny/playahs/users/losers, and I can't abide that. If one does respond w a thanks but no thanks message, they take that as a yes anyway, and then you can get into a stalker situation.
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Old 06-27-2010, 02:05 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
, despite my age, which is 54. I do not respond to unsuitable men. If they are a really low match percentage, I figure they didnt read my profile anyway, and are just horny/playahs/users/losers, and I can't abide that. If one does respond w a thanks but no thanks message, they take that as a yes anyway, and then you can get into a stalker situation.
Interesting, what do you find is an adequate percentage.

I find the questions fun but useless. Take my kink rating, I am...hmm 11% or something. I went back and reviewed my answers and realized my straight disinterest in transgendered people seemed to really affect my score.

I spend more time reviewing people tests. I love those, so comical and sometimes so accurate
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:08 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Endicott View Post


No problem re "dickishness" You are allowed an opinion.

I understand your point, but courtesy is courtesy. Online or offline. A template "thank you no thank you" is better than silence and is just good manners. Its how I operate in the business world and with the websites I manage; this should be no different. And when we start talking about being efficient in the context of human relationships, we start treating people as objects, a nuisance and not a person.
New to this thread, so I am behind....

Of course , I don't know your approach when introducing yourself, but as a woman who wrote at the bottom do her OKCupid profile:

You should message me if
You want to interact online with someone who enjoys exchanging ideas without any preconceived notions of hooking up - I love intelligent conversation!

And the first email is about hooking up. Or the conversation starts out with: how r u? I feel like the person really hasn't taken the time to read my profile. I just received one whose opening gambit is that he'd like to build a long-term relationship with me. He doesn't know me for fuck's sake! It is creepy.

I do try to respond, but sometimes I just don't have the energy to deal with it.
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Old 10-03-2013, 05:31 PM
sillyskydragon sillyskydragon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Endicott View Post
With a regular date, you can't come home to your spouse and compare notes, or get tips and techniques. With a poly date, I have a coach! LOL
Yep one of the best parts of being in a poly relationship/s is that you have support nomatter what the relationship dynamics are.
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  #9  
Old 12-26-2010, 07:07 PM
Raven Raven is offline
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Default A couple online dating etiquette ?s

I've come up on a couple of questions that I'm not sure how to handle on OKC. Hoping for some advice.

The first question is a little convoluted... I started messaging someone and later recognized her as someone who works at the (family, not adult) video rental store down the street (I'm 98% certain). Mal and I usually go to this store 2-4 times a month. I messaged her, asking if she does work at this store and saying that we may have met in passing. I sent this message six days ago. She hasn't written back yet. I realize this could simply be that it's the holidays and she's been busy, but she has logged in a couple of times and I think it's possible that she may not ever write me back. If she doesn't, how should I handle going to the video store? I have several pictures up online, so if I go in it's entirely possible that she will recognize me. Should I pretend I don't know her? Introduce myself? Avoid the store entirely and rent movies from another store? I've had the impression that it's an unwritten rule that you don't create a meeting with someone from an online dating site without mutual agreement, but how do you handle that when the person works at a place you go to on a regular basis?

The other question is probably more common, and I think I'm asking this mostly because I have so little experience dating, much less using an online dating site. There's one person I've been messaging that I've realized I'm just not compatible with in "that way". I know I could just stop messaging her, but that seems... rude, and cheap. Neither of us have said anything specific about dating / wanting a girlfriend, it's just been friendly messages about our lives and interests. Is there a polite way to say, "thanks, but I'm only interested as pen pals"?

Thanks for any advice / opinions
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  #10  
Old 12-26-2010, 08:31 PM
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Andy4700 Andy4700 is offline
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First off I HATE IT when people just stop responding to messages! I have had it happen several times on OKC... Its so lame and shallow.... OKC is flakey girl central.

In the case of the woman you're not interested in, as long as you haven't talked specifics, and you don't mind the occasional pen-pal email... why not just keep going at that rate? If she comes right out and asks something specific you can then just say something along the lines of you just don't feel that kind of connection.

In my search I met a woman a few hours away that "could" fit the arrangement I want... but there is like no attraction at all. But at the same time I like to talk to her now and then about randomness too. Online dating is just like real dating... sometimes there just isn't a connection on that level and you just end up meeting a new person, friend if you're really lucky.

As far as video store girl goes.... I again think its incredibly rude to just ignore someone after they took the time to write you an email.... grrr, but you could just "bigger" person and continue renting videos there like nothing ever happened and just treat her like you always have. I really doubt she is going to bring it up. Did you get into specifics with her?

Then again there is always netflix...
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