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  #1  
Old 06-25-2010, 01:37 PM
Hush Hush is offline
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Default My(long) story, Am I Poly?

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  #2  
Old 06-25-2010, 03:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Hush View Post
So, I've selfishly dropped the topic. But I feel a little guilty because I am in love with two men. My husband may know a lot more about my affair than he's leading on. I have thought all along that he must know. Plus, he sees
me as a fun and happy person like the one he met.
Honestly you should feel guilty. You are cheating. Even if he is now giving the ok.

You might be surprised that the lack of sex was because he knew something was wrong and trying to process it.

You may have saved years of pain by mentioning it initially...but hindsight is 20/20 so you have to work with what you have now.

Quote:
I know you will ask if I think he's been cheating. I honestly don't. I think I am his love and his fantasy! I don't think that he understands love an intamacy. And I'm not sure how I'd feel about him being with another woman. But I would let him if he asked. It's only fair. I do think about HIM falling in love with someone else and leaving me. I don't want to marry this other many. I honestly don't beleive that with the realities that come with living and being married to someone, he and I would have what it takes to make it. Number one, being communication. My husband and I have great communnication and always have. On the other hand my lover has told me he would want me to be his wife in a heartbeat.
So guy #2 wants you as a wife. you have a husband you apparently don't want to leave, and you want both. Just clarifying.

You need to figure out if hubby doesn't mind you loving someone else. Honestly, sex and love are different beasts. You having sex with other men can be a turn on, you have a lover may not be.

you also need to figure out if number 2 is willing to be the bf for the rest of the relationship

Quote:
I'm so confused. I do not want to leave my husband for this other man. But I don't want to end my affair. I feel like I've been given a gift in a way. How wrong is this? And am I poly? What's my husband? Or Is this an open marriage. Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated!!
Affair...that wording is specific. Are you concerned about bringing it up with the husband because it will no longer be an affair. It will be a relationship. Was the secrecy of it what you craved for excitement. Just thinking out loud.

Poly is simply loving multiple. You seem to, although its built on a fault line. You have been cheating and honestly step one is to stop "dropping it" and communicate. You say you communicate with your husband but there seems to be a lot of "dropping it" happening. If he doesn't care and wants a dadt (don't ask dont tell) policy then great, if you want a proper V where everyone is a happy family, then you need to talk to both partners.

First step talk to hubby
second step talk to bf and make sure he is comfortable being a forever bf knowing you will stay married to hubby.

Once you have communication out of the way and know what each of the 3 want (including you) you can start to build a proper non-hidden relationship. Having a successful poly relationship isn't any different than a successful monogamous one. Lots of work, lots of communication and lots of love
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Old 06-25-2010, 03:58 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Excellent advice from Ariakas. You have to talk to both husband and BF if you want to feel honest and turn the affair into an open relationship.

"The crazy thing is I'm starting to look at my husband in a different light. I'm not cringing when he touches me. I'm now enjoying his company and looking forward to him coming home when he does. It's strange. Maybe because I'm feeling less guilty?"

And because you two have started to be open with each other. Honesty is soooo sexy! It's the foundation of real feeling, so of course when you start opening up you feel closer...and you feel more attraction. That's what happens in dating, right? You start to open up, you start to feel for someone, you care about them, and magic happens.

Here's what I see: in your situation the love you give your BF is not subtracted from the love you can give your husband. Instead, when you feel happier and more alive then you have more love to show both men. It could be that your husband understands this somehow already. It sounds a little bit like that may be the case; he may feel happy that you are able to be happy in your relationship with someone else. That's compersion and it's a very beautiful thing to have when people are in multiple relationships.

I agree with Ariakas: the optimal path would be to become as open and honest as possible with both men.

To do that I suppose you have to be pretty clear with yourself too: are you with your husband forever, or is it possible that you will divorce him and marry your BF? Is it OK with you if your BF or your husband has another girlfriend? Are you going to introduce your BF to your children or your friends -- in other words, do you want to come out about your lifestyle? (Not all people can do that, for various reasons; the married couple I'm involved with are not out to most of their friends and keep their lifestyle secret from their grown children.)

Lots of questions! But happiness is on the horizon, right? You mention feeling happier than you've felt for a very long time, and that can only be good! Make it strong, build to last, and do it consciously and with awareness!
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Old 06-25-2010, 05:40 PM
SayYes SayYes is offline
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And because you two have started to be open with each other. Honesty is soooo sexy! It's the foundation of real feeling, so of course when you start opening up you feel closer...and you feel more attraction. That's what happens in dating, right? You start to open up, you start to feel for someone, you care about them, and magic happens.

Here's what I see: in your situation the love you give your BF is not subtracted from the love you can give your husband. Instead, when you feel happier and more alive then you have more love to show both men. It could be that your husband understands this somehow already. It sounds a little bit like that may be the case; he may feel happy that you are able to be happy in your relationship with someone else. That's compersion and it's a very beautiful thing to have when people are in multiple relationships.
This is exactly what happened for me with my husband after we took the leap into poly. I had really been struggling with my level of desire for him, fearing that the way I loved him had evolved into more of a friendship-type love. But once we were no longer monogamous, I felt my passion and desire for him totally return. I think for me it was in large part that feeling you describe of being happier and more alive and thriving loving two men, but it was also the fact that sex with my husband no longer felt "required" in the same way it had when I was unhappily monogamous. It started to feel like a free expression of love again, rather than part of a structure I was miserable with.
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Excuse me for saying so, but having an affair and then saying that you and your husband have excellent communication just does not compute for me. Excellent communication would mean complete openness and honesty. Your affair indicates that you do not have this.

There is A LOT of work to be done here... you really know very little about your husband at all it seems to me... all guess work and assumptions. In my book, that does not make good communication. You don't know why he would like you to have other lovers, you don't know if he knows about your other lover, you haven't expressed any of your feelings to him about how depressed you were, how this man makes you feel, how dressing up for him and domming him made you feel it seems... it just so happens that his agenda, so far, jives with yours! That is not good communication, that is luck...

I can tell you by experience that your world will unfold very differently when all is discussed and out in the open entirely. You will really know what good communication really is and will be challenged by it. Every last doubt, fear, hope, bit of info will bring change and challenges.

Will it be better? It sounds like it very well could push your relationship to a realm you have never known in terms of compassion, passion, trust, connection etc and be a huge positive.

The definite part about it all is that you will be free. Free from the guilt, the foggy haze of living an emotional half life, free to love the other man with everything you have and your husband as well and will most definitely love your self more than you ever have just in the pride of being straight up about your life as an end result, regardless of what happens.
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  #6  
Old 06-26-2010, 02:50 AM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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From what I read of your post, your cheating! Having sex and falling in love are two very different things. I am in noway poly. My wife.......well thats complicated at the moment. I wouldnt call her boyfriend an affair but I sure dont like what is happening in my life. You need to talk to your hubby and come clean or keep your mouth closed and watch your life fall apart, because it will. If you havent talked to hubby and explained what you are going thru then you dont have any respect for him and ecspecially yourself. Figure out what you want and then tell your husband. Be prepared because the worst is yet to come. It has been a big train wreck for me for about 3 months now and its getting worse. You owe it to yourself and your husband to be honest.
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Old 06-26-2010, 06:33 PM
andrewwright andrewwright is offline
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Default Love all emotionally not physically - get away from mental intrigue

in response to HUSH's original messgae:

I used to be addicted to porn, until I read this book, and applied it to my life. OPEN TO BLISS by Omid mankoo. his blog http://sagehope.wordpress.com
With no exaggeration, it explained sexual attraction and sexual addiction, and showed how mymind works and how to set myself free.

So the knowledge I am sharing with you is based on knowing and experiencing. Now I simply cannot be seduced.

Your husband was tantalized by porn. his thouhts of you being with other men, mentally tantalized him. He might have had and continue to have sexual relationships with others, though you do not know about it. even though you may swear that he deos not. the fact of the matter is that you do not know for sure. all those years of being away he might have gotten involved with many sexual situations. and maybe not. however the case remains that he was mentally tantalized. this tantalization is a symptom of intigue, a mind intrigue. the mind is intrigue by unusualness of situations, persons, love and sex, etc.

People mistake this unusual rushing feeling, and mental intrigue for love and sexual excitement. however sexual excitement need not be always accompanied by the mental intigue that we so often mistakenly attribute to sexual excitement. this is true of love also. the mental intrigue we first feel when we are in love or close to possibly being in love is tantalizing to the brain. it is ususally there, becausae we are young when we feel these things, and things are new to us.

The natural relating of man and woman to get to honestly know each other, to honestly know of each other's feelings, and to grow genuinely close together and to love each other and then to express that genuine love by every means possible even by means of sex, is truly pheniomeal, it far superceeds the excitement that we mistakenly attribute to feeling alive and aware. however it is true that we are very much alive and aware when we are interacting with someone new, or someone whom we should not be interacting with, because it mentally intrigues us. this is a mind trick.

truthfully we ought to be live and aware at every moment of our lives, even in marriage. sadly people lose this awareness, and look at marriage as just another day, and so it becomes the norm, and loses its excitement that we so mistakenly attribute to attraction.

So it was your husband's liek of tantalizatuion which allowed for you to have some of what he cmistakenly considered bwing alove and living with excitement. in a way he was being generous to you. however he was mistaken. as far as love: one can love whomever that one open's one's mind and heart to. it is a matter of willingness.

try to clear up your confusion by understanding this love of all concept. as you know already the reason why people stick to one partner is multifold, one reason being deseases. So have that in mind.
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Old 06-26-2010, 07:02 PM
Hush Hush is offline
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Last edited by Hush; 07-22-2010 at 10:32 PM.
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  #9  
Old 06-27-2010, 03:41 PM
saudade saudade is offline
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Hush, it sounds like you've gotten into an awful predicament. A lot of people on here realized we were poly because of situations we've gotten ourselves into, many of which involved cheating. I cheated emotionally in every mono romantic relationship I was in, and even sexually a few times (confessions and tears and yelling and all). Then I learned about poly, got some hard knocks, and eventually straightened myself out, and I won't ever put myself in a position where I'd consider cheating again.

You do all need to talk, a lot, and hopefully do some reading as well. The Ethical Slut is a book I'd recommend highly, and there's an entire thread of reading recommendations on this site... somewhere.

Some things I'd ask your husband, if I were in your shoes:
  • Is he still serious about being comfortable with you having sex with other men? (Other women?) Are there specific acts or details he'd be uncomfortable with (oral, sex in the home you share, kink, etc.)?
  • Does he understand how you relate sex and love in your head? (Do you understand yourself in this way, enough to talk about it?) Is he comfortable with you having sex if love is involved?
  • Is he comfortable with you having loving sex with the man you've cheated on him with? Is he fully aware that the two of you haven't stopped seeing each other? (Yes, I'd say you do need to ask outright. It's your call, of course.)
  • Has he considered how his permission for you to have sex might be part of his addiction to porn? Is he comfortable with the ways the two issues may be tangled? (Are you?)
  • Is this permission only for when he's traveling? (What are your thoughts on that?)

It sounds like you and your boyfriend (if you feel comfortable with the label, Hush, I'm willing to use it as well) have already done a fair amount of talking in terms of expectations, but all on the assumption that what you're doing is illicit. If it becomes open, how does that change his expectations, and yours? If he's a 'secondary' or even 'primary' for you, does that mean he won't walk away if he finds someone else? Will he want to move in with you? Would he expect to see you more/less/differently in a hypothetical new arrangement?

What kind of interactions are you all expecting your husband and your boyfriend to have? If one person is picturing them never meeting, and one person wants a coffee date and then minimal contact afterwards, and the third person wants to cohabit, then you're in trouble!

@RP: Slow it down. I know cheating is an issue you respond to really strongly, and I understand that, but I suspect Hush feels guilty enough as it is-- without your words. She says she's here because she wants to work on things, so let's get more information from her and offer advice, not just tear her down.

In cahoots,
~S
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Old 06-28-2010, 06:09 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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[*]Has he considered how his permission for you to have sex might be part of his addiction to porn? Is he comfortable with the ways the two issues may be tangled? (Are you?)
This is where I am struggling with all this and why I was thinking it sounded more normalized than perhaps is the usual. I think that Andrew really hit the nail on the head for me also in that perhaps you husband has had his fair share of affairs himself... maybe this is why for him it means little to nothing to say that he would be fine with you sleeping with other men. Perhaps it eases his own guilt. Perhaps he is so unattached to sex that it means absolutely nothing to him for you to have other men to have sex with. In fact I can totally see how his fantasizing about it might be more of a turn on than actually watching it if he is addicted to porn.

@Andrewwright- I liked your post. I didn't quite get it, but will check the link. Definitely food for thought.

Quote:
Originally Posted by saudade View Post
@RP: Slow it down. I know cheating is an issue you respond to really strongly, and I understand that, but I suspect Hush feels guilty enough as it is-- without your words. She says she's here because she wants to work on things, so let's get more information from her and offer advice, not just tear her down.
I agree, I was triggered with the "boyfriend" thing. It just kind of bugs when I work my ass off to have a boyfriend that is legit and Hush has one that is the result of cheating and affair. BUGS! sorry hush, it just does to me. *whine*

slowing down, having patience. bit of a tender spot for me right now and nothing to do with this thread....

.................................................. ................

"You don't call him your boyfriend, you don't act all surprised that he has an emotional reaction to that and you say your good byes to your other man just incase its done or you don't see him for a very long time. You also say goodbye to what you have known, because it will all change from here.

Elaborate please?"

When I cheated on a boyfriend I was alarmed that he was emotional about it. I knew he'd be mad but he was devastated and I was genuinely surprised as I knew we weren't all that together in our relationship and hadn't been for awhile. I wish I had said good bye to the guy I had cheated with as it was impossible to create a good occasion to after I confessed. My world changed entirely and the moment we had had together was lost for ever. I didn't know that would happen.

I saw it as an entirely different thing when my boyfriend found out. It's impossible not to when you think you are going from one to the other with such ease and grace (even though you heart is in your throat every second of the day) and then the whole thing is ripped out from underneath you and you fall on your ass and really, no one is all that keen to pick you up again.

I am hoping that by giving you this info that you will realize what is possibly about to happen in your confessing.... I don't think it would be to your advantage to give you a sugar coated version..... maybe your husband has cheated too, maybe it hasn't all been that awesome in your marriage, maybe this will mean nothing and you will go about your merry way after you confess and this will be all for naught, but to me, from experience, there has never been any moment where it has been a good idea to make things better by cheating. Sure, it means you got some feel good moments of happiness, but they were a lie. Built on a lie.

I encourage you to find those feel good moments based on truth and pure integrity. I can tell you, there is nothing more elating than being completely up front, working through the shit storm that one causes and coming out the other side a free woman... I for one will never look back. Not for a million years. Honesty and openness have saved my heart and made me more happy than I thought imaginable. I sincerely wish for you that you give it a try and get to the bottom of your confusion. Not what you think might be it, but really what it is that is confusing and holding you back, so that you can also have a chance at being purely happy.

I don't know how you will do that, but keep talking. It will work out.
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