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Old 10-21-2012, 06:44 AM
Bennu Bennu is offline
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Default Its our first big hiccup and Im in need of advice

Hi there, Im Bex.

My husband and I decided at my request to explore a poly relationship nearly a year ago. In that time we had been pretty open with each other about interests and he had one connection with a woman when he was away for work. When he got back we discussed it and I was fine. I clarified my need to know what is going on (I think that might be a personal kink - which Im not sure is normal or not), and that he needed to tell me asap when things arose. From my point of view I have been proactive in letting him know before anything happens, so that he knows where I am at and how I am feeling about the interactions and attractions I have with other people.
We recently hit a big road bump...
He slept with a number of my friends and did not tell me about it. He insists that he was planning to, but once he hadn't said anything about the first one, he felt that if mentioned the others he was concerned about how I would react around them since I was working on a project with them. Most of them were single events, one person he slept with twice and there was also a girl he was seeing for a few weeks (which ended up being the reason I found out, from a friend and not him). When we first discussed it I was upset, I felt he had plenty of time to tell me, and he was being open with her around our friends when I wasn't there. Just not with me. He told me about 2 of the people he had slept with when I asked if there were more. As I was starting to get myself out of my slump, I bumped into another friend of mine and gave her a run down of the stresses in my life she let me know that he had not disclosed all of the truth, and that I needed to re-approach him. This was a week after first finding out he had been decietful. We had another arguement, and I told him that I knew he had been lying, and that I needed the truth. It was a total of 7 of my friends.

I feel really stupid, and I am completely blown away by his actions. In my mind, entering a polyamory relationship with my husband would give us the opportunity to share more love, to explore that new world together and still check in to make sure the other was ok, and we weren't moving too quickly. I realise now that we have serious communication issues, and I have lost my trust. I dont want to give up the idea of being poly - it just resonates for me, but I dont know whether I can come back to the middle with him on this one. Its not that I dont love him, I do. I just feel really hurt, and left out. I feel like all of my friends were party to a big lie, and of the multitudes that knew, only one could be honest with me. Even the person who I thought was my best friend couldn't give me that, and for me communication is the non-negotiable. Open and honest on all fronts to all parties.

I dont know if I am over-reacting, but I am not sure that I want to continue to be with him. He says it was all one big mistake.... to me it feels like many.

I read a few of the advice forums and I really appreciated the range of perspectives that you gave. I could use some of that myself if anyone has the time.

Thanks -
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  #2  
Old 10-21-2012, 09:40 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Hey there, welcome.

You are seriously doubting yourself here? I can't really see any reason why you should feel like you are overreacting right now. I would be through the roof. It doesn't matter what name you give this or he is trying to excuse his behaviour with ... he completely broke and violated your trust, as well as your 'friends' (I would seriously reconsider if I would call those people friends any longer as well). What is this situation?! Poly doesn't mean that you have an excuse for sleeping around as long as you plan to tell your partner at some uncertain point about what you are doing. Even one friend would be a total deal breaker for me as well as one stranger, friend makes it even worse from my point of view, let alone a whole bunch of them.

I can only tell what I would do: I would distance myself from those people and him. No one who is able to go behind my back and look me in the face afterwards without feeling the need to tell me what happened is someone I would want in my life in any thinkable way.

Sorry that this happened.
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  #3  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:01 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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You are not over-reacting. You had agreements in place, you had communicated with him your need to know about anything that came up asap.

"Planning on" telling you? Worried about how you would react around them because you were working on a project together? Perhaps he should have thought about that before he slept with them! And why is he worrying about how you would react around them when he should be worrying about his relationship with you!

I, too, would be completely blown away by his actions - they are unconscionable. Even one "slip up" - getting carried away with a good friend one night at a party, for instance - could be a deal breaker for many people (mono or poly). But seven - seven is no "Ooops, honey, I screwed up." Seven is systematically taking advantage of the situation with no regard for you, your friendships, or your relationship.

To be successful, poly requires honesty and trust - and even then there is no guarantee that things will work. He failed on the honesty and destroyed your trust.

"Poly" is not an excuse for being a FLAMING ASSHAT!

JaneQ
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  #4  
Old 10-21-2012, 12:38 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phy View Post
HPoly doesn't mean that you have an excuse for sleeping around as long as you plan to tell your partner at some uncertain point about what you are doing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
"Poly" is not an excuse for being a FLAMING ASSHAT!
Oh come on, I thought words were ever-evolving and "fluid", and nobody owns the definition of "poly"!
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Old 10-21-2012, 12:57 PM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Oh come on, I thought words were ever-evolving and "fluid", and nobody owns the definition of "poly"!
Even if there are many definitions on the one hand that can co-exists next to each other, one knows what it is not quite well on the other hand.
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  #6  
Old 10-21-2012, 01:39 PM
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Eudora Eudora is offline
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OH, honey.

First of all, you seem like you're handling this really well. I mean, I haven't been there for your discussions, but in your writing I see a gentleness and a bravery.

It seems to me that your husband went a little berserk on testing boundaries, that he might be one of those people who needs to step over limits to understand them... and that he may have gotten a little high on the new-person-to-sleep-with thing. He may be a little addicted to it. And he may be ashamed of that addicted, ashamed of his new sexual freedom, and deeply afraid of losing you and probably pretty conflicted about his actions.

Yes, he acted a FOOL.
But that doesn't mean you ability to communicate is broken.

How is he behaving now? Do you believe in his devotion to you? Does he understand the multitude of boundaries that he crossed? Is he even asking for forgiveness? Is he trying to re-earn your trust?

You guys can work through this if it's what you really need and you will come out with an arsenal of new knowledge and deeper love.
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