Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-18-2012, 04:41 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Unhappy This is the end. How did this happen?

Wow. I can't believe how much things have changed since the last time I posted. I thought we were making it work. We were adjusting.

Leaf's new love Flower decided she didn't want to share him. I thought she was going to break it off with him and just be friends. She said she can't compete with me (not something Leaf or I ever expected her to do) and she can't be with him if his heart is divided.

Leaf panicked. He doesn't want to lose her. He feels very strongly for her and he says they have a promising future. He told her he wants to be with her. This made her very happy. She wants to be with him.

He tells me he can't decide. He doesn't know what to do. He loves me very much and he doesn't want to hurt me or lose me. It's a terrible decision she is forcing him to make. After 10 years of love and devotion..... he is picking her.

He won't say it with any definitive statement yet. I think he is still trying to spare my feelings. But he is choosing her and I know it. I know him better than anyone else in the entire world. He already knows what life is like with me and he can't stand the idea of never knowing what it could be like with her.

He told me he thinks relationships go in cycles. Ours is fading while theirs is just beginning. I asked if he will jump from one relationship to another his whole life and he said, "Would that be so bad?"

I asked her if she believes he has made the decision. He said yes. I asked if he HAS made a decision. He looked at me with the saddest eyes ever and said, "maybe."

I can't stop hoping. I can't let him go. I can't bow out and let them be happy. I just can't do anything but sit here and wait for him to leave me. For someone he has only known for a month and a half. How can he put her before me? He loves me. I know he loves me. How can he do this to me?
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 04:52 PM
peabean peabean is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 57

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, which is understandable.

I'm not sure your history with poly but I wonder if Leaf has heard of the term New Relationship energy (NRE)? NRE is very powerful, that rush of feeling you get when you fall for someone. It is also ephemeral, so it is difficult to say you have a 'promising future' with someone you've only known for 1.5months. Typically at that point what you have is a whole lot of lust and NRE.

Was he always poly? If so, is this girl worth going mono for? Is there any way all 3 of you can sit down and talk about the capacity to love more than one person. It seems that in her NRE jealousy is ruling her feelings. I would suspect that as NRE fades he will feel resentful towards her for making him choose, but by that point he will have burned bridges with you.

Again, I'm so sorry for your pain.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:01 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Default A little background

We have been in an open relationship for 5 years but this is the first attempt at practicing true polyamory because we have both only had casual relationships. The Leaf met Flower and we started really figuring out how this would work when love is involved.

I truly believe that Leaf and I are both polyamorous. I have had my doubts about him lately, but I think he is poly. Having spent most of our lives as theoretical, but not practicing polys I don't know if it is something he is devoted to as a lifestyle. We never did get to see it work.

Flower was not poly. I guess she attempted to understand and be okay with it. She said she was okay with it, but then decided she wants him all to herself or not at all.

He knows what NRE is. But I don't think he can view it objectively for what it is. He is so caught up in the feeling he won't stop and think about it rationally.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:03 PM
gomugirl1656's Avatar
gomugirl1656 gomugirl1656 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 78
Default Lost

I am so sorry to hear this is happening. I had a lot to say and many questions but I think maybe pure sympathy for your position is what you are asking for not advice. If you need something please pm me and I will offer what support I can as an outside who is poly longterm. Know that your happiness is important to me and I hope you can find a space to chose that even in this trying situation. Again I am so sorry. Hang on.

Self honesty, communication, respect trifecta of a good start.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:13 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Default What I need... I don't know

I do need sympathy. I want someone to hug me so bad right now. I am far away from my family and best friends - we moved to a different province two years ago.

I have only loved this one man in my whole life. We met when I was 16 and have been in love ever since. We moved in together a week before my 18th birthday and have been happily "common-law" since then. This is maddening. It is torture. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced and I have only text messages from back home for comfort. I had to leave work today because I couldn't face talking to people without my voice breaking - I work in a call centre.

But I do want advice. I want to answer questions and ask them. I need to talk this out. I need someone to tell me what I can do. Please help me. Anything would help right now.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:14 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

This makes me feel very sad. I, too, wonder if he is just blinded by NRE. However, sometimes, for some people, having an "open relationship" is euphemism for "I am allowed to "test drive" a new person to figure out if I want to leave the person I am already with before I give up on a "sure thing" to pursue something that may or may not work." If the latter is in fact the case (as opposed to "just NRE"), then it is over for the two of you.

It really does suck, and everything else is just details.

ETA: I think "virtual hugs" are kind of lame and high-school-y, but if anyone truly deserves them, it's you right now.

So, "hugs" to you and I wish I could say something that would fix the pain you are going through.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 10-18-2012 at 05:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:40 PM
LostInLove4 LostInLove4 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14

How can I possibly convince him that it's just NRE? If he lets her go, he will always have that doubt. Wondering what it could have been. He will blame me for that.

I believe the only way to stop this from happening is to convince Flower to stay with him and let him be with me too. He will never let her go willingly and the only way for him to know if it is just NRE is for him to keep seeing her.

I want to talk to Flower. I want to show her that it can work. I want to convince her to keep trying poly. I feel like if I had met her sooner this wouldn't have happened. But I don't think I can convince her of anything other than that I am grasping at a man that is leaving me for her.

Leaf is making this decision WAY too fast I think. I want him to slow down and think this through. He is making a life changing decision. We are as married as you can be without the license. Joint finances for everything. We are hold a joint car loan, credit cards, bank accounts. We have a dog (thank goodness no kids). We have a completely intertwined life. As it stands he has to break all of that to be with her and he made this decision in a matter of two days.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 05:42 PM
Anek's Avatar
Anek Anek is offline
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Munich, Germany
Posts: 45

I'm sorry you're hurting. I have no suggestions, just hugs.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2012, 06:00 PM
Phy's Avatar
Phy Phy is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Oh dear ... honestly, I feel for you. I know how you go in circles when you feel for someone who is just unsure of what he feels for you. Especially in this situation with seemingly lots of NRE going around. This is ridiculously fast. You don't care for your own well being and try everything to just fix this situation and search for a glimpse of hope.

But you shouldn't let go of yourself. It doesn't sound like he will learn this any other way than the hard one. If he is set on exploring this relationship and doesn't want to listen to common sense and does everything what she is asking of him, including telling her that the decision has been made already while still lying to you about it (for whatever reason) … don't involve yourself for so long and suffer like that.

If you are able to, wait for him to come around eventually but separate yourself from this mess for now. I am getting angry just reading about it, but I guess that you are just hurting too much to feel something like anger. Try to think of the consequences, even if they seem to be far away. Please, don't just be understanding of him like your posts seem to imply that you are at the moment. Call him on his shit, that's just unacceptable behavior from my point of view. If he claims to be polyamorous, there should be enough feelings for you to make him think about you just for some seconds.

Sorry if this isn't helpful, I can't stand such behavior at all.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

My Blog
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:29 PM.