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  #1  
Old 10-17-2012, 12:11 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Default feeling down about the closet

So, I recently attempted to start a poly facebook group. We now have 16 members. We've made the group "secret" meaning that nothing that gets posted by members will show up publicly (it's only able to be seen by other members), but several people messaged me about privacy concerns.

It was then that I realized that even when a mutual friend of mine first brought up the idea of creating the site, I'd felt fear and anxiety. The first time I posted in it and saw something I'd written about polyamory scroll down the news feed, I felt a flutter of panic. I'm out to my family and most of my friends, but there are some friends and certainly all of my coworkers who still don't know that I'm poly.

I don't want them judging me and assuming all sorts of negative things about me and my partners and my partner's partners. Not only that, but my partners (etc) have their own reasons for not coming out to friends/family or co-workers and I have to be careful to respect their wishes as well.

This week, for some reason, maybe just seeing the nervous reactions of the people joining my group, maybe because of this three year build up of silence about who I love and why, I've started getting down about being in the closet. There is such a big dichotomy between the joy I feel about my partners and my metamores and the harsh or petty judgments people have about the way we live.

That's it. I'm just venting. Is anyone else feeling sick of the mothballs? Any advice on how to deal with the closet blues?
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  #2  
Old 10-17-2012, 11:22 AM
BlackJester BlackJester is offline
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Where I'm utterly inexperienced in poly relationships, the closet is familiar enough. It sucks some serious cajones when you feel a certain way and just want to have that accepted but can't. I chose that if I was coming out, I was doing it right and accepting myself first.

Mothballs aren't my favorite, but I'm used to them lol
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  #3  
Old 10-17-2012, 11:26 AM
Fayerweather Fayerweather is offline
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Thanks Black!

Browncoats unite!
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  #4  
Old 10-18-2012, 08:39 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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It helps to have someone close to, like a friend, whom you can talk openly with.

I'm somewhat used to the sort of "half in, half out" because the people that really matter to me know and are alright with it. Most of my coworkers and friends know but very few of my family knows.

For me, the worst is having to bite my tongue when people talk about relationships. Today at work (I work with adults with special needs) we had someone getting lectured by one of our other counselors regarding relationships and she said "If he's not willing to date you and only you, he doesn't care about you as much as he should." Which, in the instance of who she was talking about, was actually true but in hearing things like I want so badly to contest it but I cant.

I'm also ready to punch the next person in the throat who says "Oh I couldn't do that, I'm too jealous!" I'm so profoundly tired of that response and EVERYBODY says it. I realize its not particularly vapid or insulting, its just that its invariably the first thing out of someone's mouth when they find out.
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  #5  
Old 10-27-2012, 07:07 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
"Oh I couldn't do that, I'm too jealous!"

Me: "oh, you couldn't? That's too bad. Sucks to be you. I *love* having two boyfriends."



(purely theoretical, no one has dissed me yet. The people I care about all know. I'm only out to one person at work, though my mentor suspects. He is the kindest man I have ever had the privilege to work with, and I'm certain I would not lose his professional respect.)

Or, how about:

"Too bad for you; lucky for me, more boyfriends available!"

[BTW, Helo, hello! Love your avatar. Stitch is one of my most favoritest.]
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with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #6  
Old 10-27-2012, 07:48 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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Thank you I dont know why I find Stitch as endearing as I do, considering my profound dislike for virtually everything else Disney.

Discussing polyamory with mono people, in my experience, follows one of several conversation trees. Its like a bad RPG.

It starts the same:
Me: I'm polyamorous. (Usually after being asked for clarification on labels of lady friends)
Them: What's that?
Me: Its a romantic relationship involving more than two people where everyone is aware and accepting of all the participants

At this point, a question follows:

1. So do you all, like, have sex?
2. Where do you all sleep?
3. Isn't that cheating?
4. Dont you get jealous?

Which I usually respond:

1A. Some relationships choose to do that, others dont.
2A. Each relationship is different, you make the ground rules about things like that with each other
3A. Cheating is having multiple romantic partners while claiming to be monogamous and lying about your other partners.
4A. Sure, but you deal with problems like that openly and honestly and most people can adjust.

Which is followed by:

1. (Female Response) Ugh, I dont know if I'd want to have sex with more than one guy at a time.
1. (Male Response) Sweet! Two chicks at once!
2. I'm too jealous to share.
3. I can barely handle one relationship, let alone multiple!
4. I'm too jealous to share.

I swear, its like a programming language.
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  #7  
Old 10-28-2012, 03:16 PM
Stevenjaguar Stevenjaguar is offline
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Helo, I howled when I read that. Yes, it's like a script. Word for word.

Fayerweather: Yes, the closed is confining. My fiancee's family is conservative fundamentalist and they're all in the dark, at least until after the wedding, and even then we're going to let them figure it out if they want to. All they know about C's gf is that she's a friend she's had since high school. Only her aunt knows and she's very accepting and discrete.

My side of the family is like, "So...?". I'm lucky in that regard. We have to walk on eggshells around her family. So I understand the feeling.

Last edited by Stevenjaguar; 10-28-2012 at 03:19 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-29-2012, 03:03 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
Thank you I dont know why I find Stitch as endearing as I do, considering my profound dislike for virtually everything else Disney.
I saw the movie in theatres like 7 times, and I own almost all the media put out after that. I have theories about why I like him, but mostly I go with he's adorable! I have the talking Stitch toy, too. He's great company on a road trip, or at work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
Discussing polyamory with mono people, in my experience, follows one of several conversation trees. Its like a bad RPG.

It starts the same:
Me: I'm polyamorous. (Usually after being asked for clarification on labels of lady friends)
Well, there's yer problem, right there.

'She's my girlfriend.'
"Then who's the blond?"
'She's my girlfriend too'
then be quiet. It's when you offer your own label, 'I'm polyamorous,' that they think they get to run that script.

Or make up a story~! I was just mentioning my dumb genetic condition on another thread. Because my joints are loose, I fall down or bump into stuff more than most. I also bruise fairly easily. I have learned to say stuff like, 'it was a bar fight.' or 'you should have seen the other girl' Nobunny wants to hear that I walked into a door. Although, my favorite is when I bruised my fingertips by blowing my nose. You can't make this shit up. But it's too ridiculous for people to believe.

When I was living in the lesbian community, I got a similar script from straight men.
'Oh you're gay? You like girls, hunh?'
pause
'Can I watch?'

urg.

Oh, I know. Just tell them they're sister-wives, and their husband had to go outta town, and you're helping out.

sorry. It's not tequila tonight, I'm just a little ded ~ I've been moving for two days.

Fayerweather, this is my version of painting the closet; if I have to be in it, it might as well be fun.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #9  
Old 11-13-2012, 09:00 AM
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Kommander Kommander is offline
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I don't like being in closets. It's dark in there, fairly cramped, and there may be spiders.

Being out, no one cares really. The worst I've gotten is stuff along the lines of "I don't approve, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life." It's quite annoying. I've prepared several arguments as to why polyamory is a valid way of approching relationships and I never get to use them.

When I tell people I'm polyamorous, the most common response is "Huh? What's that?" This is a problem. We're never going to get past the bullshit that prevents people from living openly if most people don't even know we exist. So, I mention it every chance I get. I honestly don't care if people accept it or not; knowing it's a thing that exists is more important.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Helo View Post
I swear, its like a programming language.
There's also the "Yeah, it would be nice if something like that could actually work!" response that comes up sometimes. I'm like "It can, actually. People do it."


Quote:
Originally Posted by Fayerweather View Post
Browncoats unite!
Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best of luck though.
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  #10  
Old 11-12-2012, 12:29 AM
DsmEvolution DsmEvolution is offline
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I tend not to hide who I am. As i've gotten older, i've started using a Wanda Sykes line as my personal motto. She once said "The older I get, the less I give a fuck!"

I know it may seem simplistic, but the happiest i've been has been completely eschewing everyone Else's concerns while putting stock in what I want. I've had to do some hard thinking in the past about whom to tell and whom to leave in the dark. All my real friends know about me completely, and a few coworkers know as well. The only family to me that matters is my Mother, Sister, and a Cousin.

*IF* My partner and I meet a Third Guy and we start a relationship, I will break the news to those three and let them either accept it or not. If they don't, that's their deal, not mine as I am not changing who I am to appease their sense of decency or puritanical ideas of relationships.

Now in this moment of reality, I may have to come to that point soon.

My partner and I have met a guy who is poly identified and wants a triad. So far, I think I really like this guy and could easily see the three of us together. If it happens, then my fam will have to know as I *REFUSE* to hide someone that I am in love with.

It's scary, but I think with strength and determination, any of us can be open and honest.
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