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Old 06-20-2010, 05:50 AM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Default Party of Five!

*Names used are obviously fake, but I like them, so I'll always refer to them as long as I'm a part of this forum, which may be quite a while... mostly because they're so funny.

Like so many others, we're taking small steps and going super-slow. This doesn't suit my demeanor as much because as my husband "Company" likes to say we may as well have been in a five-person relationship doing everything but sex for the half a year at least. But Selene, whom I've known the longest out of everyone (including Company... she met him first and introduced us), needs more time to think about it than the rest of us do.

Let me explain our little five-some: I'm married to Company, and I've been intimate with Selene a handful of times a few years back. Selene is married to Andulvar, and he's... difficult, at times. Thunder is single, and we've known him since high school.

Selene believes this to be a good idea because she feels that way about the four of us, but she has some issues with sex... she's more attracted to women (me), and sometimes having sex hurts. I have no idea why, it's just the way she is. She's more interested in having a less sexual relationship with Company and Thunder. Company's a little miffed, because he's very attracted to her, but he wants to do right by her and go with the flow until she's comfortable with sex.

Andulvar is very overprotective of Selene, maybe too much. He wants Company to back off, though to be fair, Company hasn't done anything but talk about it hypothetically with Selene-- who is more than willing to theorize about it all.

We have agreed many times that this is only a theory; if we can't all agree to how we want to have our relationship together, we won't do it.

I'm curious about how to help the situation... I wish Andulvar weren't so protective; Selene can talk for herself, and I know she likes that much better. I believe that if we are all in a relationship together, we each need our own voice, not to stick to a marital one. Obviously, we did agree not to do it if we didn't like the way it would go, but I very much want it, and I know that Company and Thunder do, too, and Selene at least wants the love from us (which she gets anyway, but it'd be nice to wine and dine her altogether, you know?).

Any advice is helpful, please and thank you.
~Marius
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Company is my husband. I'm dating Selene, Ariel, Vegeta, Thunder, and Andulvar.
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Old 06-20-2010, 05:03 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Sounds like it's time to apply some serious communicatin'--Andulvar's overprotectiveness may be aimed at protecting *him* instead of her. I'd speak with the two of of them together and figure out why he keeps trying to speak for her instead of letting her speak for herself. I'm hallucinating that if he's trying to "protect" her from simply speaking about possibilites, it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

As I said, that's my hallucination. The only way to find out what's happening there is to actually sit down and hash it out.

At the same time, exploring Selene's reticence would also prove useful. I take a lot of time to think about many things and decide on a course of action, so I can understand that to some extent. When there are several other people involved who are waiting on me to figure something out, though, that's reason to accelerate the process and find out exactly what's causing my hesitation. There are issues there that should be openly addressed.

With five people involved from the outset, it's really important to get in the habit of expressing concerns openly. Too damn many people for folks to hold onto issues in the hopes that those will work out later and so forth--just spill it and deal with it.
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Old 06-20-2010, 06:18 PM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Thanks for the advice. I'll use it and see what happens.
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"Love as thou wilt."

Company is my husband. I'm dating Selene, Ariel, Vegeta, Thunder, and Andulvar.
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:37 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Keep us updated on how it goes.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:01 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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k, wait a minute, I only counted four... company, thunder, Selene and the writer.

It sounds like you have a tribe starting up. As it seems to go, there is a lot to sort out and a lot to wade through emotionally through communication.

Keep at it. My advice would be to make sure you also let Selene talk for herself. Sometimes it can be seen as hypocritical if you are telling her partners that she should have her own voice when she could be saying that herself. Perhaps you should talk to her about stepping up and doing just that and then letting it go.

I agree, there is something that could be a red flag in the fact that Andulvar thinks Company should back off. Ah... there is the last one, my mistake... I'm not sure who thunder is then and what his place is in this mix? Anyway, I would wonder what possible hidden emotions are underneath that for him.
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Old 06-21-2010, 02:24 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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company, thunder, Selene and the writer. and adulvar @ red pepper

Are you sure selene really wants a relationship with 3 dudes? (<jealous!) She seems a bit more female exclusive for a relationship like that. I mean, maybe she's just inexperienced idk...My girlfriend said I hurt at first but we do it all the time now :/ Maybe she just needs to get used to it!?
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