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  #1  
Old 10-15-2012, 07:26 PM
haruki haruki is offline
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Default I think I am a unicorn...

That might be the oddest statement I've typed this week. Possibly, but probably isn't.

For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.

When in a longer term relationship, I really prefer an open relationship simply because I tend to focus better on one individual when that individual is not the sole center of my attention. And, in fact, in many occasions, I fantasize about enhancing a relationship dynamic rather than generating the dynamic myself.

All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?

The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.

Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...

All that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?

Last edited by haruki; 10-15-2012 at 07:28 PM. Reason: added a final question
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  #2  
Old 10-15-2012, 08:04 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.

Why are you so fixated on the label, if i may ask?

Last edited by BoringGuy; 10-15-2012 at 08:08 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-15-2012, 08:06 PM
haruki haruki is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.
After much searching I must ask:
Since you seem to know,
What is the term I should be using?
Tell me and I will change the whole post in a heartbeat. However, I haven't been able to find a term that directly refers to a male in that position and yet it describes everything that I'm searching for in a relationship structure aside from my lack of vagina.

EDIT:
I am not fixated on the title. Like I said, I would change it in a hearbeat. Except that it describes everything I'm looking for in a relationship aside from, once again, my lack of vagina. However, I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*

Last edited by haruki; 10-15-2012 at 08:20 PM. Reason: Clarifying for his edited question
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  #4  
Old 10-15-2012, 08:47 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I've heard manticore which honestly is not very appealing. (Body of a lion, man's head with extra sharp teeth and a scorpion's tail.)

Unicorn is not exclusive to women IHMO but it does tend towards the heteronormative in use. It can also be derisive as in mf couples who rather naively want the mythologically rare. I'm not sure if you would want to wholeheartedly adopt for your own use.

I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.
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  #5  
Old 10-15-2012, 09:05 PM
haruki haruki is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.
Truth... and in fact, just these two replies have really kind of distressed me about making a topic to discuss this on the whole.

I use a term to hopefully fully define what it is I'm looking for and ask for any experiences/suggestions as to how to find it.

I'm answered by someone who argues towards the use of said term and another that says I don't need such a distinct definition to find what it is I'm looking for. Both of which, however, are focused on the term itself.

I genuinely appreciate your reply; I will change the topic's text entirely so it's less distracting for people. Labels *shudders*
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  #6  
Old 10-15-2012, 10:45 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*
I am not fixated on it. YOU started the thread and I was addressing the topic YOU specified. I AM "on topic". the topic of "I think I am a unicorn" DOES involve semantics, and this is a common topic on this forum, so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. If you don't like the answers you're getting, perhaps you should ask different questions.

I don't give a shit if you want to call yourself a unicorn. I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context. I didn't invent the term, and I don't own it. I was trying to clarify it for you. Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you. Lord knows it's easier to surgically create a vagina out of a penis than the other way around. Sheesh.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 10-15-2012 at 10:50 PM.
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  #7  
Old 10-15-2012, 11:16 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.
(bold mine)

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. <snip> I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context.
C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 10-15-2012 at 11:23 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-16-2012, 12:02 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
(bold mine)



C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.
I was on the ipod on the train, and i did try to make another edit to that post that invited the OP to do a search. The internet signal must have been lost, & apparently the edit did not go through, and it does indeed look like I was "backpedaling".

That said, the term "unicorn" is NOT "fluid". There HAS been "tons of discussion" about this term. It DOES specifically refer to a BISEXUAL FEMALE (which can be a mtf trans, i suppose) that a male-female couple is looking for to form a closed, polyfidelitous triad. If you don't LIKE that definition, I can't force you to accept it, but that is what it means in this context. The OP must have heard the term somewhere and decided to give it his own meaning. Obviously I don't have the authority to dictate this. But are you trying to say that a "unicorn" can mean anything anyone wants it to mean? In that case, "polyamory" can mean going out and getting laid in dark alleys with a different stranger every night of the week. After all, nobody OWNS the term "polyamory".

And yes, I was being dismissive and negative when I made the comment about the vagina. The OP said he is MALE and does not have a vagina, so that remark was relevant to the flow of discussion. Everything I have said has been in response to something the OP brought up. Then he says I'm being "off topic". That is bullshit.
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  #9  
Old 10-15-2012, 10:22 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.
Have you dated only gay men and straight women? I ask because, now that you realize you're bi, I wonder if you've explored the dynamic of dating other people who are bi or pan themselves. You may find that the dynamic is different with a bi man versus a gay man, or bi woman versus a straight woman. It also might be good, if you haven't already, to look at dating people who are more gender-fluid. It's possible their expectations in a relationship are based far less on the typical gender stereotypes.

Quote:
All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.
Most, maybe, but not all. I'm pan and TGIB is pan and we have fantasies that include a bi or pan guy for a threesome. I've seen couples on here looking for a bi male OR female, so it happens.

Quote:
The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.
Well, sure. There's an element of "you don't know until you try" but you know you're open to it. I would say keep reading about the pros and cons of various triads and try to imagine yourself in their shoes- what would you like? what would you do? does it sound like something you want for yourself?

Quote:
Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...
I never found anyone to be in a ltr with when I was "hunting". Mine always happened when I WASN'T looking, but was just doing what I liked and enjoying life. If you open yourself up to people without the expectations of "could I be in a relationship with this person?" then there's less pressure for everyone and actually a greater chance that a meaningful connection could develop.

Quote:
that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?
I don't have any advice specific to being a unicorn or looking for one. I'll just reiterate that the best way to meet people you mesh with is by going out into the world, doing what you like, and being yourself. Frankly, you can't know if being a unicorn is right for you, because it's not about BEING a unicorn. It's far less about the situation and more about the people IN the situation. MC never thought in a MILLION years he'd be one arm of a Vee, yet here we are. Live life. The people who are meant to be in your life will turn up.
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  #10  
Old 10-18-2012, 09:27 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male.
I've had to learn about this in the past year. I should have learned it sooner, but it took my husband that long to work up the nerve to ask for it...

Like you, I prefer a more aggressive partner. I'm easily seduced, but I have a low sex drive and rarely initiate. For the most part, my husband is fine with that. But about a year ago, he timidly told me is that sometimes he wants me to be more aggressive. So I've been working on that. It's hard because it doesn't come at all naturally. But my efforts have been worth it.

So part of the solution to your whole conundrum could simply be for you to learn to be a little more aggressive. Aside from Dominants, even aggressive gay men like to be chased once in a while.

Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.
I reject the notion of "perfect fit." Mermaids is my new word for "perfect fit." I love my husband dearly. He's a good man, a good provider, a loving partner, everything you would "want in a husband." But man, can he be irritating sometimes. Perfect doesn't exist. That's just life. So the easiest way to find the next best thing to perfect is to give up the attachment to perfection.

Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?
It probably isn't. Oh, I'm not saying you couldn't be happy in a triad. But being attached to the outcome makes it seem like anything else is settling, and no one wants to settle.

Why do you feel the need to be a third person in an existing relationship? What's wrong with just having a girlfriend and a boyfriend who aren't together themselves?

Quote:
Originally Posted by haruki View Post
All that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?
My experience with unicorns and unicorn hunters mirrors my experience with plane crashes: I've never been in one, but I don't need to experience one first hand to see the devastation they cause. I've literally never seen one work out. I've seen lots of people claim they're in a "unicorn" situation, only to later divulge that part of the relationship has dissolved and now it's a Vee, or else broken up entirely. And of those who have been in a triad for a long time without it falling apart, it was never by intention. They often started as a Vee, and then the other two arms grew closer and closer and eventually fell in love.
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