Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-15-2012, 05:11 AM
smiler smiler is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 12
Default Open Discussion and Time Constraints - Balance?

Just curious to see if other people have had this issue.

How do you get the balance right between open, honest, transparent communication about issues and restricted time to spend together.

My BF and I are still working on establishing the right rhythm for us i.e. how often we manage see each other, sleep over rules, general relationship "stuff". So we generally have a lot to talk through. However, since we don't see each other for more than a few hours a week, neither of us wants to spend that time troubleshooting. And it's also awkward to communicate openly and honestly by e-mail/text/phone.

Has anyone had this problem before, or have any suggestions on how to approach it? I want him to spend happy times with me, not times sucked into analysis of the relationship. But avoiding issues won't work either. And I keep leaning to one extreme or the other i.e. we either spend hours sucked into meaningful discussion on feelings or we spend hours having an absolute blast and really living the moment.

Neither ends up feeling good because option one is exhausting emotionally and option two is short-lived happiness - quickly followed by anxiety.

Thanks for any tips.

Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2012, 02:22 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

If it ain't broke don't fix it?
Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2012, 03:35 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 398

What all are you feeling like you need to discuss? You mention things like seeing each other and sleeping over but what other relationship stuff? For the other two is there a reason you aren't able to just see how each things moves along (like sending each other messages/calls to see if you are free to go on a date and then during that date discuss if you want to stay the night). It's hard to give suggestions for other relationship stuff not knowing what it is you want to talk about.

This is how those two things worked with me and my partners. Of course things kinda feel together and since there were times I would sometimes see them as part of the whole group of friends we could take a little time during that time to talk about what was on our minds. Now living with most of my partners makes it even easier but I'm pretty good at trying to give suggestions on time management.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2012, 06:55 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

I can understand not wanting time spent together to be all about analysis and problem-solving, but I am not quite sure what the problem is here.

You say you still need to hammer out details on 'how often we manage see each other, sleep over rules, general relationship "stuff",' but how many times does that need to be discussed? Assuming you know your schedule, and he knows his, why would figuring out how often you see each other need to be revisited again and again? The same with rules about staying over... what is not getting resolved that you have to keep talking about it?

Is it that you don't feel heard? Is it that things are left unfinished? And what kind of relationship "stuff" do you feel needs to be all addressed at once in order to move forward? Can't you simply talk about things as they come up and then let them be once the discussion is finished? I guess I'm confused about what the struggle is.

It would also help if you explained your situation - is it that you and your bf have decided to open up your relationship and you're trying to find rules for being with other people, or are one of you married/partnered with someone else and you're trying to figure out rules for the two of you?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2012, 07:51 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,224

Make appointment for Serious Talk. Set timer. Talk about whatever issue/problem it is. Stop talking at the beep. Make follow-up appointment. Then take brains off hook and got eat pizza/watch movie?

Some problems are too big to solve in one go. So just take it in chunks and live normal life in between appointments.

When I was having HUGE eldercare probs and needed DH's feedback on what to do for the patient parent we just made a standing date for Friday night at 10 PM to cover some til timer went off. Then the rest of the week -- normal life.

It kept things moving forward, but also kept the sanity.

We also put a limit -- if things do not feel better by X? We need to get more aid!

Because if we stopped making headway and needed to get a pro in there for extra support for us during a hard time, we were totally open to doing that. It wasn't just getting the patient to THEIR pro people. We have the right to get aid for SELVES too.

I don't know how severe your relationship issues are -- but that's how we tackled ours.

Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2012, 08:13 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

A practical suggestion: you might try skype with web-cameras for better communication?
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:13 PM.