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Old 06-16-2010, 05:58 PM
November2009 November2009 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Default Advice Please

I am in a new Poly Relationship of 6 months. This is the first Poly
for all of us. They are a couple of 10+ years (Male-39 and Female-35-
bisexual) involved in the swing lifestyle. I am Female -41-bisexual,
involved in the swing lifestyle. I met both of them about 5 years ago
in the swing lifestyle. I played with the male on a few occasions and
developed a friendship with him. The playing was not done behind his
partners back nor was the friendship that developed. The playing with
the male was sporadic over the years, from time to time at a party and
maybe once or twice one on one. The friendship was more intense and
had emotional aspects to it. I was very careful to not step over line
because I was not interested in involving myself in a situation where
he was cheating and I was the other woman. Let me add, this is not
what he was proposing anyway. The female was attractive to me and I
liked what little I knew about her. Last summer the dynamic changed
in my friendship with the male, when we both admitted that we were
attracted to each other in other ways than just sexually. At that
point it became even more important that I not cross the line over to
cheating. We did have some one on one intimate time that was intense
and emotional over a few months which ended up with us admitting to
each other that we were in love. I still had no intention of being
the other woman or being involved in some secret relationship and I
voiced this to him in no uncertain terms. He started to discuss with
me the possibility of a relationship between the 3 of us. I started
spending time with the both of them along with his children, their
child, and my son. This quickly moved to an everyday interaction.
For the last six months the three of us are in a relationship with me
as their girlfriend. This relationship is no different than any
other, it is more good than bad. It is harder to deal with two people
than one. I have worked hard to establish a separate friendship and
relationship with my girlfriend, especially since I already had that
with the man. I feel that we do have that. As much as I was
concerned about not want to be in a secret relationship, I still ended
up feeling like that. Although he says it is not true, I feel like in
her eyes it is ok to have a personal relationship between me and her
but she does not acknowledged that he loves me personally. He says
she knows he has deep feelings for me and is insecure about that which
comes out in her actions some times. I have moments where I feel like
my feelings don't matter because I feel like we are always trying to
appease her so that she feels secure. She gets very jealous at times
and it is very frustrating. If they are having a disagreement he
feels that he has to purposely distance himself from me. I don't
think that is right. Yesterday she read a text message I sent to him
on the weekend, and came to the conclusion that we were doing
something on the side. I had gotten the three of us tickets to a show
and he couldn't come with us because I forgot he had to attend
something for his kid. After I offered the ticket to her mother the
activity was canceled. I felt extremely bad, and told him that I felt
really bad and I would make it up to him. She tries to confront me
about last night, saying she can not trust anyone but herself, both he
and I were looking at her like she was nuts. She starts talking to me
like I am a child and I do not hold my tongue, she then tells me get
out of my house. So I left...at this point, I am ready to end this
relationship because it is just too much for me. Her insecurities are
ridiculous, and she is not the only one with fears and
insecurities....I have them also! This is just a mess. Beyond my
feelings for him, we are so involved with each others lives. We do
everything together. The children are attached to me like I am their
step parent. My son looks at him like a father. We go to church
together. I still have an apartment with me and my son about 10 mins
from where they live. I sleep there on the weekdays. After work , I
get my son, if he hasn't been picked up by one of them, and go to
their house and we cook and eat dinner together. I go home about
11:30. On Fridays, my son and I pack our bag and return on Sunday. I
am so confused and don't know what to do. I am also afraid that if I
end this relationship between the 3 of us, I am going to end up in
that "other woman" relationship I was so concerned about.
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Old 06-17-2010, 06:06 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I think this went way to fast, especially as you have a child. I find it astonishing that you would think this was going to be okay for your child. Children get attached and don't understand adult stuff. Of course your child would think that these people would be in your life forever.

That being said, there is still a way to handle it as far as I'm concerned...

It think if this were me, I would start slowly backing away. It sounds like you have allowed NRE to take over your life in the last months and have made some major botch ups because of it. As far as I am concerned you should be staying at home more, picking your own child up from school, and eating at home with your child more often.

I am not sure why you thought it was a good idea to date the woman when it was the man that you loved. It wasn't mandatory that you date her, just because you fell in love with the man. You could of worked something out to just date him I think.... no wonder she has been doubtful, she has every right to be, it sounds like you don't love her, you love him and she came along for the ride.

Ya, this went waaaay to fast... back up and give them some space and yourself. Most of the drama will go away I suspect when they get their marriage on track by you not being there all the time. They need to connect again and you need to get your life back again... then see where you are at with continuing the relationship you have with the man and perhaps continuing with the FRIENDSHIP you have with the wife
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Old 06-17-2010, 02:55 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Yeah, I didn't see any mention of the wife showing interest in poly, in general, nor in you, specifically, just that he thought it'd be good and you wanted to be with him and BAM! the three of you are together. For her to get an instant girlfriend and housemate (essentially) without having any interest in such previously and no time to consider it and embrace it as something she wants...well, I don't think y'all were very considerate of her.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:04 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi November,

Yea, I kind of agree with the other's sentiments so far. You really did kind of get the cart ahead of the horse here. If you have ANY hope of salvaging this relationship you need to give it some space for awhile.

This is one of the biggest problems that can occur when starting from a swinging direction. Remember, for the vast majority of 'swingers' the cardinal rule is 'no emotional attachment'. You all (or at least you and he) have violated that rule. Not uncommon <chuckle>.

However, you are now in a VERY different world and the rules are completely different ! And it may be that none of you were aware, prepared or ready to make this crossover.

So now everyone needs to step back, take a deep breath and hit the books ! There's much you all need to know before anyone moves an inch forward !

It likely IS possible to turn this into a win for everyone but you are going to have to approach it differently. From your writing I suspect it's likely that at least his wife was firmly under the umbrella of 'no emotions'. As naive as that is - it's real. Now you ALL are going to have to delve into WHY that rule was important. And you are going to have to get your communication skills sharp as a razor to move forward. And it's going to involve some pain. For everyone. But the more kind and gentle you can be the better the process will unfold.

Remember - you are all treading in somewhat unfamiliar waters. Acknowledge that as a group. Try to make a commitment to learn TOGETHER. Try to put the emotions on low heat for the time being. If the connection between you is real - no harm can come. But you can't even be certain yet. The test of fire is just beginning.

Regardless of how this all shakes out - the journey is worth the effort. Everyone will learn and grow in ways they may never have expected. Embrace this - don't be afraid of it.

And remember, we're all here to help you any way we can.

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