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Old 09-30-2012, 02:58 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Default Need some perspective please

I wrote this in my blog but was hoping to get some more replies so I thought I'd post it here as well.

~~
Today I need some perspective, please. My husband thinks I am overreacting and I am pretty sure I am, but I'm still feeling very messed up.

It probably needs more background info. L has a blog where he writes about the kinky parts of his life, and his submissive reads it. He added me to read it too, several months ago. His submissive doesn't know that he is seeing me. I'm not wild about that, but he says it would just be too much drama.

So last night, he asked me if I had read his blog lately, and I said no. I thought he had let it go dormant since he hadn't written since July. It took me a while to remember my password but when I went there were several new entries. The first couple of ones were his usual sort of updates, and then I hit a couple that hurt like hell.

The next one posted was entitled "exclusivity" and it was basically saying that he found what he was looking for with her and that he was not playing with anyone else in the kink community. I obviously reacted very strongly to that one which is where he says he was careful wording that one to say kink community, and that I'm outside that. It HURT so much, though. I know that because of his relationship with his wife, that at least for now and maybe never, that I can't have the type of completely open poly relationship that you all have. But to be pretty much publicly disavowed? I was physically shaking and sweating and my heart was racing when I read that entry. It took hours for my body to calm down. It frustrates me that he can publicly acknowledge his sub on Fetlife but he can't acknowledge me ever. Or rather, that there is really no point since I don't have much of a profile and why cause so much drama to change nothing? Logically, I can see that. But hearts aren't always logical.

And of course, there's the fallout from reading that. I know he loves her, and he is certainly lying to her by omission. He says he is just "controlling the flow of information" to her, but I would be very upset if he was doing that to me. I asked, and he said he is not, but I feel like our trust is damaged. I don't care what he tells her, frankly; that's part of his relationship with her and it's none of my business. But I worry that if he lies to her to make his life easier, that he'd lie to me. I know he loves me but he says he loves her too, so what's the difference? I always felt so trusting and comfortable with him, and I honestly don't believe he has lied to me. But I feel at least a bit emotionally withdrawn right now.

Those are really the key things that are bothering me. The other stuff is minor and it's on me to deal with, not him. One entry was about his experiences with anal with her and how much he loves anal, and that hurt because we've been trying to work up to it together. So that post made me jealous. And the last one was about his reflections on it being six months since he collared her as his sub, and it's been six months since we got together so that one hit a sour note with me as well. By then I was pretty much overwhelmed with conflicting emotions so I didn't really read much.

He stayed up late with me last night trying to help me calm down and to explain why he wrote what he did. I know that the blog is read by her and so by the necessity of his choices, he has to censor what he writes. But I can't imagine he didn't think that one post wasn't going to cause me a great deal of pain. I know he has no one else that he can sound off to about his "other life" and most of the time I'm happy to be there for him. I'm even okay hearing about his sub a lot of the time because I am glad he is happy. But basically seeing him completely deny our relationship? Fuck.

I didn't sleep well last night and I feel like a mess today. I sent him an email in the middle of the night basically saying these things, but I reread our chat and I pretty much raised the same issues so I am sure he is going to feel frustrated. I don't blame him. I'm sure he was just being obtuse and not deliberately trying to hurt me, but I feel awful. Any words of wisdom?
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.
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  #2  
Old 09-30-2012, 04:12 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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I understand how painful it must be to be in a loving relationship that is not acknowledge publically. I can hear the hurt in your post.

The dynamics of a sub/dom relationship can be a challenge for someone outside the life to grasp. It's almost like an alternate universe. I'm a sub and my dom and I have profiles on there. I'm collared so I'm exclusive to my dom but that doesn't extend into my vanilla life. Certainly not for him either.

It sounds like you would like him to tell his sub of your existance. I understand the comment about "controlling the flow of information". My dom does that too. It's part of our relationship. I don't in any way think that he is hiding anything. It's just part of the dynamic. Perhaps they are not yet at the point in that relationship where he is ready. How long has she been subbing for him? If he is actively training her then it could harm the development of their relationship. He isn't necessarily lying to her.

Just try to remember that his dom relationship with her is different than what you two have together. My Dom is a completely different person outside of a scene. He thinks differently, he acts differently.

This is absolutely not a reflection on the importance of you in his life. Please remember that.
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Old 09-30-2012, 04:18 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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OP, is your relationship a secret from only the sub, or from everyone else too?
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Old 09-30-2012, 04:41 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
OP, is your relationship a secret from only the sub, or from everyone else too?
On his end, pretty much everyone. His wife knows he sees other women and she approves, but she doesn't want to know them or anything about them.

My husband and some of my friends know. I couldn't keep hlim a secret because he is too important in my life.

I don't know if I really care that the sub knows about us. Why cause her undue heartache? But I don't like that the lie got a little more overt by him basically professing exclusivity. And it does hurt that I am basically a secret from everyone in his life. I don't know why, but it does.

BlazenBurn, can you explain a little more about controlling the flow? I don't understand what makes it different from a lie. They've been together since February, us since April. And I wouldn't describe myself as vanilla, but I have no experience with D/s although he does top me in the bedroom generally. Occasionally we switch.

There's more background in my blog if that helps. I appreciate any responses.
__________________
Me: 34 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People:
Henry, 30yrs, my collared submissive, cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
Mark/StbxH, my exhusband of ten years, finally divorced.
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  #5  
Old 09-30-2012, 04:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post

I don't know if I really care that the sub knows about us. Why cause her undue heartache? But I don't like that the lie got a little more overt by him basically professing exclusivity. And it does hurt that I am basically a secret from everyone in his life. I don't know why, but it does.
Hm, a bit of a conflict of perspective here. Which form of "heartache" do you prefer? Being the secret someone is keeping from another, or being the one the secret is being kept from?

Does this boyfriend know how you feel, and does he care? Is he so wonderful that you would put up with this long-term? You haven't been seeing each other for a very long time. It's right around that area where the NRE is starting to wear off and you start to see the other person for who they really are.
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  #6  
Old 09-30-2012, 06:02 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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He's lying to her and not allowing her to make her own decision regarding sexual health risk. Even in a D/s situation this is not okay (I'm not part of that scene but TGIB is). If he was really being a good Dom to her he'd explain the actual situation to her and be teacher and caretaker while she takes the time to decide if this is a situation she wants to stay in. Subs still ultimately have a choice, and he's denying her that choice. I don't care where they are in their relationship, because he IS using that "control of the flow of information" to hide something, and you can't build a good relationship of ANY kind if there isn't trust on all sides.

What he's doing to you is also unfair and hurtful. You're not overreacting. There are certainly family that do not know about me and TGIB, and I have a hard enough time with that, but ALL our friends know. If they can't accept it, we don't want them as friends. If he wasn't willing to acknowledge my presence in his life in a non-family, non-work situation, we'd be done. It's not about creating or avoiding drama, it's about living your life as honestly as possible with the people you've chosen to be close with (this is why I admit family is a gray area- you haven't chosen them, you're not always close, but the interconnections can make it difficult to navigate). And I feel you're quite right to question how much you trust him and whether he'd be willing to lie to you to keep the peace, since he's willing to lie to her. I wish you luck in deciding how to deal with your hurt and your relationship with him.
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