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Old 06-10-2010, 01:56 AM
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girlcaleb girlcaleb is offline
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Quick question: How should I go about "coming out' to a man I am into? I recently scared away a man that I really liked. I think I came on too strong... and not sexually. I just told him too much, maybe too soon. We have known each other for about a year... but mainly online only. I had a chance to get him alone and I just told him how I felt. He is a bit younger and he had never even heard about anything poly before... so I think I was too sure of myself... I haven't heard from him. Before we parted he seems okay with everything... so maybe I'm just thinking about it too much because I always over think things. Any thoughts?

p.s. Sometimes it seems easier for poly men to find new female partners. Most guys don't relax when they hear "I like you, and my boyfriend won't kill you if you make out with me". Girls seem to be more open... IMO.

btw... I got this topic from Ticipa... even though she was asking about coming out to her husband... it made me think about stuff.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-10-2010 at 03:50 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:44 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Best off to let any potential partner know what you want out of relationships right away..especially when it is dealing with open relationships and poly. To let someone invest in you and become vulnerable first without them knowing is selfish and hurtful...maybe even manipulative.

Being up front is the best way to find something with less drama and more health..more FUN!
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:54 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think that monogamy is not assumed until you have gone out on a few dates. So i don't think you have to talk about poly until you have had a few dates. It is like how you don't have to talk about marriage, sexual desires or medical conditions until you get to know the person more.

However, if the topic comes up, I think you should talk about it. Also, if they may meet the people you are involved with, I think you should say something.

On the other hand, if you talk about it first, you may weed out someone who is truely not interested before you start to get involved. You just have to watch out for the reaction that if you are poly then you must be a slut.

As for how to come out, I think you should keep it simple and let them ask questions. Otherwise, you may sound like you are pushing the concept or you may push them into acting like they like it when they do not feel comfortable.
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Old 06-10-2010, 05:36 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Here's an option: try to slip it into the conversation hypothetically. So instead of declaring that you're poly and that's the kind of relationship you expect, you could mention it as something you've heard about and sounds interesting. That lets you probe them, find out how they would feel about it, without letting the cat out of the bag.

Quote:
Originally Posted by girlcaleb View Post
p.s. Sometimes it seems easier for poly men to find new female partners. Most guys don't relax when they hear "I like you, and my boyfriend won't kill you if you make out with me". Girls seem to be more open... IMO.
I haven't met any poly guys who agree with you :P there are a number of threads going around right now, referring to how difficult it is for poly men to meet other women, while their primaries/wives are out there finding all the guys they want.

I think anyone would get a little worried when told that they won't ge beat up for something. Whenever someone tells me "don't worry, trust me" it makes the hairs stand up on my neck and instantly stop trusting them
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:02 PM
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Thanks guys.. i have still not heard from him. I think you were right.. I came on too strong... Like I was pushing my polyness onto him. I really just wanted him to know that i liked him. That's all... he is just a really good friend and now I'm afraid that I have messed it up somehow. In the future... I will not just blurt it out. Quath... I think he was trying to act more comfortable then he really was... that would explain the fact that he has not contacted me or my guy since it happened. He also had a few drinks in him so I think he woke up and was like "wtf did I let myself do... I kissed one of my best friends girl"... so yeah. I want to call him to let him know that it is okay. but I have a feeling he wont answer... i don't want to push him away even more. I am also afraid of rejection... this is the first time in years that a man I went after has not shown any interest... it hurts. My primary has been great about it. He pokes fun at me sometimes and he will talk abut it with me when I'm really down which cheers me up. Maybe I'll give it another week or two and then call the friend... I'll just apologize for making him kiss me... it sounds silly but I feel like I did something wrong..even though he kissed me back... more than once... and he seemed like he wanted more. Maybe he is just a scared little nerd. Men!!!! They drive me crazy:0
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:32 PM
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girlcaleb girlcaleb is offline
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btw... thought this was funny. I was randomly reading my horoscope for the day... my daily flirt on yahoo said this:

It turns out that not all of your people are on board with your latest scheme. It's important to wait until you can cajole them into behaving.

funny... I'm sure the friend I kissed is not on board..lol... he would have called by now...
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