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Old 06-10-2010, 01:48 AM
juney juney is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 6
Default Not sure how to proceed

So my husband and I have decided to bring another woman into our marriage. It is strictly a V relationship where she is his girlfriend, but she and I do not. I am having major jealousy/insecurity issues.

I voted yes for this, but I feel like he is constantly giving her preferential treatment. I recognize that this is not a contest between she and I, but I can't seem to always put that knowledge into practice. I also feel as if she is constantly manipulating the situation to her advantage. For example, last night was "my" night with my husband. She was constantly texting him, she came into our room unannounced and univited to return his phone (so that she could text him), and she asked him to take care of her child last night because she was just so tired from work. Yet tonight, when its her night, she made sure that she has a babysitter for the child. My husband says he is going to speak to her tonight, but I don't know if it is going to be enough. I know I need to have faith that he will handle it and work it out.

I guess I just need someone to tell me if I'm overreacting or crazy or if my gripes are legitimate. Thanks for your help and your honesty.
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:42 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504

Your gripes are definitely legitimate. I think it is a relatively common problem. You did the right thing by stating what you want. She may not realize how much she is stepping in on your time. You are also having to deal with his NRE for her. That makes it even more difficult.
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:47 PM
juney juney is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 6

Quath, thank you for your point of view.
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Old 06-10-2010, 04:01 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Yes Juney,

People CAN be selfish and manipulative. And the only way to zap that is to call a spade a spade. Call out the behavior, not in a nasty, accusational way, but in a clear, factual way and explain that that kind of thing will never result in anything but drama and hurt.
Good relationship skills (and relationships) call for compassion and consideration. Competition as you noted is the antithesis of this. But you have to own that philosophy - not just mouth it. Takes practice.

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Old 06-11-2010, 06:01 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,401

I agree with them.

I just want to highlight how you're doing an awesome job of making boundaries that involve you and your husband, as opposed to rules to dictate the relationship between your husband and his girlfriend. So you have your night, and she has hers. You're talking about how you feel about your night being invaded, as opposed to how she's behaving outside of her night.

From the way you said she came into your room uninvited and unannounced, I assume she lives with you? In that case, I would invest in a lock for your bedroom door. I also want to say a "Do Not Disturb" sign, but I'm hopeful that this can be resolved without going to those lengths. Either way, walking into a couple's room like that is extremely rude. She wouldn't do that if she were a houseguest staying with you for the weekend, and it's not her room, so what makes her think this is acceptable?

It's been said that one of the great things about polyamory is that it allows child care to be shared among more people, giving everyone a bit of a break now and then. This should not be confused with you and your husband acting like free babysitters. If you and your husband had chosen to spend the night out with your cell phones off, and she was too tired to take care of her own kid, then she'd have to figure it out on her own. It doesn't sound like it's his biological child, and I don't know enough about your history and arrangement to decide whether that would change anything.

Now to try and see things from her perspective. It would be difficult being the live-in girlfriend of a married man. She's trying to establish her role and position in the relationship. She may be intimidated by your closeness to your husband, and perhaps she believes (maybe unconsciously) that by coming between you, she can make a bigger place for herself in his life. Unfortunately, that behaviour tends to backfire.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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Old 06-11-2010, 03:37 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171

don't have much to say that schro hasn't already said, but as a micr-note: Being the V is pretty hard, and unless your primary has copious amounts of emotional intelligence and fortitude, I would consider helping him. Try and build a relationship with her so both of your needs can be met with empathy between all partners, i think it's the best way to make sure the V doesn't turn into a competition. This is really where you need to focus.

peace & love
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
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