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Old 09-28-2012, 02:15 PM
BlazenBurn BlazenBurn is offline
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Default Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder in a Poly Relationship

My SO's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know how to deal with her. Everything that SO and I do together is percieved as a challenge to their relationship. She has huge meltdowns. SO will drop everything and run over to help her. I am so tired of the constant drama that I am just giving in and letting her get her way to keep the peace.

Anyone else dealt with BPD? What can I do?
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Old 09-28-2012, 02:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I've heard of this sort of thing happening, but i've never experienced it myself. From what i understand, this is what you have to look forward to as long as your SO is involved with this other person. There is no cure, no medication for BPD and it is often accompanied by other conditions, including but not limited to bipolar and social anxiety.

If I were you, i'd look deep within myself and ask myself if this person is so worth being with that you would put up with basically being involved with the borderline metamour. Then make a choice based on your personal priorities.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:09 PM
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Drama is number one for people with BPD. If you decide to have firm boundaries, which I suggest you do for your own sanity, you will be the bad guy to them. There is no winning unless she decides to get help. Does she have help?
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:22 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Drama is number one for people with BPD. If you decide to have firm boundaries, which I suggest you do for your own sanity, you will be the bad guy to them. There is no winning unless she decides to get help. Does she have help?
Therapist here. There's no winning even if they do get help. BPDs are the worst patients. >.>

100% agree with everything MusicalRose said.
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Last edited by Prudence; 09-29-2012 at 02:24 AM.
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Old 09-29-2012, 02:54 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Dad is BPD -- one of his many conditions.

My full plate with eldercare stuff is made that much wackier with the up and down moody. I would not date a person with BPD because of it. I can only take so much, and Dad is IT. I'm at my limit and I can't take more on board -- for my OWN well being.

Sigh.

GG
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Old 09-29-2012, 03:00 AM
Prudence Prudence is offline
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I can only take so much, and Dad is IT. I'm at my limit and I can't take more on board -- for my OWN well being.
Amen. My quota is all used up by work. I am exceedingly patient with mood and anxiety disorders outside of work (provided people are, you know, TRYING to get some help... I have one friend who, I swear to god, LIKES being depressed, because he sure likes to whine but doesn't ever DO anything about it... argh!!), but personality disorders are more than my sanity can handle if I'm not even getting paid for it!
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Prudence View Post
Therapist here. There's no winning even if they do get help. BPDs are the worst patients. >.>

100% agree with everything MusicalRose said.
I was trying to be positive as I know there are courses of behavioral therapy that are available in some bigger cities.

My experience has been with a co-worker who took me to court because I had firm work boundaries with her the she distorted beyond recognition. She convinced herself I was being racist, sexist and sexually harassing her. I complimented her on how nice she looked in yellow (she's chinese), she told me she is bi and as I am pan I talked with her about her feelings. I helped her find and apartment to rent as she had never lived away from home at age 34. Such as is the culture she came from. She asked me to tell her about living away from home and then said I was racist and controlling.

My "help" and friendship was bastardized beyond recognition by the time three years passed of court dates being moved because she had a sick note. I also miscarried during that time when the papers came to explain why I was being taken to court and what her documented evidence had said... Transcribed from recordings she had of our conversations. The whole time she came to my house to hang out and play with my son, went out for coffee after work to talk about her home struggle she was distorting everything that went on between us and writing it down or recording it. She wasn't diagnosed until after all this. I might of been able to avoid the pain more had I known her diagnosis.

I also have some experience from this last summer when my friend dumped his gf. You can read about it in my blog. I wrote about it lots there.

I worked on a mental health team, at an out reach program for the homeless, at a house for sex trade workers and at a needle exchange. I was a practicing art therapist at the time and was warned about several of the clients we served. I watch several good therapists burn out and leave due to their supporting and advocating for patience with personality disorders.

My personal take is to run the fuck away very fast. I have nothing left to give any more personally. I can see it coming a mile away now and turn and walk away immediately. I don't even want to watch others try as it drives me crazy to be anywhere near the drama that is caused.

I keep positive because there is always room for change and for certain situations to work out with the right fit of people. If you are emotionally and mentally healthy and have a life ahead of you that can be matched with someone else that is similar to you. GO! Just go to them. Don't waste your time on rationalizing and trying to figure out how to fix or trying to understand why or believing that the promises of working on it are true, because they just aren't at the end of the day. Calm, relaxed, everyday, stress free, drama free days are just never going to be the norm and unless you love that, don't stay. Whatever happens you'll be in it now and there will be no empathy for your part in the situation. Its all about them all the time and until the end and beyond. There might be moments of recognition that they got it all mised up, but the need for drama over takes.

Save yourself before you become bitter and untrusting of everyone like I am with most people now. Lol.

Sorry I sound so absolute here but fuck it. On this topic I have good reason to sound like that, hahaha. *sigh
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Old 09-29-2012, 04:51 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I was trying to be positive as I know there are courses of behavioral therapy that are available in some bigger cities.
I've read that Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) can sometimes be useful when it comes to helping people with BPD cope, but they have to WANT it and it's a LOT of work for them, involving both individual and group modalities. That said, DBT is basically a watered-down form of Buddhist meditation and anyone can benefit from it if they make the effort to do so. It's not a "new" thing.
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Old 09-28-2012, 03:30 PM
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As someone who has dated someone that (I'm fairly certain, but not officially diagnosed) had borderline personality disorder (e.g. had all traits but the suicidal ones listed in the DSM) I personally wouldn't want to be involved with someone who was like this again.

The current though of those that put together the DSM is that personality disorders are lifelong and unchanging. (There are some more fringe or newer schools of psychology that think fundamental personality change IS possible, but it is worth noting that it is still difficult and the current official position is that it can't be fixed.) That being said, borderlines are notoriously the most frustrating of the personality disorders even for psychologists and psychiatrists to work with.

From my personal position, I would state to your partner what you need from her. If you need a certain amount of her time or energy, and she is not providing this to you because of her borderline partner's drama, then she is not being a good partner to you and is not meeting your needs. As someone who knows better than to reason with a borderline or to expect them to show maturity in their relationships, your partner needs to learn this lesson.

Unfortunately, it took three tries at romance and then another at friendship with my borderline before I finally learned my lesson. He would vacillate between being my best friend and my worst enemy, and my fiance and I were constantly having to drag him out of his own mess during the last try at friendship. We had to call an ambulance for him when he though he overdosed on a drug, and then two weeks later his girlfriend (who wasn't going to help him at all with the drug thing) got mad at my fiance over something really stupid and then he flew of the handle and told us that we were terrible people in his life and he never wanted to see us again. A few weeks later, we were all friends again, that is until he got mad over another something small and then threatened to call the cops on us.

Basically, unless she is actively in treatment and making progress toward healing herself and learning better habits, she is never going to be capable of having a healthy or stable relationship. I understand better than anybody how addictive their personalities can be for someone who isn't experiencing it. She isn't being disingenuous. She means everything she says and does. But she is a human wrecking ball and she will probably continue to be one for the rest of her life.
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Old 12-26-2012, 10:11 PM
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UpsideDown UpsideDown is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazenBurn View Post
My SO's girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know how to deal with her. Everything that SO and I do together is percieved as a challenge to their relationship. She has huge meltdowns. SO will drop everything and run over to help her. I am so tired of the constant drama that I am just giving in and letting her get her way to keep the peace.

Anyone else dealt with BPD? What can I do?
BPD sucks. It really, really does. I've had two roommates with it (one a close friend, too) and it is hard on family/friends/loved ones. The damage that usually results in BPD makes it really hard to control/account for.

Good luck.
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