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  #1  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:34 AM
thinker thinker is offline
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Default A valid reason for open marriage?

Ok i m quite interested to open marriage but before you answer the title of the topic let me tell you my story....

I had known my wife for 8 years, dating for 3 and married for 4. When i first met her, she was quite a wild girl (by my standards) herself and had lots and lots of causal sex (thus she is more experienced than i do when it comes our sex life). But after she met and have dates with me, i think she has fall completely for me and changed herself from a wild party girl to well...... a different person to suit my personality (i m a quite person and unlike her a party person especially). Interesting thing is that we get together because we always had chats about virtually ANYTHING religion, politics, history, etc. I guess i m the only one who can satisfy her in some form of intelligence conversations.

Then zoom forward to 2 months ago when our second child was only one month old i started to think that she is a good mother and wife but she is a different women that i have known when i first met her. I have been thinking a-lot what she had done for our family, how she changed herself for the sake of me and how she had gone through 2 pregnancies (painfully) for having a child. I feel that yet she had done so much for me but i feel that i haven't done anything for her (not really nothing since i do 50% of the housework and 60% of the cooking *i love cooking).

I'm not a great believer on monogamy since i was previously dumped by my gfs before i met my now wife. I think that marriage is like a cage (a big one) covered in linen showing how wonderful inside this cage, but due to our human curiosity we may eventually want to leap out of the cage and see what the real world like beyond the cage and the linen that covers it.

To skip all the details and other stories that will take forever, i want to give my wife a freedom that she doesn't have for the past 7 years we were together. A freedom to be a single attractive sexy women by night and a caring loving mother and wife by day. A women who can date other man like she did to her old bfs before to be fulfilled physically if not emotionally. Not all husbands are perfect, not all wives are perfect we humans are not flawless creatures.

I want to let my wife out of the perfect cage (marriage) and venture the outside the world and see for herself and ultimately have the best of both worlds, where she can have the excitement to have dates with other people while she can come home and enjoy the safety of our family and kids. That is the reason why i want to suggest an open marriage..

I know a-lot of open marriage had started with all the wrong reasons. I will tell you that our relations are perfect, communications are excellent, sex life is amazing (both had high sex drives), our finances are really good (since both of us are working professionals) not really affected by the GFC (we live in Australia btw) and every year we had one domestic and one overseas (i m foreign born) trips. Looks like a perfect conditions for a open marriage is it?

Thus i m posting this that with our perfect conditions is it a valid reason for an open marriage? Because i don't want to start a open marriage with the wrong reasons

Thanks!

Thinker
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  #2  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:56 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I mean, it sounds like your reasoning is solid, but the thing that should make or break your decision is how your wife feels about it and if she thinks it is a type of relationship style she wants to have.
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
I mean, it sounds like your reasoning is solid, but the thing that should make or break your decision is how your wife feels about it and if she thinks it is a type of relationship style she wants to have.
Thanks for replying! And yes my reasoning is solid. And also yes i m planning to tell her the whole thing tonight. The thing is that i don't really want to force her to have this kind of style, i want her to decide by herself. Its like giving her a key out of the cage and she can choose whether to use it or not since i wouldn't mind any way. The basis of this reasoning is that i love her very much and want her to have the best of both worlds anyway. I know that most open marriages started for all the wrong reason because it was at the request from one of the spouse while the other doesn't want it. So i would put her free will as a deciding factor for this arrangement.
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Old 09-26-2012, 02:37 AM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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I guess it is just a matter of proposing it to her then. Make sure you come to the talk prepared to answer lots of questions:

- Is she allowed to have emotional intimacy with others as well as physical?
- What are the rules for safer sex?
- Are you going to want the same kind of freedom from her?
- And if she isn't willing to give it, do you still want her to have her freedom?
- What are your insecurities approaching this (i.e. what could make you jealous)?
- What are your needs, wants, and limits?

The reason why one identifies as polyamorous need only be that they feel they can love more than one person. The reasons to actually open usually require a strong core relationship and consent and agreement from both partners that they can both be comfortable with that. It sounds like you have a great thing going with your wife, and I'm very interested to see how it turns out. :-)
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Old 09-26-2012, 03:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
I guess it is just a matter of proposing it to her then. Make sure you come to the talk prepared to answer lots of questions:

- Is she allowed to have emotional intimacy with others as well as physical?
- What are the rules for safer sex?
- Are you going to want the same kind of freedom from her?
- And if she isn't willing to give it, do you still want her to have her freedom?
- What are your insecurities approaching this (i.e. what could make you jealous)?
- What are your needs, wants, and limits?

The reason why one identifies as polyamorous need only be that they feel they can love more than one person. The reasons to actually open usually require a strong core relationship and consent and agreement from both partners that they can both be comfortable with that. It sounds like you have a great thing going with your wife, and I'm very interested to see how it turns out. :-)
Well thanks for giving me some good assumptions if i ever want to ask but the truth is that i don't know whether she wants this kind of freedom in the first place

"Is she allowed to have emotional intimacy with others as well as physical?"

yes sometimes a person can love more than a person and monogamy really restrict this kind of intimacy and makes people psychologically unhealthy. No one is perfect and no marriage is 100% anyone who says that is a potential cheat.

(i heard that people who had affairs tend to be more healthy psychologically than people who still stick with monogamy *quite a sad thing but it proves that loving more than one person really gives your life a good kick in a long run)

the only problem i have is to deal with envy and jealousy which is there any books about how to deal with those factors?

"What are the rules for safer sex?"

What do you mean by what rules? I mean safe sex is essential and compulsory, condoms and conception pills are absolutely. And i will prepare for us to have constant STD test as part of the arrangement anyway so no worries.

"Are you going to want the same kind of freedom from her?"

Interestingly i want to have the same kind of freedom but the point is that i want to have an open marriage is because i want her to have the freedom not me. So as an arrangement if she agrees to have an open marriage, when she starts dating from day 1 i will not date with anyone for a whole year to prove her that my reasoning for an open marriage is not for my enjoyment but is for hers. Also i can focus all my energies on my jealously and envious problems (Buddhist text are really good showing the art of forgiveness and how to handle with a-lot of aspects of live includes jealousy)

Another reason for not dating other girls while she is dating is that by the whole year was up (by which i m more enlighten and less jealous by then). When i start to date other girls, i would use my experience during that year of coping with jealousy and other insecurities to make my wife more secured (since by that time i will be having lots of self-help books and internet advice listed in my notepad).

"And if she isn't willing to give it, do you still want her to have her freedom?"

Never think of that but she is a very understanding person since she had changed herself for the sake of me and over the years we both do things together sports, video or board games, cooking, cleaning (everything!). I guess she would have asked me that i should have a girlfriend or even a boyfriend (ooops didn't tell you i m Bi-sexual btw) if she agrees with open marriage (and she is a believer of having equal playing field)

"What are your insecurities approaching this (i.e. what could make you jealous)?"

There are fears of that she will leave me and the kids with her lover if they got too close and her lover disrespect our primary relationship (thats why lovers should be at least 25 yro or more since the younger they are the more immature and disrespectful they are). Also even though i would allow her to stayed overnight at her lover's house once per week i can feel that i feel alone on my own bed (after all we slept together for like 5 years. Also i m afraid he is a better lover than i do (which can be a double-edge sword since she can be more fulfilled but she can just falls completely for him). STD and health issues of course. Keep wondering what she is doing with her lover, how awesome sex is between her and her lover. Would the lover try to hijack my marriage. It seems the insecurities are endless........ but making details of your insecurities can give you your aims in how to deal with it in the first place.

"What are your needs, wants, and limits?"

My needs and wants for now is to make my wife live in a happier life without the constrains of monogamous marriage but can enjoy both worlds as i keep saying it. (later i might want to have a gf but AFTER i deal with my JEALOUSY ISSUES of course). Limits are that either of our lovers will not enter our property, interact with our family or friends since i want our kids to live in a seemingly monogamous family structure and i don't want my friends and family know that we had that kind of decision. (I may allow to tell about our arrangement with our closest friends so that we can have a small tightly knitted support network if either of us feel insecure. Yeah thats how i answer this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
It sounds like you have a great thing going with your wife, and I'm very interested to see how it turns out. :-)
I don't consider as a great thing for my wife i considered as a gesture of thanks for loving me and giving the family two wonderful kids. It is HER who have done great things for me

so Musical Rose do you engaged in a open marriage relationship?
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  #6  
Old 09-26-2012, 08:35 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Uh...just to check. You are saying you have NO interest at the moment in dating or having other relationships, you just want your wife to be...free and appreciated and get to date ...but she hasn't shown any interest in any of that before now, you're just being proactive?

It's after you said you were going to broach this but...I imagine if I had a partner who came at me with that, I'd be...omfg you want to fuck somebody else dont you? Otherwise I'd find it really weird to come at me with that attitude. A "hey I have read a lot about non-monogamy and would like to talk to you about it" sure! Well I'd be open to that.

edit: I don't have kids which is why I didn't latch onto this originally, but I am pretty sure I've never heard a brand new mother say "I'm feeling at the top of my game, I want to find new partners and get out there in the dating world" Rereading this...the whole "out of her cage" thing...my ex and I discussed clearly how we were young and not ready to settle down but alas, here we were in love and that's what you do, right? If we hadn't discussed that ahead of time, bringing it up two months after a baby was born...NO. If she hasn't broached the subject, or given you the impression it is something she wants...it sounds like you want to broach it for YOU. If that is the case, doing it while she is a new mom is a mean idea.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-26-2012 at 09:41 AM.
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  #7  
Old 09-26-2012, 10:54 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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What if she says "no thanks"? Will you still expect her to be happy for you to start dating this time next year?
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