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Old 09-24-2012, 09:55 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Default Getting over some personal icks.

Somehow I feel this needs a history. I'm bad at those (almost as bad as I am with introductions to myself).

So around May when Primal and I went from BFWB (Best Friends with Benefits) to dating Peaseblossum had some difficulties with it. They had started dating when Lamian and Primal's marriage almost broke up as a rebound so when things were getting repaired she was fine with Lamian because that was the wife but had a bit of difficulty adjusting to a new girlfriend in the mix. This lead to some instances of her being very possessive of him around me which would result in me feeling like I wasn't wanted around.

During this time I also ended up in the hospital due to a suicide attempt and hit what was my breaking point the Friday after I got out (when he and I were supposed to have a date but I invited her along as well since I hadn't seen her since I was in the hospital; she lived a good hour and a half away; and ended up feeling like I was intruding on their date).

So then an explousion happend (bad communication on all of our parts). I was afraid of hurting her, she was afraid of hurting me, Primal hadn't thought about talking with her about how his and mine relationship was changing, Peaseblossum didn't realize that she was having problems with the relationship until the two of us hit a point that we realized that we couldn't let each other go (we tried after I got out of the hospital because I had been relying on him more than Woodsmith while I was doing poorly because Woodsmith didn't know how to help me and Primal and I realized that our 4 year friendship had turned into a relationship that we weren't ready to end).

Things worked out. I realized later that I was actually projecting onto Peaseblossum another problem that I was feeling. There were times when Lamian, Primal, Peaseblossum, and Darkeyes would get together to do things and not invite myself or Woodsmith and sometimes they made comments about the family but were only talking about the 4 of them so I was feeling like they didn't really want us in the family. And not coping well with that (and being afraid of losing the people I was closest to) I lashed out at the person I was the furthest from.

History lesson over. Things have actually all worked out to the point that we've actually realized that other than finances, 5 of us are completely ready to have the family become one household (Peaseblossum still has some reservations but mostly due to the fact that she's still trying to decide if this is something she wants long term or just for now).

So my question (I was going to get to it eventually). I've recently realized that some of my other problems are trying to get over a silly fear. I get fearful of what people who don't know about our relationships (even people I don't know) will do when they see me acting romantically with my other partners if they are doing the same. It's actually probably the reason that I allowed myself to push away so much when it was myself, Primal, and either Lamian or Peaseblossum (because my mind would think "I'm the third and they need to come first", Primal's been working very hard at helping me understand that I'm just as important to him as they are and that he doesn't see me as a third). So how did/do you get over that fear to actually not worry about what others may do to you?
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:52 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
So how did/do you get over that fear to actually not worry about what others may do to you?
There's no way to overcome a fear, but to face it.
If you are afraid of drowning-you have to get in the water and risk it.
If you are afraid of flying-you have to get in the plane.
If you are afraid of falling off a horse, you have to get on one.

If you are afraid of the reactions others have to seeing your love-you have to show them your love.

The only way past a fear is through it-by facing it head on.
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Old 09-26-2012, 10:26 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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During this time I also ended up in the hospital due to a suicide attempt and hit what was my breaking point the Friday after I got out (when he and I were supposed to have a date but I invited her along as well since I hadn't seen her since I was in the hospital; she lived a good hour and a half away; and ended up feeling like I was intruding on their date).

Peaseblossum still has some reservations but mostly due to the fact that she's still trying to decide if this is something she wants long term or just for now.

So how did/do you get over that fear to actually not worry about what others may do to you?
I just want to post a question addressing statements before your question (I am out to everybody so I don't worry about that so much however I DID just have a situation today where I ran into my exes coworkers who were openly surprised we were friends - if we hadn't been poly, we probably wouldn't still be friends...nevertheless I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that even being friendly with an ex is such a "OMG big weird deal" to the mainstream in Seattle...so I can somewhat empathize. I had to avoid discussing poly and all with one of his new employers today because I was aware many people have issues with being open, and I hadn't talked that out with my ex to know what he'd feel OK with, though it is natural to me to be open.

Unless I'm misreading it, you invited her along to a time which was YOUR DATE with him. Was he put upon to this add on to your date? Was she put upon with the "fuck this is a date now I feel totally awkward"? Were you thinking it would be a date at some point but it didn't' work out because you invited a third party? Is she totally OK with the fact that what she thought was a "visiting a bf's stressed suicidal friend" was enough of an awkward moment you'd reference in the future when retelling your history on a random poly forum? Were you totally aware that you'd just tried to commit suicide so it would be weird for everyone anyway?

Peaseblossum ...it sounds like everybody is open to trying a happily ever after except for her, who is still unsure if this will work for her. Is there anything in particular, a group living situation she isnt interested in, or a certain preferred dynamic you 5 want that isn't her thing? What does it mean for you and your relationships if its NOT right for her?
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 09-26-2012 at 10:32 AM.
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Old 09-26-2012, 01:58 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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He and I had planned a date together (before I ended up in the hospital actually, I just was released before the day we had planned) and she had sent both of us a text message asking if she could come down and visit us. I did say that it would be okay because of the fact I didn't see her while I was in the hospital (again because of her living 90 minutes away) and I missed her a bit and because I knew Primal would like to see her because he doesn't get to see her that often. I don't know if that answered your questions or not.

It's the whole poly thing (and long term relationship thing) she's not sure if it's for her. She's willing to try the poly thing because she has never been faithful in a monogamous relationship and is curious if having the ability to look elsewhere if she wants can help with that. She also feels that if he has a relationship with me (and his marriage) she won't be as needed in his life so she doesn't want to commit herself to anything that will then blow up in her face. There's a bit of passive-aggressive aspects with her (she now only lives 30 min from us in the place she and Darkeyes have but will decide it's too far to drive and then complain about how she doesn't ever see anyone). Also when she gets upset about Primal being with me or Lamian she'll act out by hooking up with someone else without making sure it's okay.
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