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Old 06-05-2010, 12:41 AM
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Emaretta Emaretta is offline
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Default Disapproval of secondary...

Ok so i'm just discovering I'm poly...my primary is now mono in his life, having had more than 2 girlfriends years ago, and it's been a battle the last 10 months since I first met my secondary of trying to work this out. Part of the problem was that I didn't know I was poly when I first became interested in someone else, and told my primary we should break up since that's the mono way of thinking; when you like another person, you must break up with your first so as not to cheat. Well, realizing how much my primary and I love each other, we've stayed together and Ive been doing a lot of soul searching, ending with realizing I'm poly. My primary has somewhat agreed to research a poly way of life but NOT with my current secondary. He absolutely hates his guts saying he's lied to me and none of our mutual friends like him and he will absolutely not share me with HIM. So I really don't know what to do. I, myself, have no issues at all with my secondary and he's always been respectful to my primary. Part of me choosing this lifestyle is to have my freedom to enjoy whomever I choose, but now my primary is saying, ok...but just not with THIS guy...any advice?
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Old 06-05-2010, 12:51 AM
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I'm curious why apparently everybody dislikes him? And if that is the case is it possible that you see past the negatives due to the New Relationship Energy you both have?

I'm not saying anyone else is right in not liking him either. When I met Redpepper, I'm sure more than a few weren't happy about me. (especially her parents LOL!)
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Old 06-05-2010, 01:25 AM
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I'm curious why apparently everybody dislikes him? And if that is the case is it possible that you see past the negatives due to the New Relationship Energy you both have?
I don't know Mono b/c these same friends talk to my secondary all the time and are his friends. I asked my primary why would they still talk to him if they didn't like him or are they all just being two-faced? And i've known my secondary now for 10 months so I don't think the new thing is still there.
But my primary is saying how he sees this guy as "below" him and that i'm so out of his league and it's embarrassing to him knowing he's sharing me with this low-life. My primary swears he will totally consider an open relationship if we can have a clean slate and i get rid of this other guy and we can start fresh.
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Old 06-05-2010, 02:03 AM
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I don't know Mono b/c these same friends talk to my secondary all the time and are his friends. I asked my primary why would they still talk to him if they didn't like him or are they all just being two-faced? And i've known my secondary now for 10 months so I don't think the new thing is still there.
But my primary is saying how he sees this guy as "below" him and that i'm so out of his league and it's embarrassing to him knowing he's sharing me with this low-life. My primary swears he will totally consider an open relationship if we can have a clean slate and i get rid of this other guy and we can start fresh.
I guess the next question is...is your finding your poly nature a response to wanting to live certain principles or wanting to share with a certain individual? Is this about actually being poly because you are, or because it enables you to have a relationship with your secondary?
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Old 06-05-2010, 02:13 AM
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I guess the next question is...is your finding your poly nature a response to wanting to live certain principles or wanting to share with a certain individual? Is this about actually being poly because you are, or because it enables you to have a relationship with your secondary?
It's about being poly, bc i told my primary from the beginning i wouldn't be able to commit to him monogamously. He kept on hoping i'd snap out of it. I just thought it was a reaction from getting out of a bad marriage, but the more I read about the topic and reflected on my past relationship experiences, it made me realize this lifestyle is so much more in tune to what I want. My primary thinks i'm just trying to find a lifestyle that allows me to cheat freely and he doesn't understand how I've always been like this, it's only just now that I'm realizing a name for it. Monogamy just feels restricting and controlling to me. Polygamy represents freedom to me to be yourself around others and be open to exploring some amazing experiences with others, but I do enjoy having my primary relationship as well and living with someone I love.
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Old 06-05-2010, 02:20 AM
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It's about being poly, bc i told my primary from the beginning i wouldn't be able to commit to him monogamously. He kept on hoping i'd snap out of it. I just thought it was a reaction from getting out of a bad marriage, but the more I read about the topic and reflected on my past relationship experiences, it made me realize this lifestyle is so much more in tune to what I want. My primary thinks i'm just trying to find a lifestyle that allows me to cheat freely and he doesn't understand how I've always been like this, it's only just now that I'm realizing a name for it. Monogamy just feels restricting and controlling to me. Polygamy represents freedom to me to be yourself around others and be open to exploring some amazing experiences with others, but I do enjoy having my primary relationship as well and living with someone I love.
If your primary doesn't accept that you can love more than him and is waiting for you to snap out of it, you might have a serious problem. I'm thinking no one will be good enough for you in his eyes.....translated, he doesn't want you to have anyone else. I don't pretend to understand how poly people love but I accept that it is true to them and very real and healthy.
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Old 06-05-2010, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Emaretta View Post
But my primary is saying how he sees this guy as "below" him and that i'm so out of his league and it's embarrassing to him knowing he's sharing me with this low-life. My primary swears he will totally consider an open relationship if we can have a clean slate and i get rid of this other guy and we can start fresh.

I had a somewhat similar problem with my ex a few years ago... I wanted a poly life. He said he was okay with it. For years I waited in vain. My ex kept saying that it wasn't the right time and we need to find someone new that he liked. The problem with my ex was he didn't like anyone... no matter how great or attractive they were. I found out later that he was using it as an excuse to keep me from going out and meeting new people. We lived in Seattle for a while and there was an awesome poly meet up group.. nothing nasty or shady at all. It was set up for young and old.. families w/ kids and just random people. They would have potlucks and talk about poly life issues and also just sit around drinking coffee and having a good time. I tried to get my guy to go to a meeting with me. He never would... he said the people were all freaks and he didn't trust them. When I told him I would go alone he would freak out and say that we were supposed to be "in this together"... I couldn't win. I ended up breaking up with him. He never wanted anything to do with any man (or woman) I met and was into... even if I didn't like them in a special way. He would complain about them saying that even if I were friends with them it would grow into more... and he told me not to see them again or he would just get really moody and mad if I hung with them. I'm not saying this is what your guy is doing... but make sure you talk with him and try to find out if he really wants the poly life w/ you... or if he is just saying he does so you won't leave him. I hope he just doesn't like this one guy... as bad as sounds... but at least then you know you CAN find another partner if you want to.
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Old 06-05-2010, 05:59 PM
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I found out later that he was using it as an excuse to keep me from going out and meeting new people.
yeah i'm worried of that too. Especially since I think his negative opinions of my secondary are founded in jealousy so why would anyone else be any different? And when I say, ok, let's stay i stop talking to my secondary...and let's say I meet someone next week...then what? And my primary just says well that isn't going to happen...not a good answer i think...

I have a friend who lives in seattle actually that has sent me to their online forum lol
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Old 06-06-2010, 03:32 AM
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yeah i'm worried of that too. Especially since I think his negative opinions of my secondary are founded in jealousy so why would anyone else be any different? And when I say, ok, let's stay i stop talking to my secondary...and let's say I meet someone next week...then what? And my primary just says well that isn't going to happen...not a good answer i think...

I have a friend who lives in seattle actually that has sent me to their online forum lol
I never got a chance to go to a meet up because my ex was so controlling... It seemed like a lot of fun. While I would always advise you to be careful... the Seattle folks did seemed really nice. They also seemed to be well known in the poly world. As I stated earlier... I had to leave my ex. When I told him of my plans to leave he became violent. I knew then that his jealousy and controlling ways were just warning signs. I don't want to scare you... your guy may not be like my ex. I just want you to really try and figure out if being with him is worth all the stress. I spent the last three years of a four year relationship dealing with a similar man.... in the end I just had to get out. I have no regrets about leaving.. It was hard at first... but now I have an awesome primary and great supportive friends. I'm still new and growing so I can't brag too much...lol. I just don't want you to give up on something that makes you happy because some man tells you 'he knows best'.

be careful and good luck
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Old 06-05-2010, 12:53 AM
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Yikes! That is a slippery slope...I mean how much control should a primary have in the choice of secondary for one in a V situation? I don't think I would be one for giving that kind of cart blanche. Then again it all depends on what kind of poly life you all will be leading. How much interaction amongst friends and family etc. Why does your primary feel threatened by this secondary? Is it the very common territorial thing or is there a real reason for distrust? Can't offer much advice but I can offer to be someone who listens to your issues. Best of luck.
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