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  #1  
Old 09-22-2012, 10:39 PM
livingston livingston is offline
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Default My secondary is starting a primary relationship...

I have been with my girlfriend 'grid' for 6 years. we live together, are trying to have a baby together, and are committed to being life partners. I have been seeing my girlfriend 'loop' for 2 years, some of which was spent normalizing polyamory/monogamish/whatever we are into our lives (i.e. there was much work involved). we are all close friends and see each other often. I have one overnight with loop per week at this point, but I see her a lot during the week otherwise.

I have worked very hard to protect what I have with loop and grow it to be its own thing in the shadow of my established relationship with grid. it pains me to use terms like "primary" and "secondary", and I have been trying to move from it. loop is very important to me and I have made sacrifices to make us work. all my choices, of course.

this august, grid and I went out of the country for a job I had for a month. I had initially invited loop as well, but she wasn't comfortable coming on an out of country trip with all three of us just yet. before I left, loop started seeing a new person (stine), they had gone out twice and ze seemed really wonderful and I was excited to meet ze and integrate ze into our little family/community.

a month later, right when I got back, loop asked me to take a break from seeing me for our regular dates for a while because stine was expressing difficult feelings about the situation. loop also had a looming work deadline and wanted to spend her time completing the work and not stressing out over stine and me. I felt completely crappy about this, because I felt that loop had not been clear with stine, and had obviously not drawn any boundaries protecting our relationship. it's hard, because loop hasn't dated anyone seriously (except me) in 4 years, and honestly, good, hot queers are hard to find (stine seems to be good and hot). she doesn't like too many folks, and seems to be compeltely smitten with stine. I want her to figure it out.

initially, I thought our break would be a week. now we are two weeks in, and she told me that she wants the break from our sexual activities/dates to continue until her work assignment is complete (2 more weeks) and she has energy to deal with her relationships. however, she is still seeing stine. in fact, she has spent the last two nights with stine and is on her way to another city to see ze now.

I am kind of freaking out. loop seems really overwhelmed, and keeps telling me that she wants badly to make it work with stine, and wants ze to feel like ze can invest in her. she trusts me, says she's never asked anything of me, and that she needs this. that our relationship is stronger and can take the strain, but that stine and her's is not so strong.

my girlfriend grid thinks I should be chill about it. but she also says things like "maybe loop values stine more than you". to which I am thinking WHAT??

so I am torn. sometimes I feel like loop is trying to make this work in the best way she can, and then other times I think that she is really dicking me over. in the last two days I have had some major freakouts and sent some nasty messages to loop (lord knows I'm not seeing her right now, she's been with stine for 3 days).

how can I be more zen about this? how do you know where to draw the line? what is the compromise? I feel really hurt.
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  #2  
Old 09-22-2012, 11:08 PM
livingston livingston is offline
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I wanted to clarify those timelines... I rounded up in one and down in the other.

grid and I have been together 5.5yrs, loop and I about 2.5yrs.
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  #3  
Old 09-23-2012, 02:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So would you feel better knowing WHEN you guys have a date?

Rather than endless putting me off-ness?

GG
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Old 09-23-2012, 02:05 AM
livingston livingston is offline
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yes, I think that would feel a lot better.
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  #5  
Old 09-23-2012, 03:50 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Yes, I'd say ask to schedule the next date now, so you know when it will be. I wouldn't send any nasty messages - trying to drive her away or something?

Be the partner you'd want somebody to be for you, give space where its needed (as no matter how badly she is doing it at your expense, that's what she's saying she needs), and keep yourself busy. Tell Loop you are looking forward to seeing her, but you'll try not to bother her for these next two weeks, though you're available for her if she changes her mind.

What you really want to know is "How is what is going on with you and Stine right now going to affect you and me" If you find yourself stressing about it a lot over the next week, maybe you ask Loop that now, and ask for her to be prepared to answer that when you see her, or before you meet so you can enjoy catching up.
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  #6  
Old 09-23-2012, 04:00 AM
livingston livingston is offline
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how do I get over the expense to me part? does this seem really unfair to you? I am looking for a reality check. I feel like I'm being treated really unfairly...
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