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Old 09-15-2012, 11:52 PM
karsh48421 karsh48421 is offline
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Default need some advice, newer relationship

very Recently our relationships have become sexual after two months of being in the relationship. We will call the members of our group S, J and C. C is my wife, S Is my so, J is my friend who is dating my wife and is maried to S. Right now my wife C thinks the idea of me and S together is hot, J is more ok with the sex than cuddling and kissing in the living room because the bedroom is out of sight out of mind. It feels a little weird to me but I am handing everything well and very much enjoy my time with S. S was very excited about it at first but after a couple of times she is now having issues with thinking of C and J together, and is now thinking of talking to the group and asking for a break from the sex until she can be more comfortable with it. I feel that if we take a break and continue later the same feelings will surface because nothing will be different and it will give her more time to psych herself out. The sex is not important to me. I love every minute of my time with S cuddling and talking, but still feel a break would not be beneficial to how she feels about the sex.

Does anyone have any input, or shared a similar experience? What helped calm the nerves?
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:21 PM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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I hope someone has some input.
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:50 PM
karsh48421 karsh48421 is offline
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jasaty = S
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Old 09-16-2012, 04:02 PM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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I guess I could have pointed that out, thanks.
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Old 09-17-2012, 04:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
S is now thinking of talking to the group and asking for a break from the sex until she can be more comfortable with it.
Look, she is stating a need for a time out. LISTEN when people state their needs.

DO talk in quad. AND hear out all the OTHER people's wants, needs, and limits.

You yourself have stated a limit and a concern to air out to the quad. Maybe C and J have some things to air out of their own as you guys navigate this dating time and figure out the shape of your polyship thing over there. Not just who is romantically involved with who but how this polyship will cope with communication and conflict resolution.
  • CONCERN: I feel that if we take a break and continue later the same feelings will surface because nothing will be different and it will give her more time to psych herself out.

  • LIMIT: The sex is not important to me. I love every minute of my time with S cuddling and talking


As for this?

still feel a break would not be beneficial to how she feels about the sex.

You have not given her a chance to air out in quad to form the plan to accomplish this and how the others can support her in her personal growth.

First, there needs to be a time limit. How long is the time out gonna be? A month? Is that reasonable for all til the next check in?

What is going to be allowed in the time out time? Just cuddles? All on board?

What will S be doing to deal with her issues? Can she give examples of her plan so the others can check in and hold her accountable? So she can hold herself accountable?

To get over my weird feelings I will... (what?)

Examples:
A) Read X articles online about (poly? quads? jealousy? sex? safer sex practices? Polymath tiers and tending to each?) the things that are sticking points for her.
B) Journal my feelings out about each article.
C) Talk to my quad partners in single (vs in quad) about things I feel with each so help me sort out
D) Plan for handling my discomfort when the time out it over by ____

Stuff like that. She has to list it for herself. She may need help to ID WHERE the yucky feelings are coming from.

If she has a game plan for the time out time then YOU can feel like she's actually trying to do something rather than doing an ostrich and avoid. If she's made progress down her list by the next check in but not all there yet, the quad can chat and form the next baby step plan thing for how to best support/encourage her in the growth.

But do talk.

Communication is key.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-17-2012 at 04:31 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-17-2012, 05:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Look, she is stating a need for a time out. LISTEN when people state their needs.
Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
DO talk in quad. AND hear out all the OTHER people's wants, needs, and limits.
I want to talk as a group, but I have a terrible time with it. It's hard for me. I don't like letting others down or them getting angry/upset with me. I know it's a part of life but I tend to beat myself up over things. I know I have to learn to not let others dictate how I feel and I am working on that. Plus, with everyone's schedules there isn't a whole lot of time where we are all home together. I know that isn't an excuse though.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
First, there needs to be a time limit. How long is the time out gonna be? A month? Is that reasonable for all til the next check in?

What is going to be allowed in the time out time? Just cuddles? All on board?

What will S be doing to deal with her issues? Can she give examples of her plan so the others can check in and hold her accountable? So she can hold herself accountable?
I had a time limit in mind that wasn't incredibly long. I have the answers to all of your questions, more or less, written in a note doc on my computer. I have been thinking about things and knew they would want answers and since I am terrible at speaking on the fly I wanted it written down somewhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If she has a game plan for the time out time then YOU can feel like she's actually trying to do something rather than doing an ostrich and avoid. If she's made progress down her list by the next check in but not all there yet, the quad can chat and form the next baby step plan thing for how to best support/encourage her in the growth.
Thank you for all of your advice. It's nice to get an outside perspective on things. I appreciate it.
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