I am looking for suggestions and help with poly

[nerdyred]

There has to be a lot of people who are honestly committed to this way of thinking. I want to learn as much about it as possible before I leap completely. Can anyone take me under their wing so to speak?

[GalaGirl]

Welcome!

Apart from reading posts here, and books like Opening Up or Ethical Slut I would suggest online resources like

http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

The Opening Up website that matches the book has some free worksheets you could think about doing too in preparation.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

HTH!
GalaGirl

[AnnabelMore]

Reading posts in the Life Stories and Blogs section is a great way to get a sense of the wide range of ways people are living as poly. It's a lot more balanced than reading in the Poly Relationships section, which tends to focus on problems. The sites that GG suggested are also good. It may be easier for people to offer you advice after you've developed your thinking on the topic to the point where you can ask concrete questions.

[nerdyred]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

Reading posts in the Life Stories and Blogs section is a great way to get a sense of the wide range of ways people are living as poly. It's a lot more balanced than reading in the Poly Relationships section, which tends to focus on problems. The sites that GG suggested are also good. It may be easier for people to offer you advice after you've developed your thinking on the topic to the point where you can ask concrete questions.

Thank you so much for responding. I have thought of the subject for some time and I do want to commit to this lifestyle.
One question I have, is it better to join an already existing family or start my own from scratch? Should I focus on a more ordered and controlled relationships, or something more loose? What I don't want to do is get sick.

I will read the sights and books, can you suggest any highlights?

[nycindie]

Hello and welcome!

Originally Posted by nerdyred

I have thought of the subject for some time and I do want to commit to this lifestyle.

There is, in actuality, no such thing as "this lifestyle," in any definitive sense, to commit to. Polyamory is simply the desire and ability to have more than one loving relationship, with the knowledge and full consent of everyone involved - that's it. No particular lifestyle required! Everyone embraces and lives polyamorously in their own unique ways, and you can incorporate polyamory into just about any kind of lifestyle. Basically, you can do it any which way you want, as long as you and your partners are in agreement.

Originally Posted by nerdyred

One question I have, is it better to join an already existing family or start my own from scratch?

What exactly do you mean by "family?" Are you looking for a communal type of living arrangement, and raising kids with a bunch of people? It is not an automatic thing for polyfolk to be involved as a "family," so that term strikes me as odd, simply because it's not how I do poly. One does not need to cohabit with their partners to be/live poly. If that is what you're looking for, then it is good that you have a clear goal, but stay open to possibilities. As Annabel said, don't look for configurations to fit into; first look for people who turn you on, with whom you feel a connection, and whose company you enjoy, then see how it all fits together.

Originally Posted by nerdyred

Should I focus on a more ordered and controlled relationships, or something more loose? What I don't want to do is get sick.

Your question is confusing to me. Are you talking about ordered/controlled or loose in terms of sexual fidelity? Or configuration, or... what?

Originally Posted by nerdyred

I will read the sights and books, can you suggest any highlights?

See what resonates with you. You can usually see snippets online, and read reviews, of most of the books in this thread: Polyamory Books, Magazines, Websites.

[GalaGirl]

One question I have, is it better to join an already existing family or start my own from scratch?

Only YOU can answer that.

What are YOU wanting/looking for? And what is your polysaturation point? Do you want to end up in a poly tangle? A polyfidelitous CLOSED situation? Of what size? Where is you polysaturation point? LDR or no?

There is no one way to do poly. I would suggest you spend time reading, then spend time looking inward to see what YOUR wants, needs, and limitations are.

I know for sure that when I was a single? I did not want exclusive and I did not want serious. DH was my FWB! And I was a hinge in a V, and still dating in the nondating dating way. I liked the fuzzy edges then.

Today? To open up from a marriage? Totally different wants and needs -- I want a CLOSED polyship -- of 3 to 4 people in it total and DH and I are already 2. I'm older, want things more clear cut, ship shape. I'm not keen on fuzzy as much. I do not want to mix raising families of children -- I prefer the children grown up and doing their own deal.

So spend time thinking about YOU and what YOU need.

GG

[nerdyred]

Thank you, I will read "opening up" over the next week. Could you suggest what you recommend from the book?

[AnnabelMore]

I would suggest searching for people rather than structures. You never know what wonderful things are going to come into your life if you're open to them, and conversely you may hurt a person or a relationship by trying to make it into something it's not if you have lots of preconceived notions.

Maybe try setting some boundaries for yourself to start. Examples could include:
- In order to protect my health, I will only be involved with people who are willing to tell me about their other partners, tell their other partners about me, and let us meet each other -- I will not participate in any "don't ask don't tell" or cheating-based arrangements.

You can build on this as you go along, but simple things like that give you a place to start.

Next, start setting out to meet potential partners. You could join a poly-friendly dating site like OkCupid, or you could join a poly discussion group, or you could just start getting involved with new activities while being open about your intended lifestyle. Just get into contact with people with an open mind and heart. Where friendships develop, wonderful! These are great things to have in their own right, and can also help introduce you to new potential partners. Where it feels like it could be more than friendship -- mutual attraction, alignment of values, affinity in personality -- be straightforward with the other person/people and see what happens. Take any "no"s with grace and keep looking.

You'll find the right structure for you, whether it happens right away or after a few false starts, and whether it's by getting involved with people who are part of existing poly networks or by starting your own. Again, start with people, and let the best structure reveal itself based on the unique blending of your personalities and life circumstances.

[nerdyred]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I would suggest searching for people rather than structures. You never know what wonderful things are going to come into your life if you're open to them, and conversely you may hurt a person or a relationship by trying to make it into something it's not if you have lots of preconceived notions.

Maybe try setting some boundaries for yourself to start. Examples could include:
- In order to protect my health, I will only be involved with people who are willing to tell me about their other partners, tell their other partners about me, and let us meet each other -- I will not participate in any "don't ask don't tell" or cheating-based arrangements.

You can build on this as you go along, but simple things like that give you a place to start.

Next, start setting out to meet potential partners. You could join a poly-friendly dating site like OkCupid, or you could join a poly discussion group, or you could just start getting involved with new activities while being open about your intended lifestyle. Just get into contact with people with an open mind and heart. Where friendships develop, wonderful! These are great things to have in their own right, and can also help introduce you to new potential partners. Where it feels like it could be more than friendship -- mutual attraction, alignment of values, affinity in personality -- be straightforward with the other person/people and see what happens. Take any "no"s with grace and keep looking.

You'll find the right structure for you, whether it happens right away or after a few false starts, and whether it's by getting involved with people who are part of existing poly networks or by starting your own. Again, start with people, and let the best structure reveal itself based on the unique blending of your personalities and life circumstances.

In my case meeting poly people has never been very difficult. And in the past I am the one being "looked at" if you will. I just wasn't really ready to fall for for a "family" based on nothing but vim and vinegar. Because I was cautious I have watched the groups break up because of internal tensions. I want to avoid that. So yeh, people would be a good way of looking at that.