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  #1  
Old 09-08-2012, 01:12 AM
jwr jwr is offline
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Default What do you do when afraid?

The truth is that I hate myself. I hate everything about my life. I've been married for 8 years and I have a beautiful son. But I feel that I can do nothing for him or anyone else. I've been unemployed for nearly 2 years now. I'm the darkness before everything goes pitch black. I remember who I was a long time ago. I used to love going to parties and hanging out with friends all the time. I loved spending time with different people. I loved being able to love different people. That changed, I changed. I got married. I thought it was what I wanted at the time, but after only a few years I don't know anymore. There are people I have met in my life that I yearn to be close to. I can't. My wife allows nothing like that. She is as straight as they come. She says she has moral issues and also she cant handle the jealousy. I've always cared for her. She says that it's us and that's how it works. I don't know how I should feel. Part of me says I'm sick and wrong and then part of me says that its ok that I feel this way. I'm trapped either way. If I were to leave her she would go crazy and kill me. Sometimes I want to do it myself. I dont know what to do.
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  #2  
Old 09-08-2012, 01:45 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwr View Post
The truth is that I hate myself. I hate everything about my life. I've been married for 8 years and I have a beautiful son. But I feel that I can do nothing for him or anyone else. I've been unemployed for nearly 2 years now. I'm the darkness before everything goes pitch black. I remember who I was a long time ago. I used to love going to parties and hanging out with friends all the time. I loved spending time with different people. I loved being able to love different people. That changed, I changed. I got married. I thought it was what I wanted at the time, but after only a few years I don't know anymore. There are people I have met in my life that I yearn to be close to. I can't. My wife allows nothing like that. She is as straight as they come. She says she has moral issues and also she cant handle the jealousy. I've always cared for her. She says that it's us and that's how it works. I don't know how I should feel. Part of me says I'm sick and wrong and then part of me says that its ok that I feel this way. I'm trapped either way. If I were to leave her she would go crazy and kill me. Sometimes I want to do it myself. I dont know what to do.
Just a few points that came to mind reading your post:

#1.) I am sorry you are in such a dark place.

#2.) It certainly sounds, from this post, that you may be clinically depressed - it may be an inherent tendency or a result of the circumstances you find yourself in. Either way it makes sense to hold off making major decisions until you have a better handle on what you are feeling and why you feel that way. Talk to a doctor. You may need medication or counseling to help you get to a place where you have a clear picture of what you need to do now.

#3.) You feel the need to get "close to" other people (please define what you mean by this - friends? lovers? buddies? girlfriends? second wives?). It IS ok, in my book, to feel that way. It would NOT be ok, in my book, to act on this in ways that cause further damage in your life. How much closeness is too much for your wife? Can you have friends?

#4.) You feel that your wife would "go crazy and kill you" if you were to leave. People really do survive breakups/separation/divorce. If you get yourself to a place of clarity and decide that leaving is what you actually have to do - then perhaps you can help her get the help she needs to be able to cope with that.

Without more information it is hard to provide advise. From the limited information you gave it sounds like you convinced yourself that getting married was what you wanted (were supposed to want?) and that, for you, it wasn't all that was promised. You now feel trapped and are looking for escape and are viewing your wife as the jailer.

You are an adult. You have responsibilities - to your wife, to your kid, and to yourself. You have rights - to have your needs met, to seek happiness and fulfillment in life. If your situation is making you miserable you can a.) change the situation or b.) remove yourself from it. From here it looks like the first step is to seek help. (Posting here is a good start - but if you have slid into MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) then you will need the help of a professional).

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 09-08-2012 at 01:48 AM.
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  #3  
Old 09-08-2012, 02:08 AM
jwr jwr is offline
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I don't display any emotion at any given time that would make others think I'm unhappy. I just deal with it and keep it to myself. I don't feel any deep connection to my wife though she swears she is rooted to me. I can't communicate to her about anything. Anytime I say something she doesn't agree with, she hurts herself and then blames it on me. She has convinced others that I'm abusive when we argue. So I never talk to her about anything that might upset her. And no joke, I fear for my life leaving her. I have received death threats from people following me when she thought I was leaving once. If I leave, there will be a hit on me. I almost jumped off a bridge once, but I couldn't get passed the ledge. I just got down and cried in the street. And people just kept walking by.
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Old 09-08-2012, 02:32 AM
Qpmomma Qpmomma is offline
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I have been where you are emotionally and mentally. If you think you will hurt yourself, walk into an ER and tell them you are afraid you will self harm. Please get help for ypur depression. It's no joke!

Also, if you are afraid for your life can you go to a police station?

It sounds like somethings needs to happen before someone gets hurt.
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  #5  
Old 09-08-2012, 02:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Please get yourself aid. That links to my blog that holds some useful links.

This is serious!

Please remember that even if poorly treated right now, you have worth, dignity and value as a person. I hope you get to a safer place in your Life. But please do call somewhere for aid.

hugs,
GG
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  #6  
Old 09-08-2012, 02:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jwr View Post
... Anytime I say something she doesn't agree with, she hurts herself and then blames it on me. She has convinced others that I'm abusive when we argue. ... no joke, I fear for my life leaving her. I have received death threats from people following me when she thought I was leaving once. If I leave, there will be a hit on me.
This is manipulative, emotionally abusive behavior. Do you think that this environment is a safe place for your son to be?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jwr View Post
I almost jumped off a bridge once, but I couldn't get passed the ledge. I just got down and cried in the street. And people just kept walking by.
I am not a professional counselor. The world is not a kind place - but some people are. I hope you find the help that you need. The National Domestic Violence Hotline National Domestic Violence Hotline may be able to provide some suggestions.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #7  
Old 09-08-2012, 02:54 AM
jwr jwr is offline
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I have called the police, they usually tell me they don't handle matters that I'm dealing with and to call a counselor etc. once I told them my wife and I had a fight and they came to the house. They ignored me, went inside and talked to my wife and then came back out and threatened to throw me in jail.
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  #8  
Old 09-08-2012, 02:56 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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You can check yourself into hospital for a mental health evaluation and spill the beans there.

You can check yourself into a shelter and spill the beans there.

Even going to jail -- you'd be safe there from your wife and would get to talk to lawyer/counselor people.

Hang in there.

GG
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