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  #1  
Old 09-07-2012, 03:07 PM
Qpmomma Qpmomma is offline
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Question Need advice

Hello! I am new here, but not really new to the poly lifestyle.

My history: I am a female and I have always been sexually attracted to men and women. It feels natural to me and I'm not ashamed of it at all. In college I was in a relationship with a guy who was really supportive of me exploring my sexuality. It wasn't for his benefit, he really wanted me to be happy. So I started dating another bi chick and I was so happy.

After college my girlfriend decided to move out of state and we ened our relationship. I havn't dated a girl since. I really believe I was falling in love with her.

Fastforward 5 years I met my now husband. He is strictly mono. I knew this when we met. Here's part of my issue: I have never told him I am attracted to women. I now know I should have been honest from the start. I thought I would be ok with only having a man. We've been married for 4 years and I do love him dearly. We have a 2yr old together.

About a a year and half ago I met Pan. At first we were friends and we hung out a lot. She is a lesbian. She knows about my past and true sexuality. I thought we could just be friends, but here latley I have deeloped a crush pn her. She has also hinted she feels the same way about me. She is awesome and soo freaking cute!

Here's my problem: my husband has no clue I am bi. I am afraid to tell him now b/c I don't know how he will react. Regardless of wether I can have a relationship with Pan I feel the need to be honest with my husband. I am not willing to leave my husband for her. We have too much history, responsibility, and love. I really regret not being honest with him at the beginning.

I don't know what to do. I did tell Pan we cannot hang out alone for a while b/c I am really attracted to her. Do I tell my husband or so I stop my friendship now and be more careful in the future with women?
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  #2  
Old 09-07-2012, 03:12 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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You should talk to your husband for sure. Its odd you would hide aspects of who you are from the person you're building a life with and then share those hidden things with others. Do you see how that sharing of secrets might create an atmosphere of attraction the way people who end up in affairs often do? Then you have to wonder how much of the growing attraction is due to the secrecy you don't have to maintain with Pan and how much of it is based on real compatibility.
Nip it in the bud by eliminating the secrecy.
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Old 09-07-2012, 03:24 PM
Qpmomma Qpmomma is offline
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I know. When my husband and i first started dating he was very straight laced. Part of me thought my experience in college was a one time deal and I lied to myself and lied to him in the process.

I say I have a crush on Pan b/c I often wonder if my feelings for her are distorted. I do feel like I am cheating my husband out of a better relationship with me b/c I shared something with someone else and not with him.

I just don't know how to bring it up. "oh hey, I never told you this in the past 6 years, but I'm bi" ???
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  #4  
Old 09-07-2012, 04:31 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Try looking at it as choosing between skydiving and bungee jumping. Not much difference between either fear facing activity.

Tell hubby all probably does = scary and what's that going to bring? and a whole lot of questions you don't look forward to answering.

BUT

Continuing on with an association that might well be partially fueled by a forbidden fruit element can also lead to fear of what that brings and a whole lot of questions you don't look forward to.
So really you ARE there and its spill all time either way. At least if you deal in honesty you can be proud of yourself no matter what the outcome. If you don't deal in honesty you will just have what ever happens with less reason to be proud of yourself.
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Old 09-07-2012, 05:43 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qpmomma View Post
I know. When my husband and i first started dating he was very straight laced. Part of me thought my experience in college was a one time deal and I lied to myself and lied to him in the process.
Is there a part of you that assumes other people won't accept you for who you are?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Qpmomma View Post
I just don't know how to bring it up. "oh hey, I never told you this in the past 6 years, but I'm bi" ???
You can be a little softer about it if you want, but no matter how you say it, he will know this is exactly what you are saying.

You had time to get to know Pan, so you knew she would accept your sexuality before you told her. You never talked to your husband about it, so he doesn't know. It sounds to me like you want to make sure someone will accept something about you before you are willing to tell them what that something is. If this is true, this is the real issue.

I know you are worried about how telling your husband will change your relationship with him. The change is already happening in some ways.The emotional connection you have with Pan is already changing you. That means that connection with her is already changing the relationship you have with your husband. He may have already noticed a change in you. The best thing to do is tell him.
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  #6  
Old 09-07-2012, 07:56 PM
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Skater21 Skater21 is offline
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I agree, it is time to come clean. Be strong, be supportive and be ready for it to be a shock to him. You may find that once it is all out in the open, he is more open to your needs than you are giving him credit for.
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  #7  
Old 09-08-2012, 05:34 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm not entirely clear.

Are you are crushing from afar and the woman doesn't even know and you just suspect she crushes back?

Or actually TOLD the woman of your crush and it's now an emotional affair because she CONFIRMED she crushes too and you are all loveydovey with each other?

Either way -- just get it over with and come clean with your husband. You did a lie of omission not telling at the start about your bisexuality and now you are compounding it with the pseudo GF.

He has the right to know.

Apologize for the lie of omission, ask for forgiveness and opportunity to make ammends.

If your emotional intimacy with your spouse is tight AND you have tight friendships, that's one thing. But it is not fair to practice emotional intimacy with other people while you deny your own husband the same opportunity to be emotionally closer to you. What is he? Chopped liver?
Quote:
We have too much history, responsibility, and love. I really regret not being honest with him at the beginning.
If this is the case, then take steps to get back into right relationship with him NOW. No time like the present.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-08-2012 at 05:36 AM.
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