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  #1  
Old 05-17-2010, 01:16 PM
cori cori is offline
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I am new to Polyamourous relationships, but Im very confused
I have been married for 14 years , we have two children. I had been unhappy in our marriage and in myself for a long time. I had tried to talk to my husband about my issues but our communication has been pretty poor which i suppose has lead to relationship breakdown. About two years ago I started chatting online and got to know various people. I finally admitted to myself that my relationship was not working and I was amazed that i could communicate openly with new people and get the responses i needed. My confidence grew and i started to explore the possibility of finding a new relationship. At the same time I still cared for my husband and he is a good dad, the possibility of seperation seemed inconcievable due to our finacial situation. We stopped having sex about 18 months ago , moved into seperate rooms etc. He seemed to accept this and did not try an alter things. Meanwhile i started dating, he was aware of this but I wasnt totally upfront about it (meaning I didnt tell him 'im going out with x tonight) . At the end of last year i met someone new who is openly polyamarous. The chemistry was instant, and I was/am impressed by his ability to communicate openly and honestly and his ability to face at difficult issues head on.
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
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  #2  
Old 05-17-2010, 03:33 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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I think you guys need to go your separate ways. Your new interest may be poly and that may be the way you decide to go with your life, but it doesn't seem like your hubby really is wired that way. Again, that's ok but it seems to me that the best course of action is that you and he go your separate ways and you live your life. JMO of course and good luck.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:43 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
I told my husband about this relationship early on, he is still having a lot of difficulty accepting it. Despite the fact that we have had no intimate relationship in almost 2 years he still sees it as cheating. I know he is hurting still, but i dont know what I can do help him with that. I really value my new relationship, i feel ive come out of the closet with my thoughts feelings and sexuality. I cant let that go.
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
Have you tried to work through why your husband has disconnected with you? Sought counselling? Maybe he was distancing himself for a reason.

Also, he may still value his relationship with you, but not need sex. By going to someone else for sex and loving you may just be rubbing salt in a wound you don't know about.

Usually the rule of thumb is to not to involve a poly relationship until the other relationships involved are healthy. Yours, with your husband, is not healthy. It wasn't healthy before poly and won't be because of poly.

Poly, imo, isn't about finding other people to fill those huge gaps your other partners don't fill...I don't love other people because my wife doesn't do it for me anymore...I love other people because I love other people. Period.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:02 PM
cori cori is offline
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Its just not possible to go our seperate ways at the moment. Its a finacial issue.

I tried the counselling approach , i asked him to seek counselling for his issues as I had done for mine. We tried relationship counselling so we could at the very least try to be friends but he didnt want to really engage with the process.
Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.
I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.

By the way, i think i probably or could be polyamorous, ive never really felt monogamus. I am quite inspired by the possibilities when the communication is so open and honest.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Im not expecting my relationship to be healthy because i am with someone else.
You miss my point. Moving onto a secondary relationship while the primary is not working is asking for some problems. Thats all. Sorry if I wasnt clear, that happens sometimes

Quote:
I just want to work out how to have this new relationship which is important to me, and not to hurt him too much in the process. Its a very difficult situation, and id wondered if anyone else managed this.
If he doesn't want to open up
if he doesn't want to communicate
If he doesn't want counselling
if he doesn't want to work on the relationship (monogamous or otherwise)
If you REALLY can't leave

Than I believe you are running into a big ole wall. I would say he is holding you emotionally hostage to be honest. You can't do what you are trying to do without hurting him. Have you tried getting him to read any of the information about being in an open relationship.

Opening Up (very polyscentric)
Ethical Slut (about open relationships in general)
http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Maybe he is a quiet introspective guy that needs to figure this out on his own...hopefully getting him to read on it will help.
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Old 05-17-2010, 06:36 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I realize your marriage isn't working out how YOU planned it, but it takes two to tango and yes, you have and are cheating as far as I am concerned.

If you really aren't happy and he really isn't willing to do the work to reconnect with you then I think you both need to find good therapists to work on getting through the pain you have caused by taking this path way back when you were not getting your needs met and decided to take the road of deciet rather than integrity. I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.

I'm really quite dismayed that a poly guy would be interested in engaging with a cheating woman. Not very poly and a tad opportunist. What's he thinking!

You've got some work to do it seems to make this right. Lots to talk about with your husband. You broke trust with him sex or no sex. Intimacy or no intimacy. Just because your marriage wasn't going to your plan doesn't give you the right to become selfish. Rather it was time to get to the bottom of it and not be complacent. You missed the boat to sorting it out in both your best interest really. So get to work and do it now would be my suggestion.

Now, I realize this post will be uncomfortable and not be what you want to hear and for that I apoligize. From the info given and from my experience, its my opinion and you can take it or leave it. Your choice
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  #7  
Old 05-17-2010, 07:23 PM
cori cori is offline
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RedPepper
that is really Judgemental, i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago. Where is the deciet?
I agree it takes two to tango and we both have responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage. What I am trying to do is salvage some kind of friendship because we have spent many years together, have had many wonderful experiences and have two beautiful children. At the moment it is IMPOSSIBLE to go seperate ways, eventually yes. Good therapists and Good Lawyers cost lots of money of which we dont have at the moment.
I am also stunned that ANYONE choose to become involved with me given the difficulty of my situation.

Arikas,
Thanks for pointing out that that. I would like him to read something about open relationships, he is pretty much considers that polyamory is a tool of the devil.
I do feel I am being kept an emotional hostage to a degree.
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  #8  
Old 05-18-2010, 07:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's all fine and dandy for everyone to sit in their privileged lives and say "you need to get divorced" ... when they're not the ones who will be out on the street, with no health care, scrounging for a roof over their head, struggling to make ends meet.

I'm actually going to take a completely different side from everyone else.

It sounds like "the romantic and loving version" of your marriage is over. But if you and your husband still have friendship, if you still enjoy each other's company, you enjoy sharing household responsibilities but just don't have sexual feelings for one another anymore, then what right does anyone else have to dictate how your marriage is allowed to look?

As I see it, the issue is that you need love, romance, and sex, and perhaps your husband does not. It sounds to me that you've made every effort to make your marriage work, and that your husband has just dug in his heals and given up.

I've heard about couples who "grew apart" as lovers but were still close as friends and were happy living together as room mates. In the US, marriage is a very beneficial social arrangement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
i dont see how my new relationship is cheating as I am open about what is going on AND the intimate and emotional relationship with my husband ended a long time ago.
If I walk in to a store and say "I'm going to take this candy bar without paying for it" and the clerk says "no, you're not allowed" and then I do it anyway, would you agree that's called stealing?

If you're having sex with someone outside your marriage and your husband does not consent, then that's commonly referred to as cheating. Regardless of how you felt about your marriage not satisfying your needs, it's unrealistic to expect your husband to just be ok with the thought of his wife in another man's arms.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I suggest you also find a good lawyer and that he does too and work on your separation. There is no good reason to stay it seems and I'm sorry, finances are not a good enough reason just as kids aren't. It may take time, but it is possible.
RedPepper, we need to remember that we are SO LUCKY to live in Canada, where at the bare minimum, you always know that if you get really sick and need to be hospitalized, your government will take care of that. But if this woman had given up her career to raise children and were relying on her husband's health benefits for her $1,500 per month medical treatment, then divorce could literally mean her death. We have no idea what her situation is, so it's over-simplistic to say "finances are not a good enough reason."

Things can be so much more complex than just "both of you are not happy, the only recourse is divorce." If it were simply a matter of "I wouldn't be able to go on my cruises if we got divorced" then you would have a point. But in the States, their government has made marriage into so much more than a simple institution. Losing your marriage can have beyond-drastic consequences, to the point of some people paying 50% of their salary to each of 3 women... now how are you supposed to make $150,000 alimony payments on a $100,000 salary?
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  #9  
Old 05-17-2010, 11:19 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Actually, I think Red Pepper has a good read on this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cori View Post
What else can I do to help my husband.? I know im still hurting him, but i have to be true to myself.
Well, you could help him by not doing things that hurt him until after you have the financial resources to end the relationship completely, which certainly sounds to me like what needs to happen here.
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  #10  
Old 05-18-2010, 04:50 AM
cori cori is offline
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That could take years really. Life is too short.
I think I will leave this forum and find a divorce/ seperation one.
But then no one there will understand polyamory.
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