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Old 05-16-2010, 03:32 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default ugh...i could really use some help

Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally. My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary. I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way. I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time. And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here. I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…
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Old 05-16-2010, 05:14 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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The thoughts you are dealing with right now can be very scary and it sounds like they're really swallowing you up. Not fun.

You feel like if he spending time with her because he would rather be with her than you. Well, he is spending time with her because he wants to spend time with her. That does not mean he does not want to spend time with you. Since you say you are his primary he is probably spending more time with you than he with his secondary. But she is his secondary, so he does want to see her. Try to take the negative aspect out of all of it and just focus on the positive.

How can you love more than one person at a time? The more I read about how the human brain works when choosing mates the more it's starting to sound like some people are just wired that way. When some people enter into a relationship with another person the part of their brain that is searching for a partner shuts off and they are content to only be with one person. However, there are many people whose brains continue to search for other people, it's not a fault of the person they are with, it's just how they're wired. Also try to look at it from a resources point of view. Love is a renewable resource, there is always more to go around of whatever type. Just because you loved boyfriends in the past does not mean that whatever love you had for them is now used up and unavailable for your current partner. It's the same for him. What is a non-renewable resource is time and so if you feel like you are not getting enough time with him then bring it up and let him know.

It sounds like you're having some negative thoughts about yourself in there too. This is where your partner could be very handy. Talk to him, get him to explain why he chose you as his primary over anyone else. What makes you unique? What is special about your relationship? I bet there will be tons of answers. Also try reading books like The Ethical Slut or Opening Up (I can't remember the authors), they often help.

You said that there is more to this so if this advice was of any use feel free to PM me and talk if you want. Hang in there and I hope things start to look up.
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Old 05-16-2010, 05:27 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Ow. I'm really sorry you're hurting. This is real, you are not at fault for feeling this way, and I strongly doubt that anyone on this board would ignore your pain.

You appear to be monogamous. That's simply a way to be. Monogamy can be so completely part of a person's identity and self-understanding that it is who they are.

Polyamory is also a way some people are. It's not better or more enlightened, it's just a part of some people's identity and self-understanding. Your BF may be poly. Let's assume for the moment that he is.

In that case you have one of the fundamental relationship problems: you're a mono in love with a poly.

I think it is possible to learn to live happily in that situation. But it takes time and work. I do NOT think it is reasonable for you to expect yourself to simply accept his poly nature and move on. Everything in your self-identity is saying NO-NO-NO-NO! and you can't ignore that.

I wish that he recognizes your immediate and real pain and steps up to help you. He's going to have to hold you very close and make your relationship to him his first priority -- he's got to make your emotional self understand how much he needs and values you.

I hope that you can, over time and with care and self-understanding, gradually accept that although you are his center and his pillar, he also needs another love(s) to feel himself whole.

You may never understand completely how that feels -- and you shouldn't ever beat yourself up for not understanding completely. To take a trivial parallel, it would be like someone who loves Mozart not understanding how anyone can obsess over baseball...those are just two different ways of being. But I think it's possible to accept and come to peace with it even if you don't understand at an emotional level.

But. You need to make a choice, and you need to make it clearly and as unemotionally as you can: you will either begin the long process of accepting how he is, or you will tell him that the poly relationship is not possible for you. If you choose to try to accept his polyamory, then he needs to help you right now. If he is unwilling to compromise and help you, that's a red flag.

WARNING: everything I've written is based on one internet post and my very feeble sense of how these things work. It's possible I am very, very wrong about a lot of things! So take it all with a healthy dose of skepticism. You are the only one who really knows because you are the only one who is right there in your shoes!

Good luck! Please write more; I know that there are many people on this board who will sympathize.

----

Addendum: ksandra posted while I was typing. I agree with what she wrote. Her post is very wise about love being a renewable resource, and VERY right about talking to your partner.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 05-16-2010 at 05:35 AM.
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Old 05-16-2010, 12:37 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Quote:
And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here.
Ha, I just used that in a post to someone else. Here's the thing, I hear that this analogy doesn't work for you. For some I imagine it does.

Regardless, I want you to know that I hear your pain, and totally agree with EP and Ksandra. I truly hope that your partner can help you through this.
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Old 05-16-2010, 12:55 PM
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Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
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Communication, communication, communication!! When people ask me what makes this lifestyle work so well for me I tell them that the girls and I have NO secrets whatsoever. When one of them is feeling down about something we have to talk about it. Communication leads to some not so pleasant conversations, but they are necessary ones.

What you are feeling is VERY real and most importantly, OK to feel. as you said, you're not poly so it's tough to understand how that works for those of us that are. That's where talking comes in. Sit with your bf and express your feelings to him. Let him know that you suffer from comparison disease. There were a lot of conversations that were had at the start of this lifestyle where my wife expressed a lot of those concerns. Through talking and letting her know exactly where my head and heart were at she came to understand how it was possible for me to love someone else as much as I loved her and how that didn't diminish our relationship in any way.

Also, this lifestyle is WORK!! No doubt about it, but I think that the works absolutely is worth it once you find a relationship that works best for you and your partner(s). Good luck and please use the resources (other people) here to help you out in your time of need.
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Old 05-16-2010, 01:06 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Yes, that's it, loving someone else doesn't diminish one's love for their primary.

And the reply about using people here to help you out in your time of need is a). a great one and b). evidence of what I appreciate so much about this forum.

No matter what, I hope that your pain diminishes. Hurting is so hard, though I do believe it is part of path(s) for reasons, even if we never know what they are.
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…
I would first use these emotions to find the root cause of the emotions. Regardless of the familial setup, why are you jealous? What makes you feel insecure? Can your husband do anything to help, maybe you need extra time before/after...re-enforcement etc. Figure out where the feeling come from, what can be done to help minimize them and hopefully you can work your way towards finding compersion in your husbands happiness with another woman.

I would definitely pick up the ethical slut and opening up as mentioned above. I would also take some time to read through these forums on jealousy and compersion.

Ksandras post covers mono vs poly wired. You simply have to take heart in the fact that loving more than 1 is possible for some people and accept it within your partner.
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:16 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally.
You would rather be loved unequally? I'm not trying to snark but I am trying to understand.
Quote:
My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary.
Are there things you don't enjoy doing, despise doing, that she does enjoy? Are there things she doesn't like doing that you do?
Quote:
I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way.
One thing that has worked for us in the past is putting a hold on any other relationships while we work on the problems in the main, core, relationship. If necessary put a time limit on the hold, say three months, in which time you really work, and work hard, at resolving the issues you are having.
Quote:
I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time.
My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more.
Quote:
And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here.
I wouldn't dream of it since I don't see it that way.
Quote:
I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…
As someone else said: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! Communication is the cornerstone of ANY successful relationship. If he doesn't know why you are feeling the way you are he can't help you. If he doesn't know you are feeling so lousy he can't help you.

I've told this story before & I'll repeat it here for your, and others, benefit.

Breathes had a fwb arrangement with a very good friend of his. She and I tried to be friends, rather I tried to be friends with her. She seemed to be trying at first but the longer I was in his life the less she would put out there to me. The more the three of us did together the more walls she would put up in order to keep me out. Breathes and I talked about what was happening with her along the way, the good, the bad and the ugly. I told him my feelings about her whether they were good, bad or ambivalent. He knew at every step how I felt about what was going on. The final straw came about 18 months ago. All three of us were at a party together and they had found a relatively quiet corner to be alone for a little while since I was busy with my volunteer shift. I went to find them when I was done to let him know I was free and to see if he needed anything. The look she gave me would have put out a raging fire! The look said "I've got him now. He's mine and you can't have him back!" For the sake of politeness and not wanting to make a spectacle and an ass of myself I opted to not do anything about it at that time. When we got back home I told him what had happened. He was NOT happy but felt I had done the right thing at the time by not playing to her cattiness. As things stand now they are friends without benefits who occasionally have a BDSM play time together & I have as little to do with her as possible without seeming to be avoiding her.

No, poly isn't an easy life but neither is monogamy. Life has it's ups and downs no matter what your lifestyle is. How you deal with these bumps in the road is what defines you as a person. You can choose to live with the pain and hurt or you can choose, as you seem to have done, to deal with them and get to a better place in your life.

Please feel free to PM me if you like. You can also add singlemomcanada on LiveJournal or my Facebook under tj6james6@gmail.com (I also have a blogspot through gmail but rarely use it). (Anyone can add me, really, but FB is mostly family who are unaware of my lifestyle choices.)

Time to sign off and get ready to spend a day NOT in the apartment, lol.

Good luck and I hope you find the solution to your dilemma.
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
....... My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary.
Hi Angel and thanks for stopping in and sharing with all of us !

You've hit on something (above) that's potentially really valuable for you.
It IS a dis-ease (intentional hyphenation). And it will impact your whole life if you allow it. The good news is that you are one step ahead already. You've identified it.
The culture we live in fosters an unnatural desire for competition. We're constantly told that competing for everything is a desirable. Consequently, when for some reason we don't seem to be winning some perceived battle, culture (or ourselves) deems us a failure !

You want to live like that ? Be my guest ! But I suspect not

Because there IS another way - another model. It's one of cooperation. Where we work together to try to make everyone's life a little more pleasant. And in that model competition (except for fun sake) has to go away. We don't want to make comparisons except to celebrate uniqueness. We note various differences and only choose to adopt some changes because they are beneficial to the big picture - not because it changes some "status".

Now that you've discovered that for yourself, you're on the road to fitting it into your thinking and life. You're not "competing" - you're building something better.

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !

GS
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:53 PM
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Rarechild Rarechild is offline
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I had two thoughts while reading your OP:

Not feeling good enough did not start with your current relationship, so look out for ghosts, here.

and

The only way to get the victory over fear is to charge at it and walk right through it. This is usually painful, but will help you find the truth about what you want and don't want in your life. I am sure you don't want to live with fear, so address it with yourself and those you love, and trust yourself when the answers come, even if they are unexpected.
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