It's all so new

[Morgan]

Hi everyone. My wife is in a relationship with another guy. I've always considered myself very liberal and free-thinking about sex & relationships, but I'm wrestling with this. It might have started more smoothly if my wife had been honest -- she brought up "seeing other people" after the relationship began. I had suspicions, snooped her Facebook, and here we are.

I'm not devastated, and I'm trying to be positive and let her enjoy her fling. But I do have days when I'm angry and hurt. Of course, I also now have a free coupon for a fling of my own; how I'll find time to redeem it in my average-guy/kids/work/other work life, I have no idea, or how to even begin.

I will say all this has sparked some renewed sexual excitement for us. I've always been a pornhead and nagged her, gently, about threeways and swinging and whatnot. She's never liked the idea, I accepted that without resentment, and she knew I did. Now, along with the "other people" business, she told me to make arrangements to visit an on-premises swing club and wants to give me that threeway after all -- and she seems genuinely into these things. That is, I don't get the feeling she's trying to placate me so I won't be upset about her affair. In any case, there's been some hot sex lately.

It doesn't help that from the very tiny bit I know about her lover (I'm trying to resist asking, mainly to avoid ruining her fun), I don't think very highly of him. We've never met. Also, he lives in another time zone, so she's not likely to see him often.

And actually, the physical part of their affair hasn't happened yet. They met on a retreat and I guess hit it off; the relationship unfolded in FB messages. There's another retreat coming up in October, where they plan to fuck.

Oh, by the way, another reason I'm mad: in those FB messages he said -- in all caps, with exclamation points -- that they plan to fuck bareback. It took four agonzing days before I could get my wife to commit to a condom anytime she has intercourse with anyone but me. Apparently in her new circle of friends, bareback sex is celebrated. If she hadn't promised, I was prepared to end our marriage and break up the family.

Tomorrow morning is the one week anniversary of the day I saw she had neglected to log out of Facebook and snooped to see if I was right. So, it's been a busy week. Thanks for listening!

[NovemberRain]

Welcome to the forum, Morgan.

Sounds like a perfectly hard start, into poly. I find it incredibly generous of you to attempt to work with it.

You might want to think about wearing condoms yourself; I hate to say it, but if she's already lied, why wouldn't she lie about condoms. [also, what kind of idiot circles celebrate bareback with untested people?] Good for you for minding your own health. There are several threads here about sexual health, and bareback, and what not.

wishing you lots of luck (and can see that you will make some of your own)

[Morgan]

November, I suppose I should clarify, they weren't insisting on bareback with untested people; she said he agreed to be tested. I've always thought testing doesn't equal safe sex, but maybe I'm behind the times. Then again, never mind STDs -- she's not on the pill!

[opalescent]

Testing is kind of the first step towards safer sex. Sort of a 'know before you go' thing. Then there is the birth control conversations, fluid bonding discussions (if wanted), and conversations about barriers, and specific sex acts (i.e. use condoms or other barriers for all sex, not just PIV but oral, anal, etc.), discuss the risks of how different infections are passed, the level of risk you want to take, the level of risk she wants to take, the level of risk you will tolerate in potential partners and so on.

Now's the time to research, don't get too freaked out (it's probably different than the last time you and she were on the market), and talk a lot explicitly about this stuff. Save yourselves some pain and worry along the way.

I have found the American Social Health Association very helpful - http://www.ashastd.org/. The San Francisco city clinic - http://www.sfcityclinic.org/ - has lots of information organized so that you can read and absorb it quickly.

[Morgan]

Opalescent, I'm afraid pain and worry already abounds, but thank you for this excellent info. By the way... and I'm starting to feel guilty doing all this on the Introductions board, maybe should move to another?... anybody have a condom they find really nice, for both partners?

[dingedheart]

I hate to throw cold water on this but I see a couple of red flags. She started having an affair ( cheating ) hinted at or pushed for opening marriage. Flag.


Then after the facts are known (cheating ) .... an email is discovered emphasizing the plan for bare back sex. Flag ...half flag depending.


It took 4 days for her commit to not doing that ......REALLY. HUGE FLAG.
Super big Flag. I dont know whats been going on in your marriage for the past 22 yrs but that would seem be a big violation of trust and the on top of that to push that violation of trust into your health seems CRAZY. Wildly short sighted.

I wouldn't be to sure about being placated....however the new guy might be into it and he's shared his personal views and stories and that's changed her mind.

I'd say don't get steamrolled....if something doesn't feel right ...say no. Time out.

You might want to meet and look this bare back guy in the eye to see if you want to take that risk. I'd say you need lots of trust rebuilding behavior before agreeing to anything.

Good luck

[snowmelt]

Talking about things before they happen is always the best. Both of you need to talk about boundaries (condoms, etc). The sooner the better.

Originally Posted by Morgan

(I'm trying to resist asking, mainly to avoid ruining her fun)

Why would asking ruin her fun? Communication is critical. You need to be able to talk to her openly and honestly. She needs to welcome your questions and give you honest answers. Does she have a history of lying?

[Morgan]

November, yes, she was dishonest in this case, but I'm with her 22 years and I really do think she's a more honest person than most people, including me. And yes, while you were too kind to point it out, if I hadn't read her private messages, I may never have known she had unprotected sex. We've already agreed that she'll be tested after their encounter. I'm going to trust her. I'm chalking it up to a massively poor judgment by a person who's normally pretty astute. We all make mistakes. As for this circle... sigh. I don't quite know what to make. Actually, it may just be this guy, or mostly him.

Snowmelt, I don't feel like I'm being stonewalled for information. Anything I've asked, she's answered, and wasn't grumpy about it. I have questions and eventually I will ask them.

Thank you both for replying!

[Avatar]

Welcome, Morgan.

[kdt26417]

Hi Morgan,
Just wanted to add my welcome to the forum.

There is such a thing as hard rules, and safer sex practices is probably part of that. However, some things are just things that need to be talked about. Don't be too shy about discussing your worries and concerns with her, just try to always discuss things in a loving and compassionate manner. It seems like you are good about putting yourself in her shoes.

Perhaps she is going into her own sort of mid-life crisis, and it is prompting her to act in ways that aren't characteristic of her (such as the dishonesty). Don't be mad at her, but be firm about your boundaries.

You are definitely traveling into the non-monogamy realms, of which polyamory is a part. Sometimes the definitions between words are blurred, so don't worry about whether you "fit in perfectly." You will find a lot of support and good advice here.

Hope things will go well, and keep us posted on things,
With regards,
Kevin T.