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Old 08-30-2012, 03:21 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Okay - so apparently my husband has instituted a OPP - is this fair? At first I was okay with this arrangement but now that I see that he has no problems with other women and I have no problems with other women - why can't I have another guy then?

My hubs is very jealous - very double standard. I once brought it up about maybe having a boy friend and he said if I did that - that we would get divorced. Now here is my thing - he is the one who is poly - and over the years I have adjusted and accepted this as a lifestyle I want...but I haven't left him or divorced him when he makes love to another woman - why this double standard.

I am wondering if he in fact does not understand what Poly is....and maybe this is him just getting what he wants...which is not fair to me. Now all that being said - I am perfectly comfortable having a GF and have not even talked to another man - but what if I want to?

Any other OPP people out there?
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Old 08-30-2012, 03:44 PM
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I'm a little behind on some terminology. What does OPP stand for?
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  #3  
Old 08-30-2012, 03:54 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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One Penis Policy
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:08 PM
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Ah. I suppose if it started out with just both of you able to get other girls, then it makes sense if he is slow to warm up to the idea of you with another man, but it doesn't really make sense if he isn't willing to consider it at all and bars it forever.

I think that you probably picked a good time to start talking about it, when you don't have another male on the wings waiting to see if it is okay or not that is putting pressure on you to put pressure on your husband. If it is something you feel that you might want as an egalitarian part of your relationship, it is a good idea to start hashing it out before it becomes immanent and while you can give him a little bit of time to mull it over after letting him know it is really something you want.

Ultimately only you can decide what you are comfortable with, but if you are uncomfortable with a double standard, be prepared to have some headbutting and maybe even some counseling in your future if he has never had to challenge or work on his own jealousy issues regarding other males. It is something you want to probably approach delicately, but firmly and let him know it is something you expect him to seriously consider rather than just dismissing it out of hand or jumping to divorce as the first option.
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:24 PM
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I have been finding it difficult for me to communicate with my spouse. He has it in his head that he only wants to include another female. The last one we got involved with was straight - hence my thinking perhaps I should be allowed to have a "friend" of my own since he obviously didn't stick to the "rules" he himself created. He said he wanted me and a bi girl for us to form a triad of a family. However it didn't seem to mind that the girl we had had a relationship was not bi - and I was left being rejected by her and I felt also betrayed by him for not protecting me.

I guess with this poly life style I am realizing that there are many different forms of relationships....and there will always be some form of jealousy - and I have had to deal with it - I feel that he should learn to deal with it as well if i wanted to have another man in my life.

I guess I am just venting here really - trying to figure out what is "right" and what is "wrong"....
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:29 PM
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It does seem like he violated the agreements you made in the first place. If him having another partner makes it feel unfair to you if you aren't able to have one, then it seems like something that needs to be brought up. You are obviously not in a triad right now, you are in a V. Perhaps this is something you need to revisit with him. Remind him of what you agreed to in the first place and mention that you are not comfortable with him having a woman outside of your relationship that isn't involved with both of you if you aren't also able to have relationships uninvolved with him, be they male or female.

It IS a double standard and if that isn't something you are comfortable with, you shouldn't have to fall in line with it just because he is a little uncomfortable. Some people like having mono/poly combinations, but it doesn't seem like something you really want to do. He wants to have fun and make you do all the personal work to be comfortable with what he is doing, but he doesn't want to do any personal work himself and is restricting you and your potential relationships because of it. It isn't balanced and it isn't fair.
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:32 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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No, of course a one penis policy is not fair. It is quite juvenile and inconsiderate.

The language you used in your post, that your husband instituted the policy and you went along with it, sounds like he's the boss of you. Where is the partnership, negotiation among equals? Are you his underling just meant to obey him or his spouse and partner who stands at his side with your own say in all matters? Take a stance and renegotiate, but do not kowtow to his falsely assumed position of authority over you. If he wants a divorce because you want to stand up for yourself, hell, maybe you'd be better off. Remember, YOU are the boss of you. You've been acquiescing to what he wants, but what about your own wants, needs, desires, voice, autonomy? Where did you go?

Sheesh, what crap women will put up with!
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-30-2012 at 04:35 PM.
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Old 09-02-2012, 02:58 AM
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I'm wondering how long it's been since you opened your marriage. I'm also wondering if he's doing any work at looking into why he's insecure about other men being involved with you. These things can take time and work but he has to be willing to do the self reflection to figure out what is going on for him so that he can move past it. It's a pretty common place for people new to poly to start as it feels safe. The thing is you're not happy with the structure. If he's not willing to do the work then no amount of resoning is going to change his mind.

I also have to agree with other posters that he has absolutely no say in whether he becomes sexually involved with any partners you happen to have. If there's an attraction there, great, then you can all be involved together. If not, just because she's dating you doesn't give him any right to her body. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me and there's no way I would get involved with someone with whom the spouse was a package deal.
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Old 09-02-2012, 04:24 AM
sundevil sundevil is offline
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This always seems to be some guys' biggest hangup. They love the idea of opening their relationships, and visions of threesomes with another woman dance in their heads. And then the woman has to ruin it all by suggesting she might actually prefer a male playmate/partner.

We could speculate for pages on the sociological/psychological reasons why another penis poses such a threat for these men, but the point is such an attitude is rather shortsighted, and not particularly considerate of their female partners, who they are expecting not to have the same hangups about another vagina in their bed.

Personal: I was the one who went to my wife several years ago about the possibility of opening our marriage, because I'd found myself attracted to a polyamorous friend of ours and wanted to explore something more with her. In doing so, I didn't have to assume with my headstrong, bisexual wife - if she consented to it, it meant by default that I accepted her exploring the possibility of relationships with other people. And I accepted that that might well include someone who owned a penis. It wasn't a question of being "more evolved" or enlightened - just seemed like common sense.

After all, I would have laughed like a hyena had she come to me asking to open our marriage so she could date a guy, and I was free to date others too, so long as they weren't female.

Last edited by sundevil; 09-02-2012 at 04:29 AM.
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  #10  
Old 09-04-2012, 02:04 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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I am slowly realizing that this whole lifestyle was his way of living out his fantasies... Personally I hadn't thought about this life style at all when we first got together. But then after seeing what could happen and having someone else in my life I realized - hey this is pretty amazing!!

I think that he doesn't really understand that this is a partnership - it is almost to the point where regardless of what I do/say I lose. If I say I want to see another man - he will say divorce --- if i say fine then let's close up our marriage - he will continue to badger me about having another woman.

Quite the learning experience for me here lately. I greatly appreciate everyone's input! It makes me feel less "selfish" "crazy" "alone" xo
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