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Old 08-29-2012, 02:34 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Default When your sexual tastes are different

My husband and I have hit another wall in our relationship.. Actually it is the same wall we keep running our heads into. Bear with me this may be a bit long.

I have been with my husband D for 11 years. He told me way back then that he is kinky and his tastes. I told him from very early on in our relationship his BDSM desires made me very uncomfortable. I have a high sexual drive but my tastes are more vanilla. He is into being dominated/humiliated/flogged the whole nine yards. I told him I am sorry can't do it and set him free.

HE decided to that he wanted to be with me. But unfortunately his desires keep coming back. I do not blame him one bit. He is who is he is. But I am who I am. Trying to fulfilled his needs makes be feel dirty, disgusting, objectified. I have tried meeting him part way and indulging in his foot fetish stuff but he is always pushing for more. I have told him to go find a play partner I just can't do this.

The problem he wont.... He is mono. He said he would be open to finding someone to play with but I have to find her for him. WTH I am not his pimp and that so is not happening. I have tried to get him to get out into the local scene he won't go without me. I am not comfortable with attending their local Munch. I am the poly one and he suggested opening up to me finding someone who makes me happy. I was not seeking an second relationship out of respect for my husband and I's relationship. I didn't get involved with anyone for well over a year after opening up our marriage. Unfortunately apparently he did so for selfish reasons. I am more likely to cave a bit when I am really happy and play a bit further. The problem is it always leaves me feeling disgusted and used.

I love my husband and I want him to be happy. He deserves to have his desires met. He is more than welcome to find someone else to fulfill those desires, but he wont. So I feel guilty. I do not want him to have a miserable life and I feel horrible but I just can't go there. I am about ready to set him free (divorce) even though he says it is not an option.

Today is the first time all 3 of our kids are out of the house at school leaving my husband and I home alone. I had planned on a little foot play to make my husband happy. As we are getting ready to get started he comes down stairs with his whole bag of toys. That just killed the whole mood for me.. I am a person who prefers to operate on spontaneity. When you try and push I balk. I freaked out and shut down.

I have found happiness with my boyfriend M. His tastes match my own. He actually is my peace and support through this whole mess. The first thing I wanted to do when my husband pushed me beyond my comfort zone today is run to M. Who is my rock. Now I feel like a jerk.

I just do not know what to do.... I am tired and exhausted.

Last edited by Dagferi; 08-29-2012 at 02:38 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-29-2012, 05:09 PM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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stay strong. From what you have written it sounds as if you are trying your best. your husband also sounds like he is putting an effort into things. it seems that he can get a little to into it (big bag of toys lol)

Both of you have the drive to make this work. you've got the love, time, and ground work for a beautiful poly/kinky/married/open life together. you've just gotta work on it.

find out how you can make him more comfy going out alone to the munches or even finding a part time play partner online. he clearly loves you but as you siad, he needs to have his needs met too. you have found a great friend in M.

do the three of you hang out together???

maybe M can talk to him about it since he is on the outside of things. M could also take him out so your hubby won't feel alone when looking for new kinky people.

i understand having different sexual and emotional needs. been there a million times. still working on it now. having someone to talk to and understand is always a good thing. i'm glad you have M. maybe you can talk the hubby into a double date. you and M and hubby and ***insert random kinky girl name here***
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  #3  
Old 08-31-2012, 11:51 AM
Becca Becca is offline
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I'm speaking as someone for whom BDSM is a regular part of my life, and has been for a while.

Please please please be mindful of your boundaries! If you don't want to do something kinky, then don't. Kink is about playing around with some of the darker, twisty, turny parts of your brain, and if it's not something that pleases you, you run the risk of feeling really messed up about it. This is not a place to compromise.

His idea about you finding someone for him-- that itself is pushing you into a kinky fantasy scene. It's pushing you to participate (giving him away to another dominant). And that rejection of your boundaries feels rude.

It sounds like he not only fails to see that you are being incredibly supportive of his kink, but he's blowing any chance of creating a safe space for you-- if there is any tiny little bit of something kinky that might appeal to you, you're not going to feel safe to explore that with him, because he's so pushy!
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
have been with my husband D for 11 years. He told me way back then that he is kinky and his tastes. I told him from very early on in our relationship his BDSM desires made me very uncomfortable. I have a high sexual drive but my tastes are more vanilla. He is into being dominated/humiliated/flogged the whole nine yards. I told him I am sorry can't do it and set him free.

HE decided to that he wanted to be with me. But unfortunately his desires keep coming back. I do not blame him one bit. He is who is he is. But I am who I am. Trying to fulfilled his needs makes be feel dirty, disgusting, objectified. I have tried meeting him part way and indulging in his foot fetish stuff but he is always pushing for more. I have told him to go find a play partner I just can't do this.

The problem he wont.... He is mono. He said he would be open to finding someone to play with but I have to find her for him. WTH I am not his pimp and that so is not happening. I have tried to get him to get out into the local scene he won't go without me. I am not comfortable with attending their local Munch. I am the poly one and he suggested opening up to me finding someone who makes me happy. I was not seeking an second relationship out of respect for my husband and I's relationship. I didn't get involved with anyone for well over a year after opening up our marriage. Unfortunately apparently he did so for selfish reasons. I am more likely to cave a bit when I am really happy and play a bit further. The problem is it always leaves me feeling disgusted and used.

I love my husband and I want him to be happy. He deserves to have his desires met. He is more than welcome to find someone else to fulfill those desires, but he wont. So I feel guilty. I do not want him to have a miserable life and I feel horrible but I just can't go there. I am about ready to set him free (divorce) even though he says it is not an option.

Today is the first time all 3 of our kids are out of the house at school leaving my husband and I home alone. I had planned on a little foot play to make my husband happy. As we are getting ready to get started he comes down stairs with his whole bag of toys. That just killed the whole mood for me.. I am a person who prefers to operate on spontaneity. When you try and push I balk. I freaked out and shut down.
You've been clear. You can't fulfill his kinks. It makes you ill and unhappy and uncomfortable. He married you anyway. You are not his pimp to find someone to beat him nor his momma to find him a playmate. Not your job! He has needs you cannot address. You have clearly given him permission to go get those needs met elsewhere. I know lots of folks who are monogamous but do BDSM play with people not their spouse. They won't do sexual BDSM scenes with others. Non-sexual play is common and accepted in BDSM communities. It is entirely possible to be mono and do kink with people other than one's partner.

It is his responsibility to get his needs met. Not yours not anyone else's. He needs to get involved in his local kink community - go to a munch, meet some folks in a vanilla setting. Without you! And lots of kinksters have vanilla partners - he will not be unusual at all.

He can also pay a pro domme. No they are not cheap but worth every penny if it made him happy and took the pressure off you. He can find one with a minimum of research.

He is so freakin' ahead of the curve! Does he realize that? A supportive vanilla spouse who acknowledges his kinks and wants him to be happy is rare! He should be kissing your feet!

Tell him he is responsible for meeting his needs not you. You are not playing that game any more. No more indulging him. He's a grown man not a child. He is to take charge of finding and participating with other kinksters. It's time to man up.

If he refuses, then tell him divorce is your other option. Yes harsh. But not taking care of one's needs and expecting you to do all the work of making him happy is not indicative of a healthy grown up marriage.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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^ What Opalescent said.
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:49 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Yup.

You are speaking up and stating you wants, needs, and limits pretty clear there. He has options to exercise and you are being very understanding and generous.

But trying to MAKE YOU do what HE wants you to do AGAINST your own wishes? That's controlling/abusive land, dude.

He needs to own that and chill out, or it's divorce time. You can't live like that with chronic pressuring and ugh making.


GG
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Old 09-01-2012, 02:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Tell him he is responsible for meeting his needs not you. You are not playing that game any more. No more indulging him. He's a grown man not a child. He is to take charge of finding and participating with other kinksters. It's time to man up.

If he refuses, then tell him divorce is your other option. Yes harsh. But not taking care of one's needs and expecting you to do all the work of making him happy is not indicative of a healthy grown up marriage.
This. It's his responsibility and nobody else's.
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:50 PM
GAKitten GAKitten is offline
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His behavior is what we call topping from the bottom.


He is being manipulative which is not a desirible "sub trait" it is even more so not a good poly trait.


I would put my foot down and state it as clearly as i can.
NO I am not mono..you choose to be.
NO I am not into BDSM...you are...your choosing to force it upon me.


you are not responsible for his happiness. He is. You are not reasonsible for his needs beng meet ( in realation to BDSM) he is. He is choosing to be mono which means this is his choice to deny his own needs. Don't allow yourself to give in or feel guilty.


If he can not respect you as a person then he has given you no other option, but to leave and divorce him.
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:33 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
He said he would be open to finding someone to play with but I have to find her for him.

I am just curious - does he mean that he will play with somebody if you find them for him, and if you do not find somebody for him your relationship will end or he will keep try to coerce you into being kinky when you seem quite clear about your boundaries?

What is his plan if you do not "procure" a sex toy for him? I am wondering if he is afraid of rejection, and in need for some counseling on his self esteem. Perhaps he assumes he cant find somebody himself. He doesn't know how to approach them and he sees you as easily being able to connect with people so more likely to be able to find this magical person (just a random wondering, no strong feeling that is how he feels)

I am wondering does he have a past of successful BDSM relationships before he met you? Or was it a want that maybe he dabbled in now and again but he never found somebody to actually be deeply involved with, and comfortable with in those things. I'd imagine if its the latter that he is more scared than he can admit of trying things with somebody new, as he is so comfortable with you he's really focusing on doing it with the person he knows and trusts most, so its letting him avoid facing just how uncomfortable you are about it.
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Old 08-31-2012, 09:40 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I am just curious - does he mean that he will play with somebody if you find them for him, and if you do not find somebody for him your relationship will end or he will keep try to coerce you into being kinky when you seem quite clear about your boundaries?

What is his plan if you do not "procure" a sex toy for him? I am wondering if he is afraid of rejection, and in need for some counseling on his self esteem. Perhaps he assumes he cant find somebody himself. He doesn't know how to approach them and he sees you as easily being able to connect with people so more likely to be able to find this magical person (just a random wondering, no strong feeling that is how he feels)

I am wondering does he have a past of successful BDSM relationships before he met you? Or was it a want that maybe he dabbled in now and again but he never found somebody to actually be deeply involved with, and comfortable with in those things. I'd imagine if its the latter that he is more scared than he can admit of trying things with somebody new, as he is so comfortable with you he's really focusing on doing it with the person he knows and trusts most, so its letting him avoid facing just how uncomfortable you are about it.
Sorry was busy with work and spent the night at M's house last night so it took me a bit to get back on line.

No my husband never threatens to end the marriage or etc. He is uncomfortable seeking partners on his own. He would rather play with me to be honest I just can not do it.

In social situations together he is the out going one. I do not get it. I am a strong INTJ personality. I love fiercely have a small close group of friends> Hubby is the social butterfly usually.

I don't think that he has had a successful long term BDSM partner just dabbled in it.
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