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Old 07-15-2009, 12:57 AM
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Default Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Being new to the Poly lifestyle and ideas, although they seem to be coming rather naturally to me, I was curious how everyone deals with and achieves compersion, besides communication that is. Communication is the cornerstone in all relationships but even more so in poly and open relationships. But sometimes you can talk to a person until they are blue in the face and they have yet to understand what you are saying and meaning.

So how do you or your S.O.'s achieve compersion?

*I hope this makes sense*
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Old 07-15-2009, 04:31 AM
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For me personally, I didn't have to "achieve" compersion.... it just IS for me. Compersion actually comes as easily to me as breathing.
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:39 AM
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I feel Alot like Alli.. It comes naturally. I love the fact that those I love and desire also love and desire each other. I feel a complete forfilment.
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Old 07-15-2009, 05:44 AM
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Thanks for the replies.

Ok, let me add on... I know that for some it comes naturally. I feel for me it might although it hasn't come up yet. But how about those who it doesn't come naturally for? Say the S.O. who agrees to open their relationship up but not partake in the "openness". They need to "find" compersion and although we'd love to believe that it comes as easily as "I want you to be happy" would, it probably doesn't.

So was it just as easy for your partner(s) to feel compersion? For the non-poly side of a poly relation, does it just "come naturally" or did you have to work on it and if so, anything in particular that helped you/them?
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Old 07-15-2009, 03:30 PM
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What's compersion, please?
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Old 07-15-2009, 08:06 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Compersion is not an issue for me. Earlier in life it may have been, but at this stage whatever pleases my spouse is fine with me. But then again, I'm more easily the poly one in the house! My mono wife was unaware of the word and it's meaning til I recently gave her info on it. A book is also on the way to her, too!

To strictly trained, society molded monogomists, tight control over one's spouse is very ingrained. My wife has always given me the freedom in our life together, to make decisions, undertake challenges, travel extensively and live freely, within the confines of our marriage (monogomy), knowing she was completely secure in her place. Going poly however, has really challenged her. I am hopeful that as we discuss the topic of compersion (living with my other love in this "V" with her secure) that she will be able to experience this 3 way love in the same way, that she has with other topics at other times in our marriage. She really wants me to be happy. I want to be happy. Our 3rd loves seeing both of us happy and we complete her life. It should be a "win-win-win" for everybody. I hope so.
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Old 07-15-2009, 08:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
What's compersion, please?
According to http://www.lovemore.com/terms.html

Compersion n 1: taking joy or pleasure in someone elseís joy, pleasure or happiness 2: feeling joy in the joy that others you love share among themselves, especially taking joy in the knowledge that your beloveds are expressing their love for one another, the term was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco which practiced Polyfidelity, Kerista disbanded in the early 1990's.
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Old 07-16-2009, 07:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
I feel for me it might although it hasn't come up yet. But how about those who it doesn't come naturally for? Say the S.O. who agrees to open their relationship up but not partake in the "openness". They need to "find" compersion and although we'd love to believe that it comes as easily as "I want you to be happy" would, it probably doesn't.

So was it just as easy for your partner(s) to feel compersion? For the non-poly side of a poly relation, does it just "come naturally" or did you have to work on it and if so, anything in particular that helped you/them?
I hate to say it it but I suck at compersion when it comes to my husband and the others he has had. They are never good enough for me and I often feel very certain that he needs no one else but me, so why is he looking. His success has not been good when it comes to women that are actually capable and willing to love him as much as he expects and he often ends up hurt and disillusioned. Perhaps this has something to do with my hesitancy to be happy for him?

Maybe I am not very good at not being jealous? In fact this fits better for me. Jealousy indicates that there is something a miss in my life and I need to get in touch with what that might be fast before I go crazy.

My husband is incredible with his compersion. He has put up with so much in me. I am somewhat of a free spirit and have had many adventures that other men would simply not put up with... he has struggled but has always known that the freedom he gives me keeps me loving him and staying in our relationship. In being happy that I am living my life to the fullest he is gaining his own happiness and living his life to the fullest as I am able to offer him what he needs.
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Old 07-16-2009, 06:49 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Redpepper, it sounds like you're a little protective of your hubby and his feelings! I get the message my wife is worried about me being hurt, too, should things ever go south with my other life-love. It's wonderful that we have such loving concerned spouses. We are indeed lucky. Am surprised to hear yourself be so critical of your own compersion abilities though. I bet you really are better at it than you think.
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Old 03-16-2010, 12:07 PM
Peachtaboo Peachtaboo is offline
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Default Compersion and how it is derived

Iím wondering about the definition of compersion. I understand the basic concept of Ďjoy and pleasure derived from your partnerís joy and pleasureí. What Iím wondering is how the joy and pleasure is derived, i.e. visually and in person, during an encounter between your partner and their other partner OR more through the mood and actions of your partner after they have an encounter with their other partner? Typing this out seems like it could certainly be both, or just one or the other. I suppose one could also differentiate between the joy derived from love and the joy derived from sex. Sometimes, these two would be highly related, other times perhaps not so much. Iím just wondering what is the typical, if there is such a thing.

Why Iím asking: Very new to a number of things including opening up a very long term, very stable, primary MF relationship. Early on in the journey, my partner indicated it was fine for me to explore my desire to be with women. He adores me and is truly dedicated to ensuring my happiness. Currently this extends to actually being present during any sexual intimacy between me and additional partners.

To those who donít know us, and assume we are a traditional couple, this may seem as though he is just lurking for a cheap thrill. However, because I know him so well, I have no issue with this at all, I know he just wants to see me happy. I suppose his presence may turn some people off and prevent me from being intimate with someone I desire, although this hasnít occurred yet. It is also very early in our exploration and journey and we both realize our desire and needs may, and most likely will, change.

So there is currently no issue to solve, Iím just curious as to how the term compersion is used and how others feel about primary partners being present during sexual intimacy, not things like lunch dates or movie dates, etc.
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