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Old 08-29-2012, 06:17 AM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
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Default Married for a long time, starting to be poly

I have been with my wife for 14 years. This is my third marriage (I'm 51) and I have struggled with monogamy for all of my life. I have cheated at times, but never had any sort of long term affair. I would always feel terribly guilty about cheating. I have spent years in 12-step programs to try and address this as a sexual compulsion (and I do know I'm compulsive about some sexual things).

About 6 months ago I started talking with someone across the country and have fallen in love with her. I have been open about this with my wife. We have not yet met in person. It recently became clear to me that I'm simply a non-monogamous person. I love to be with others, to flirt and play with them, and also to establish loving relationships and connections. When I realized this about myself it was a great relief. I have been very open with my wife about all of this. I have read most of The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, and Sex at Dawn. I really resonated with The Ethical Slut, it's who I am.

My wife has been really trying to accept this. Part of my problem is my across the country lover is also in love with me, but essentially wants me full time, and looking into the future she has a hard time seeing how things can work for her in the long term. My wife seems to be willing to share me on some limited basis, which I would be fine with. My lover and I are supposed to meet soon, and there is much drama (mainly about me being sad at the possibility of losing my lover) which my wife (understandably) not happy about. I really love my wife and don't want to leave her or my family (we have two small girls).

The situation is very difficult right now, one thing I'm very committed to is being very open and honest with everyone concerned. I look forward to talking with the folks here about some of these issues.

Thanks for reading!

Last edited by tallOakland; 08-29-2012 at 05:04 PM.
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  #2  
Old 08-29-2012, 02:43 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Default It's hard

I am married as well - my husband brought into our relationship a straight female - i am bi - and was rejected by her.

It is difficult to see your spouse being pleased emotionally intellectually sexually by someone else - it is painful to stand by and often feel like am I not good enough?

But I became accepting of this relationship though it ultimately ended because there was so much drama and too much competition. Perhaps you should give your wife time and sit down with her to see what she is comfortable with?

It is very difficult for a wife who is mono trained to try to live the poly life - as I know from experience.

Good Luck to you friend! I wish you nothing but happiness and love!
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  #3  
Old 08-29-2012, 03:00 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
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Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
It is difficult to see your spouse being pleased emotionally intellectually sexually by someone else - it is painful to stand by and often feel like am I not good enough?
Thank you so much for this, I have been very open with my wife about everything and every step of the way. I feel a lot of love for her as I do for my lover. And I think that part of the issue is that she does not feel like she's good enough, which is something I really want to try and help her with (if I can), or something that I hope she is able to get over. I have been with her for 14 years and still completely love her.

I also would love her to be with other men sexually. I find this a turn on, and can even imagine her having a regular lover that she feels emotionally connected with.

I don't know where this will end, but I have to say I have been very encouraged by reading just the little that I have on this forum.

Last edited by tallOakland; 08-29-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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Old 08-29-2012, 03:24 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Default married

Perhaps if you give your wife some additional attention she may come around? Also, have your lover and wife met? Do you think they could be friends? Maybe if the two of them forge a bond or friendship this may put your wives' mind at ease. I know it seems strange - but I am in your wives situation now and only trying to perhaps give you some insight into how she may be feeling.

Good Luck to the 3 of you. I hope that you can find balance with your wife and lover.
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  #5  
Old 08-29-2012, 04:18 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
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Originally Posted by newbie1 View Post
Perhaps if you give your wife some additional attention she may come around? Also, have your lover and wife met? Do you think they could be friends? Maybe if the two of them forge a bond or friendship this may put your wives' mind at ease. I know it seems strange - but I am in your wives situation now and only trying to perhaps give you some insight into how she may be feeling.

Good Luck to the 3 of you. I hope that you can find balance with your wife and lover.
I have been giving her more attention, part of the problem is the uncertainty on the part of my lover which is hard for me, and of course I get depressed and this is hard for my wife to watch. I would like them to become friends, but it seems difficult for that to happen. It's likely we will meet in the next month or so, but at a location that's remote, so it's hard to see my wife and lover meeting.
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Old 08-29-2012, 04:22 PM
newbie1 newbie1 is offline
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Default Natural

It sounds like you have a lot of pressure on you - being more or less in the middle of this triangle. I do hope that you can make this work - and I feel it is extremely important that both women get along at some point - this would make it a lot easier for you as well as them. This way you are not caught in the middle of any jealousy, insecurity etc all the time.

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Old 08-29-2012, 09:17 PM
Skye Skye is offline
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Just trying to throw some "what ifs" out there, so I am just prefacing my post by letting you know I am not trying to be intentionally negative.

You have never met your online love. What if you meet and the chemistry in person isn't what it is online? Can I ask if meeting someone online was intentional, or was it a chance meeting - like you were playing online games together and got to talking? If it was intentional, is there a reason you chose to talk to someone that lives so far away?

Also, if things are as great in person as they are online, what are you going to do about it in the long term? Does she want to move here? Do you and your wife want to move there?

Sometimes it is hard to see past the NRE into the realities of the future. It sounds like your wife is more supportive of you being poly than your girlfriend is. I am assuming you didn't meet her in a poly fashion....?

I completely agree with Musical that your women becoming friends can make things MUCH easier. Maybe your wife can also speak to her online before you meet in person?
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:08 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
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Originally Posted by Skye View Post
Just trying to throw some "what ifs" out there, so I am just prefacing my post by letting you know I am not trying to be intentionally negative.

You have never met your online love. What if you meet and the chemistry in person isn't what it is online? Can I ask if meeting someone online was intentional, or was it a chance meeting - like you were playing online games together and got to talking? If it was intentional, is there a reason you chose to talk to someone that lives so far away?

Also, if things are as great in person as they are online, what are you going to do about it in the long term? Does she want to move here? Do you and your wife want to move there?

Sometimes it is hard to see past the NRE into the realities of the future. It sounds like your wife is more supportive of you being poly than your girlfriend is. I am assuming you didn't meet her in a poly fashion....?

I completely agree with Musical that your women becoming friends can make things MUCH easier. Maybe your wife can also speak to her online before you meet in person?
Your questions are useful and relevant. I have had (negative) experiences with long distance relationships before and never intended to have one again.

We met at some online place and I was not looking for a relationship at all (I did not even acknowledge that I was poly at that time -- I thought I was mono but struggled with urges).

The meeting just happened. And you are right, there is the obvious possibility that one or both of us will not like each other in person. It's so much different than online. I have been there. And of course if that happens then the solution is pretty simple. It does not change the fact that I'm poly.

We have had very extensive conversations about the future, all of us, and especially my lover, and it seems to my lover that all possible outcomes are bad. But my lover is by nature more pessimistic than I am and I think that maybe we can find some way to make it work, either at a distance or by perhaps moving there. If there is a move, it's likely that my family would have to move (her kids are much older and established in their very small community, our kids are very young yet).

And we have tried many times to stop talking and so far have not been able to, so I feel we should meet and try to play this thing out.

I have learned from long experience that it's very difficult to predict and plan for the distant future, especially in the absence of data. Of course questions like the ones you ask need to be considered carefully.
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:14 PM
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MusicalRose MusicalRose is offline
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Do you think that your wife would be willing to pick up and move across the country for a relationship with a woman that may or may not work out?

I am also not trying to be pessimistic, but it really doesn't look like the cards are falling in your favor for this particular relationship. Your lover doesn't seem to be willing to explore any options optimistically, and the only solutions seem to be drastic and something that would require a long time and a lot of planning.

All of this is for someone you haven't even met in person yet. It isn't impossible, but it really looks improbable that this is going to work out in any kind of easy way and it may not work at all.
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Old 08-29-2012, 10:18 PM
tallOakland tallOakland is offline
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Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
Do you think that your wife would be willing to pick up and move across the country for a relationship with a woman that may or may not work out?

I am also not trying to be pessimistic, but it really doesn't look like the cards are falling in your favor for this particular relationship. Your lover doesn't seem to be willing to explore any options optimistically, and the only solutions seem to be drastic and something that would require a long time and a lot of planning.

All of this is for someone you haven't even met in person yet. It isn't impossible, but it really looks improbable that this is going to work out in any kind of easy way and it may not work at all.
Yes, you could be right. We have both considered the option of stopping many times, and it's very difficult for us to do so. I agree the odds are long, but I think the best path forward is to see what happens. And I'm further not sure that she is not willing to explore options optimistically. Things can change.
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