Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-01-2010, 11:56 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Default inlovewith2's Blog (fka "Some obstacles we are experiencing")

So, last night, dh was out having dinner and drinks with a local poly vee group. We agreed that it made sense for my bf to come over with the understanding that we didn't have sex in our house.

Enter my mother. We were delusional enough to build a house behind hers (don't ask!, like I said delusional). Well, my bf came over when it was still light--my mother was supposed to be out. I had to run out of the house to intercept him before he just walked up the driveway (how freaking ridiculous is that?). Correction, I felt like I had to intercept him.

Anyhoo, I ended up sneaking him in the house somewhat successfully, but my son saw him and yelled out his name. I asked him if he could please not mention it to Nana. I specifically told him that if she asked, that telling her was totally okay (not gonna get my kid to lie for me to protect us from my crazy mother). Spoken by a therapist who just got out of a psych hospital a few months ago (so excuse the flippant use of the term, but it's a coping mechanism for me).

So, she finds out (still don't have the whole picture, but no matter). She barges into my house w/o even knocking. I was sitting on the couch snuggling with R. I had taken off my pants b/c I was so hot after literally running to catch him b4 my mother saw him.

She starts her usual screaming routine. I calmly tell her that my dh knows that he is there and offer to call him so that she can hear that from him (mistake, but...). He's at a bar and doesn't hear the call and she then accuses me of knowing that he wouldn't answer. I give up then and escort her to the door. She yells some parting shots at "George" (hilarious b/c that's what she called him even though that's not his name).

Both of us were very upset. My dh called her a couple of hours and by that time she was much calmer. She said something to the effect of "so I get that you know that your wife is with another man and are ok with it". He just said "yes" (bless his heart, since he's not totally ok with it). She seemed fine. Nothing is ever as it seems with my mother.

Today, she confronts me and starts going off about the damage I'm doing to my children and how she's torn as to whether she should watch them to protect them from the horrors of their mother being with a loving, caring man or not b/c she can't condone it. She's so manipulative.

Please understand that this woman was at least indirectly responsible for a great deal of my own abuse and is now what I consider to be emotionally abusive to me.

I am concerned about how to handle the children's curiosity in the future, but for now, I am quite confident that they all see him as a friend and do not have concerns. In fact, my oldest adores him.

Any suggestions on how to handle this with my mother? I tend to try to explain myself and I just think that inadvertently gives her the idea that she has the right to intervene. And don't think I won't have to restrain myself from pointing out what I went through as a kid. I totally get that polyamory is outside most people's box, but bottom line is that it is none of her business.

OH, she tried claiming that the kids were so worried about getting in trouble, and the truth is, if she could keep out of it, they wouldn't have been upset at all. She accused me of lying today, so I thought about telling her that I have absolutely no ethical dilemma with lying to protect myself or my family.

Thoughts? My anxiety is pretty through the roof.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-02-2010, 01:02 AM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Number 1: Lock your doors. You may be in a safe neighborhood or had some other reason for it to be ok (I grew up without needing to lock our door unless no one was home) but if you were already worried about what your mother might do, yeah... time to start locking.

Number 2: Chances are that she saw you running out to intercept him and sneak him in. That in itself looks guilty. Greeting him at the door as a friend would definitly have been the better way to go.

ok, sorry for the "hindsight" stuff, but had to point that out for future reference.

I'm glad that you are ablt to admit and accept that your mom was and currently is trying to continue her abusive behavior. That is a great beginning, and keeping that in mind can help you deal with her in the future. Next step is to talk to your kids. I don't recall seeing how old they were, but tell them the age appropriate truth, without the more personal details. "He (bf) is a very close friend and your mother (nana) does not understand or like the relationship. It may be best not to discuss it with her (nana) because it will only upset her." Nothing false there. And that if they have any questions, just ask you and you will sit and talk to them about it.

As for your mother. I have not had to deal with mine (as my own relationship ended before it became an issue) but I think the best route is to treat this like any other decision you may have made in your adult life. Tell her, in as much detail as you are comfortable with, about your relationship and that her approval is not required nor requested. If she will not under any circumstances accept that you are an adult making adult decisions with the consent of your DH and with the welfare of your children in mind, then yes, it is ok to tell her it is none of her business and to butt out.

Good luck and I hope others have better, hopefully firsthand advice for you.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-02-2010, 04:23 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Yeah, the best hindsight observation was about building your house behind your mother.

There are several approaches you can take. One is to tell her that this is the way it is. If she is going to be judgemental, then stay at home.

Another is a more polite version of the first. Tell her that you know it is a shock to her like the stuff her generation did was a shock to her parent's generation. Ask if she really wants to talk and understand it or does she want to just condemn it blindly. Let her know that you are explaining it to help her out -- you are not looking to be talked out of it. Then you can give her the pro-poly speech if she agrees.

Another is to talk to her with you and dh present. Another is to give her some time to adjust before you talk.

As for the kids, that is tricky. There have been legal challenges in the past where grandparents have kids taken away from nonmonogamous families. However, I think they were all based on the people all living together. If you think your mother could do that, you may want to handle it differently.

To put her mind at ease, just tell her that this doesn't affect the kids except they probably get more adults in their life. Monogamnous parents don't fill their kids in on what they do in their bedroom, so why expect it from nonmonogamous parents. As long as people don't freak out around the kids, they won't see anything wrong. As they get older, they will notice it is unusual, but what family is really the norm anymore?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-02-2010, 06:20 AM
Taamar Taamar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 7
Default

My mother had some issues, but got over them; it was my aunt who flipped her biscuits. The best I was ever able to manage was to take a deep breath, smile, say 'This topic is not open for discussion', and walk away. Repeat every time she brings it up. You don't really need her approval, but you do have the right to be treated with respect.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:20 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,647
Default

I hear ya about building a house too close. Mine lives five houses down. It seemed like a great idea when my boy was a baby,,,, now it's just... well, awkward to say the least.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-02-2010, 11:39 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Number 1: Lock your doors. You may be in a safe neighborhood or had some other reason for it to be ok (I grew up without needing to lock our door unless no one was home) but if you were already worried about what your mother might do, yeah... time to start locking.
Oh absolutely. I actually thought that I had!

Quote:
Number 2: Chances are that she saw you running out to intercept him and sneak him in. That in itself looks guilty. Greeting him at the door as a friend would definitly have been the better way to go.
I'm quite certain that she did not see me. Under normal circumstances, I would completely agree with you that making it nbd would have been ideal. But she would have done the exact same thing if she had seen him come to the door. So we were hoping to avoid it, knowing full well that it was still possible. NOt sure if I shared that she knew about the affair and has called my husband an idiot multiple times for "allowing" me to continue even a friendship with my bf. And I put allowing in quotes b/c my decisions are mine, but I love and respect my husband immensely and would seriously take into consideration his concerns.


Quote:
I'm glad that you are ablt to admit and accept that your mom was and currently is trying to continue her abusive behavior. That is a great beginning, and keeping that in mind can help you deal with her in the future. Next step is to talk to your kids. I don't recall seeing how old they were, but tell them the age appropriate truth, without the more personal details. "He (bf) is a very close friend and your mother (nana) does not understand or like the relationship. It may be best not to discuss it with her (nana) because it will only upset her." Nothing false there. And that if they have any questions, just ask you and you will sit and talk to them about it.

Well this is very re-assuring, as this is what I said to them almost verbatim. Oh, and they are 9, 7 and 4. I didn't so much talk to the 4 yr old, just introduced him to R and went upstairs to read him stories. I did offer for us to read them downstairs with R, but the boy chose upstairs.

They know that my mother is impulsive and volatile, but not to them and they absolutely adore her.


Quote:
As for your mother. I have not had to deal with mine (as my own relationship ended before it became an issue) but I think the best route is to treat this like any other decision you may have made in your adult life. Tell her, in as much detail as you are comfortable with, about your relationship and that her approval is not required nor requested. If she will not under any circumstances accept that you are an adult making adult decisions with the consent of your DH and with the welfare of your children in mind, then yes, it is ok to tell her it is none of her business and to butt out.
This is my plan. Dh and I decided that we will set groundrules from the outset--

If her plan is to be accusatory about my character, my parenting, etc., or to convince us that we are "wrong", then there is no point in having the discussion. We shall see how it goes.

Thanks for helping me think this out...I tend to panic a bit and it's hard to think in that state.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Yeah, the best hindsight observation was about building your house behind your mother.
Oh yeah. We have frequent convos about what we were thinking. Her "help" with the kids is so not worth the rest of the package. Live and learn. We do hope to move someday, but moving is very daunting at this point.

Quote:
There are several approaches you can take. One is to tell her that this is the way it is. If she is going to be judgemental, then stay at home.

Another is a more polite version of the first. Tell her that you know it is a shock to her like the stuff her generation did was a shock to her parent's generation. Ask if she really wants to talk and understand it or does she want to just condemn it blindly. Let her know that you are explaining it to help her out -- you are not looking to be talked out of it. Then you can give her the pro-poly speech if she agrees.
I had thought about this approach, but it got lost in the recesses of my scattered mind, so thank you. Not sure I have a solid pro-poly speech to give, but I thought it best to just keep it simple; that my dh and I recognize that my relationship with my bf has a lot to offer both of us.

Quote:
Another is to talk to her with you and dh present. Another is to give her some time to adjust before you talk.
Oh, he'll be present for sure. I'm hoping that presenting a unified front will be a good thing. But I have no delusions of being respected or even heard. She requested a talk, so though in many ways I'd prefer to put it off, I feel it is probably best to talk today. Fingers crossed!

Quote:
As for the kids, that is tricky. There have been legal challenges in the past where grandparents have kids taken away from nonmonogamous families. However, I think they were all based on the people all living together. If you think your mother could do that, you may want to handle it differently.
Yeah, having worked indirectly with CPS/DSS, I know how random they can be. When I was homeschooling (before my hospitalization), I made damn sure to have my ducks in a row to avoid any scrutiny. I think my mother *could* do that, but it is very unlikely. She is already raising my sister's dd and I doubt she would pursue it for that reason. Also, she is really angry with the authority/judicial system in our county for how my sister was treated, so I think she would stay as far away from that as possible. But don't think I don't know that it is possible.

Quote:
To put her mind at ease, just tell her that this doesn't affect the kids except they probably get more adults in their life. Monogamnous parents don't fill their kids in on what they do in their bedroom, so why expect it from nonmonogamous parents. As long as people don't freak out around the kids, they won't see anything wrong. As they get older, they will notice it is unusual, but what family is really the norm anymore?
My thoughts exactly, but thanks for the articulation! I am a firm believer that there is no "normal" and that we all benefit from diversity. My children are kind and loving and understand as best they can that diversity is a wonderful or at least "normal" thing. I hate the word normal, can you tell? ;-) Thanks so much!!!! I feel more and more confident, though still have a pit in my stomach

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taamar View Post
My mother had some issues, but got over them; it was my aunt who flipped her biscuits. The best I was ever able to manage was to take a deep breath, smile, say 'This topic is not open for discussion', and walk away. Repeat every time she brings it up. You don't really need her approval, but you do have the right to be treated with respect.
Very well said. ITA. Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hear ya about building a house too close. Mine lives five houses down. It seemed like a great idea when my boy was a baby,,,, now it's just... well, awkward to say the least.
Yeah, it seemed like a phenomenal idea, and in truth, I am happy that my kids know and love their grandparents. I never knew mine and what I did know was not pleasant. I'm more than willing to fall on my sword and deal with the emotional warfare on ocassion, but I do not want it negatively affecting my kids.

Oh, and fwiw, I presented the option to my dd to go to lunch with my bf as my ds had, and she was very open to it. Bf gets overwhelmed by people (social anxiety disorder), so I'm taking the one kid at a time approach. My DS2 will be a harder sell methinks b/c he saw my staying over at R's during my outpatient hospitalization as R taking me away from him and he's also very in tune with dh, who has struggled with anger toward R. So I imagine this has had an impact on the little guy.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-02-2010 at 02:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:21 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Default Some obstacles we are experiencing

When I posted that last thread about my mother, one of the members (I forgot the screen-name, sorry) suggested that if my husband isn't *totally* ok with our poly-relationship, then I'm cheating. I must say I felt more than a little defensive since I have gone out of my way to be respectful of his wishes.

He came to *me* and said that bf and I could resume our sexual relationship. Regrettably, bf and I did initially commit infidelity which began the exploration into polyamory, but since then dh and I have been having open dialogue.

He first consented to us remaining friends b/c he understood that bf filled a role for me that he could not (bf and I both suffer from PTSD and major depression), and then as time went on, and in talking with his best friend who is in an open relationship, dh realized that he was torturing himself--that no matter whether he consented to us being friends or lovers, he would wonder if I was seeing him AND that my love for bf was not a threat to my love for him. I spent several days talking with him about it, and it was clear that it was freeing for him to not obsess. Another data point is that a therapist suggested to him that maybe he would enjoy having a relationship with a woman w/o quite so much baggage (sex can be very difficult for me).

He is currently trying to pursue a relationship with a woman, but it is slower going than he hoped and I notice that when he is feeling disappointed there, he expresses hesitance about my sexual relationship with my bf. I replied to him that if he wants us to put that on hold, we will, even though obvee bf and I would not want to. He has requested this and bf and I will respect it.

Last week, he went out with a poly vee group local to us, and they gave him several helpful suggestions--one of them being to think of things that he and my bf could do together. He has been working on that and really trying hard. Of course bf feels much too anxious to even consider it at this point.

Bottom line is that it seems to me that it is "normal" (I really have a dislike for this word in general) for him/us to do a bit of a dance with it. I feel that as long as we have open and honest communication and are respectful of the other and their wishes, I am NOT cheating on him.

Now enter major obstacle #2 mentioned above: My bf's anxiety. Dh is willing to explore activities with him, but bf is too anxious. He's only reluctantly willing to meet and spend time with my kids. And I shared already that he's "met" my mother (and is still having anxiety aftershocks from that).

He just told me recently that he sees our relationship as not being long-term. This was more than a bit of a blow to me, and initially I thought "why the heck am I taking all of this heat if he's just going to end it shortly?".

Turns out that it comes from two places: his fears of becoming more deeply involved in our family *and* his ex-girlfriend. She's really doing a number on him emotionally, albeit unintentionally. She wants first dibs on his time. He's *really* struggling with it and despite my urgings to be honest with her, he is too afraid of losing her. He truly believes that she saved his life and just can't bear to have the convo that we both know he needs to have with her.

I knew this would be challenging, but had no idea how much so.

Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just for you all to understand the situation a bit better so that it might inform replies to future questions I may have.

Still riding the waves...

Christie
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-07-2010, 01:30 PM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Personally, I don't see this as cheating.

It also sounds like your husband is slowing down your relationship with your bf out of envy. It sounds like if his relationship were going faster, he would be ok with yours going further with your bf. If you and your husband were mor established, then I would say he should look at his envy and think about it. However, since he is still coming to terms with stuff, then I think some leeway is appropriate.

Sounds like there is a lot going on with your bf. He needs to figure out what he wants. If he sees his ex-girlfriend as a friend, then he should trust her with the truth. If she doesn't like him because of that, then was never really a true friend.

Good luck to ya.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-16-2010, 04:14 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Christie,
Quote:
I believe you are refering to MY post. Where I said that if your husband does not fully approve of your relationship with your BF, then you are, in fact, cheating. I stand by this. I am not trying to accuse or be mean or a finger pointer. However, the fact remains that you said, yourself, that you committed infidelity with your BF. Those were not words I put in there, those were YOUR words.
Warning, your reply elicits a great deal of anger. I will try to keep that in check as I reply. I AM NOT CHEATING. IF YOU READ MY ENTIRE REPLY, YOU WOULD SEE THAT IT WAS MY HUSBAND WHO CAME TO ME AND CONSENTED TO US RESUMING OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. IN YOUR LIFE, YOU GET TO JUDGE THAT; IN MINE YOU DON'T. AND BY BEING SO FORCEFUL WITH YOUR OPINION, YOU ARE IN FACT BEING ACCUSATORY AND MEAN, AND THAT IS MY OPINION.

Quote:
You can feel defensive if you wish. I can not change those feelings within you. Again, I am pointing out facts that you have already pointed out yourself, but that you may be trying to overlook.
TRUTHFULLY, THAT'S COP OUT; "YOU CAN BE DEFENSIVE IF YOU WISH". IT'S LIKE SAYING "I DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, BUT..." WHICH INEVITABLY MEANS ONE IS ABOUT TO BE RUDE. YOU DON'T KNOW ME, BUT YOU ARE JUDGING ME. THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF MOST OF MY EXPERIENCE ON THIS FORUM. AND FTR, I NEVER TRY TO OVERLOOK ANYTHING. I'M AS SELF-AWARE AS THEY COME. I HAVE NEVER DENIED THAT CHEATING WAS WRONG ON MY PART, BUT GIVEN THAT I WAS ACTIVELY SUICIDAL AT THE TIME AND FELT LIKE MY DH WOULD BE BETTER OFF W/O THE BURDENS I CREATED, I HAVE FORGIVEN MYSELF AND SO HAS HE FORGIVEN ME. YOU DON'T NEED TO.
Quote:
I am honestly NOT trying to be mean or accusitory here. But if I understand "Polyamory" right, it's about the HONESTY and the love. If my wife were not "completely ok" with a relationship that I had with ANYONE (not just a gf, but a regular friend) I would stop the relationship or at the very least I would stop the actions that she was not "completely ok" with. Now, this is just me. Not everyone is the same. Some people demand full and complete freedom to do as they wish. Is that you? If so, is that the way your husband feels also? Or are you both more the type to give and take? I am the later. My wife is also the later. We make concessions for each other from time to time. This works well for us, as we have been married to each other for 20 years now.
AND SINCE 3 WEEKS INTO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH BF, I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT HONEST AND LOVING, FACING THE MUSIC WITH DIGNITY. AND THE WHOLE "COMPLETELY OK" IS BS. I'VE BEEN READING THREADS HERE AND IT SEEMS COMMON FOR SPOUSES TO INITIALLY NOT BE COMPLETELY OK. MY HUSBAND IS IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT--IF HE SAYS NO TO BF AND I HAVING SEX, I RESPECT THAT AS I RESPECT AND HONOR HIM.

I TEND TO MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO AVOID JUDGING OTHERS--IS THAT YOU? I CAN HONESTLY ASSERT THAT MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE THE STRONGEST FOUNDATION OF ANY MARRIAGE I'VE EVER KNOWN. AND YOU WON'T FIND A MORE GIVING PERSON THAN I. SO, RESPECTFULLY, I ASK YOU TO TAKE YOUR OPINIONS OF A STRANGER ELSEWHERE.

Quote:
So, I will give you my opinion. (Please remember that opinions are like butt holes...Everyone has one and they all stink) In my OPINION, you are being selfish by trying to keep this relationship going on even though your husband is not "completely ok" with it. He may be telling you to do whatever....But if he is saying, "it's a work in progress", then he is still not "completely ok" with the situation, and is making a concession to you.
THERE YOU GO WITH THE DISCLAIMER. WERE IT SAID KINDLY, IT WOULD FEEL DIFFERENTLY. YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ME SELFISH. SORRY, BUT YOU DON'T. MY DH HAS BEEN DEFENDING ME TO EVERYONE, B/C HE KNOWS THAT THIS WAS ONE MISTAKE I MADE IN A LIFETIME OF BEING KIND AND CONSIDERATE (ALMOST TO A FAULT) TO OTHERS.

AND YOU ALSO MUST HAVE MISSED THAT MY DH IS NOW DATING AS WELL. DID YOU READ MY POST IN ITS ENTIRETY? AND YES, I WAS SHOUTING THROUGHOUT.
To the mods and the rest of the members, my apologies, but he REALLY hit a nerve. I feel that I remained fair and respectful in my anger and thus am going to hit send. If I've burned the bridge for this group, then so be it, but I have taken enough SH*T IRL to take it from some anonymous stranger who doesn't know thing one about me and yet feels the need to express his strong and unkind opinions about me.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-17-2010, 12:55 AM
zooropa zooropa is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
Default

Sounds like dh is going thru the pretty normal process of exploring what he is comfortable with after 36 years of only knowing the mono lifestyle.

TL4everu2, if you want to PM me separately, feel free. But let's consider the back and forth on the thread done. Thanks in advance.

-zooropa

Just to be clear, I am inlovewith2's dh.
I heard thru the grapevine that I was being talked about on here and someone was trying to make assumptions on how I was feeling. So I thought I'd join the forum so you can ask me directly.
But the one point to make here and now is that I do not feel like Christie spending time with her oso is cheating on me.
-zooropa

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-17-2010 at 12:21 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, children, coming out, communication, depression, family, mono/poly, privacy, struggling

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:13 AM.