One-Dick Fantasies

[poiyt]

I am loving reading this board....Im so glad I found this place, and only wish I had found it sooner!

I was reading through the jealousy-envy thread, and someone posted about her husband not allowing her to have a boyfriend - but she could have a girlfriend...another poster called this a one-dick fantasy. Ive realized this is my dh - and i think it bothers me more than I let on, so I was hoping to get your thoughts on it.

We are in a FFM triad. Dh and I are legally married but Dw (if I had to name a primary or default) would be it. We are a newish triad (6months ish), and all live together. Dw still maintains a relationship with her dh who does not live with us. Her dh has expressed deep feelings for me for months now, and i have only just begun to realize that I, too, have feelings for him.

Since opening my mind to poly fully - I have wanted to explore - for lack of a better term. Im not saying, at all, that I would go out and date or sleep with everyone - but Id like to be able to open my heart to the possibility. DH has forbidden me, and in fact told me it would be a relationship ender for him, if I were to be with another man. In fact, he doesnt really like that Dw is still with her husband (though they havent had sex in months - partially because of my dh's negative opinions or reactions if they do).

I feel he is very confining, whereas i would like the option to explore...

Thoughts?

[LovingRadiance]

I have a LOT of thoughts-none of which are very nice...

Here is the issue for me...

My understanding of polyamory is that it's about having (and accepting) MULTIPLE LOVES.

Ok-so WHAT is LOVE??

This has been argued to death on the board and I already know that many people here don't agree with my definition.
BUT I'm not in your relationship-so my definition isn't pertinent.

By YOUR definition of LOVING someone-

is it LOVING to have double standards?


Really-that's the question yes??


For me the answer is, no.
For others the answer may be "maybe", others still may say "yes".

Personally I don't think that there is anything loving about a double standard. It's selfish and it's self centered, self-serving...

This is one of the primary reasons why people think that polyamory is just another word for "man with no respect for women who wants to fuck whoever he feels like with no consequences."

Which makes a really shitty situation for those of us who really practice a fully loving, compersion filled polyamory....

[MonoVCPHG]

I see polyamory as simply the ability to love more than one, not that it is about having multiple loves.

It's a matter of criteria as far as the one dick fantasy goes. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship that involves more than one dick than that is his criteria to share himself in that way. It's not a double standard unless he gets to have more than one pussy.
If she requires more than one dick and he can't accept this, than he doesn't meet her criteria to be in a relationship and she does not meet his.

If people don't meet each others criteria, they move on. Simple and plain. I don't see what the huge struggle is sometimes...maybe I'm just tired. You either fit each others criteria or you don't.

[MonoVCPHG]

OK...I just reread the OP...he has a double standard .....boooooo double standard....YAY BEER!

[redpepper]

I would say that it is great you are advocating for your needs. Good for you. It seems to me that your man likes his harem and doesn't want any other man in on it. It's rather cave manish to me and disrespectful to women. At lease I would feel disrespected.

I know you love him and want him to be happy, but I would suggest that eventually this would wear very thin and you would end up feeling resentful and disrespected. There is no sustainable balance as far as I can tell in demanding that you do what anyone says. If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.

I like what Mono said about "have," no one owns the rights to you. No one owns you and poly certainly isn't about ownership.

I also like what LR says about those of us who work our ass off on stuff. It perpetuates a stereo type that poly men are really polygamists... please stand firm and don't let that happen. For your sake and for poly women everywhere.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

If he wants his cake and to eat it too, so should you, and so should your female partner. Why shouldn't either of you pursue other men if you want to? It's your right to have your needs met as much as it's his.

Exactly. I would think that if some one is truly poly, there would be a greater understanding towards gender neutrality when accepting your partner's interests. Otherwise it does seem like harem building to me. Although I'm sure this is completely ok for some people either male or female as the roles could be reversed. Sounds like getting all the cake without having to do the baking. Dessert without work so to speak.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG

OK...I just reread the OP...he has a double standard .....boooooo double standard....YAY BEER!

Oh You are SO lucky you woke up.
I was so ready to say "uh Mon, he does want more than one pussy!"

giggle. You are so funny sometimes!

[GroundedSpirit]

Yea - I'm kind of with most of the rest of the replies here.
This really has little to do with love and more to do with sex it would seem.
You have to keep that distinction in mind.

There's obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears etc and those are all things we strive to banish in our lives.

But like any habit - the first step to forward movement is acknowledgment.

The calling a spade a spade part.

GS

[rpcrazy]

There's obvious power struggles here, insecurities, fears etc and those are all things we strive to banish in our lives.

I completely agree. I like to think i know about this type of thing, and it happens so much. Guys who don't really "get" the whole poly thing but who really just think it's awesome they get to have 2 chicks. It pisses me off because it's my fantasy(yes fantasy) since I was like 10 to basically be in love with 2 woman and 1 guy
You're DH has no right to "impose his might" on you and "forbid" you. That's ridiculous. Conflicting wants and needs, need to be EXTENSIVELY talked about and managed carefully with a slow-fast progressive solution or balance. No, "no, i will not allow that!" BS...

sorry...I'm just really anti-double standard. I get enough small ones from my girlfriend to hear about more horrible ones on here.

Some major over-haul of your needs and wants needs to be had in your over-all relationships.

[ksandra]

I agree with everything that has been posted here but I wanted to add that once you do have that conversation and he (hopefully) agrees, be prepared to be patient. People who have those fears can't just let go of them overnight. He will probably need baby steps with lots of reassurance and long conversations. You can give him an ultimatum and tell him that if he doesn't give you exactly the same privileges all at once you're leaving and he might listen but that would be very hard on him and that won't help his insecurities. But hopefully he will understand that you deserve this too and both of you can work on this together.