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Old 05-05-2010, 04:11 PM
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Default Getting into a relationship with a married person

Mono wrote in another thread, (hope you don't mind Mono):

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Here's the big thing - I was in a traditional mono marriage for a very long time. I don't feel like I am missing that part of my life as I already had it. If I didn't have that background I highly doubt this would have become so deep. I'm quite certain I would have wanted all the family, social and instant community acceptance that comes with monogamy. This is one of the big reasons I struggle with the idea of a person entering into a relationship with a married person before they get to experience what the vast majority has. There is the "grass is greener" idea that I believe will raise its head. I've been on both sides of the grass. That's life experience that can't be explained but has to be experienced to be understood.
This is another thing I need to talk about and instead of hijacking that thread, I'm making a new one.

I can really see the wisdom in this, Mono. The new life you've started with RP and Polynerdist would have meant something very different had you done it during another phase in life - not having been married and had your own child.

In some ways, I'm in that phase of life. I'm still young enough that I could have children and have my own biological family. Since I was 16, I've wanted kids of my own. But, now I'm 32 and it hasn't happened for me yet. There are many reasons for this.

For one, I've struggled with relationships. They just never fit. There are many reasons for this too. For one, I was poly and didn't fit into monogamous models. But, not acknowledging my poly nature didn't manifest in a way that was obvious. It wasn't as straightforward as being in a relationship and having feelings for someone else. That would have been more clear.

At 21, I was engaged and I did do a lot of squirming about wanting to stay "free" and needing to still flirt. Not wanting to be trapped or limited. But, it wasn't obvious to me that this was coming from the need to be poly.

I also struggled with relationships because at 24, I discovered that I had a serious health condition that would be with me the rest of my life. I lost a lot of my self-confidence after having to give up University, after losing my circle of friends and basically dropping out of my life because I became disabled. So, for years afterwards, I dated, quite honestly, people that were "not in my league" because I didn't feel that I had much to offer and kept settling for less.

I now know my own worth and know that I have a heck of a lot to offer. Yes, I do require accommodation from the people in my life and it takes some time to get used to my particular needs. And yes, I know I'm worth all of it and I work just as hard to learn their needs as well.

Focusing so much on getting well for the years that I did also meant that starting a family was out of the question. I didn't have the energy. There is also a big question as to whether or not I can even conceive. I don't know because I've never tried, but part of me is very afraid that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant, let alone carry out a pregnancy.

And now, I have feelings for someone who is married and has a kid. And my perspective about this is a little different than what you wrote Mono because obviously, getting married and having my own children isn't as clearcut for me.

I've been searching myself about this a lot the past week. Nothing's to say that being in a relationship with someone who is married precludes getting married and even having children. Things would most definitely change, there would probably be a lot of difficult transitioning to do, but ultimately, I see that if there is commitment from everyone involved and a lot of honest communication, dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities.

All that being said, in fact, the possibility of entering into a relationship with someone who has a family actually feels nice because I don't have a family, not despite it. And I'm wanting to be careful about this because I want to be very respectful of the family that is already established.

I've nannied for several families over the past few years and with each and every one of them, the kids adored me, I adored them and I just loved having some part in helping them grow up. A few of them offered for me to come live with them. This was always very flattering for me, but I was always clear in myself that I wanted my own family, not to be a temporary accessory. I just never fit. I hid parts of myself - mostly my relationship style because they were all traditional, straight and monogamous. I was dating women, dating more than one person at a time and I knew that even if they accepted this part of me, I still didn't fit.

Mono, if entering into your relationship with RP was even remotely as intense as what I'm feeling right now, I have a whole lotta respect for you, man!

roly
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Old 05-06-2010, 02:18 AM
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Roly this is a big deal.
It's good for you to see it, and acknowledge YOUR part in it as well as acknowledging the already existing family's part in it.

Maca and I had a family as well. When GG decided to be with me, he gained OUR family, but he also gave up having a family "all his own" so to speak.
Not that he couldn't marry someone and start a family (well could have) but he would always have a SHARED family (now he's fixed but that's another story).

It was REALLY a struggle for his friends/family, even Maca to understand how he could make that choice. But for him (and my sister too) they consider these kids to be their own-even though the children aren't biologically theirs (the little one is bio-child of gg's, but none are my sisters). The kids as well consider all four of us parents...

So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with).
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Old 05-06-2010, 06:43 AM
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Along the same lines, my husband had some hesitance to marry me because of the fact that I had not yet gone through a major life crisis. He was worried that, since I'm fairly young (late 20's) and haven't had a crisis yet, that when I inevitably did, I would change so much as a person that I would no longer want to be with him. I guess it's a little naive for me to say that's hogwash, even though it's how I feel. I don't share his belief that everyone has to go through a major crisis to become their new self. I think it can be a gradual process, provided you have the awareness to make conscious decision rather than just reacting to your surroundings.

This isn't exactly what you were saying, but it seems to be along the same lines... about whether you can be prepared for a certain type of relationship before having gone through some set of experiences to see what "the other side" is like.
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Old 05-06-2010, 07:55 AM
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so glad you are writing all this out. I am interested to see what happens next and to hear what you say... my boy thinks you are awesome btw I judge a lot by how he gets a long with people in my life. As does Nerdist. His gut reaction to people is very important to us.

And yes, it was as intense for Mono, I can vouch for that! It still is as we move to another phase of living together and all that implies.... even deeper commitment to each other, to Nerdist, to our child and to all that we have together.
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
This isn't exactly what you were saying, but it seems to be along the same lines... about whether you can be prepared for a certain type of relationship before having gone through some set of experiences to see what "the other side" is like.
I get what you're saying. At this point in my life, I feel like I've had a whole heck of a lot of painful, traumatic, life-altering, character-building, enriching experiences. Holy! And come out the other side much better for it all.

I can see why your husband would feel that way. And I'm also glad that it seems to have panned out that your "lack" of experience didn't completely deter him. Have you found yourself changing over time in any major ways?
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Roly this is a big deal.
It's good for you to see it, and acknowledge YOUR part in it as well as acknowledging the already existing family's part in it.

Maca and I had a family as well. When GG decided to be with me, he gained OUR family, but he also gave up having a family "all his own" so to speak.
Not that he couldn't marry someone and start a family (well could have) but he would always have a SHARED family (now he's fixed but that's another story).

It was REALLY a struggle for his friends/family, even Maca to understand how he could make that choice. But for him (and my sister too) they consider these kids to be their own-even though the children aren't biologically theirs (the little one is bio-child of gg's, but none are my sisters). The kids as well consider all four of us parents...

So there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with).

I agree. Fit is important. Over the years I've thought a lot about how to have children in my life if having my own biological children didn't pan out. And I've come to accept that if I don't ever birth my own child, that's ok. Sometimes it's hard, but having a chronic illness will always be sometimes hard.

I know that whatever happens, I won't be "giving up" on having kids. Both in the sense that dating Nerdist (since everyone knows now anyway, sheesh) won't mean that I can't pursue whatever else life brings. And in the sense that I am not sacrificing my own desire for a family to be with someone. It's highly possible that I can't conceive and it's often true that I just don't have enough energy to keep up with a kid. I worry that it wouldn't be fair to them.

It feels more like I would be adapting the "hows" of it all.

LR, did you and GG end up having a child together also? Or am I getting confused? Personally, I've often dreamed and become all googly eyed over the years, at the possibility of sharing a big family with kids who all belong to each other, rather than solely to their biological parents.

I kind of grew up that way. My dad left when I was 2 and my mom and I lived with various combinations of her sisters, her friends and her mom. It feels more natural that way.
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Old 05-07-2010, 12:58 AM
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Holy Crap RolyPoly is dating Nerdist?!! I didn't get the memo
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:04 AM
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me neither! you're dating my husband?! oh all right, I will let you
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Old 05-07-2010, 01:20 AM
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Yes Roly-

It's a complicated story, but the littlest one is biologically GG and mine's child.
She calls Maca daddy-just like the other kids do.
Funny detail-the boys are both biologically Maca's-neither of the girls are. But they ALL call Maca daddy and they ALL call me mommy (3 are biologically mine).
They all call GG by his given name and they all know that he is the bio dad of the little one.
No secrets here.



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Old 05-06-2010, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post

Mono, if entering into your relationship with RP was even remotely as intense as what I'm feeling right now, I have a whole lotta respect for you, man!

roly
Redpepper is completely right about the intensity of starting and committing to a relationship with Redpepper. Admittedly the source of that intensity was almost solely derived from the mono/poly aspect of our relationship.

There's a lot of questions you'll probably have that I didn't have to ask myself. The wonderful thing is no matter what questions you have, you will be able to draw upon at least three people who genuinely care about you for support. The fastest way to get to the otherside of difficult questions is simply to open up and ask them. Once they are out there the only thing left is discussion and answers

You already are friends with everyone involved and there is already compatable energy I believe (energy is unbelievably important in my opinion)...similar to how Derbylicious and Redpepper's realtionship is evolving. We all cared about each other before so to transition into something closer is different than the inclussion of an "unknown" person. To me this generates a level of compersion already...The benefits in that are amazing!

Ask questions RolyPoly....this can be a lot smoother than it is often made
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