New member from Florida

[4erika]

I was so happy to find that there was an active Poly forum available. I just found you guys yesterday and have enjoyed reading some of the posts.

My husband and I consider ourselves poly, but have rarely practiced it...mostly because we just don't actively pursue other people. I was thinking that we didn't pursue outside relationships because we were completely satisfied at home, but I realize that a poly relationship has nothing to do with lacking something at home, but has more to do with expanding your life experience and adding love to your life. I'm starting to think that we speak so fondly of each other and are obviously so in love with each other, that people aren't getting the vibe that we're open to other possibilities. We're not swingers, but I wouldn't mind connecting with someone else who has some common ground with me. I was trying to think of when I'd have the opportunity to meet other people, when it ocurred to me that I meet hundreds of people every month when I teach at conventions....Somehow, I seem to have put up a wall that keeps me from connecting with others. But that's my issue to deal with.

A few years ago, each of us had a "fling" with people with whom we had no real emotional attachment. It was more of a way to scratch an itch and move on. We appreciated the ego boost, and had some fun sexual escapades. After a short while, these relationships dissipated and neither of us has seriously connected with anyone else. Until now....

I had to edit this post because my knucklehead husband has been giving the link out....and I want to be sure I'm not hurting anyone's feelings. I'll post more later.

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by 4erika

Now I know that some of you don't like to label people as Primary and Secondary, but in our agreement, I am Primary and anyone else is secondary. I have self-esteem issues (don't we all?) and I need to know that I am number 1 in my husband's life. I know that I would probably feel a little more confident if I had a second in my life, but I'm not going to pursue that right now. I'm just going to keep that in mind and try to be as generous with my husband as I would be if I too had a romantic relationship with someone else. I don't want to be the kind of woman who only goes along with it when she too has someone else in mind. I know how good my husband feels right now with his newfound love and I would not want to take that from him.

So, I talked with my husband and explained my feelings...even telling him how silly it seems to me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do and I need to address it so I don't start feeling resentful. Basically, I just asked him to not use the husband and wife labels when communicating with C. Sure they are just words, but apparently those are my jealousy triggers and him agreeing to change that simple thing has made me feel much better. I guess we all need a little reassuring at the beginning of a new relationship.

So that's where we are for now. I look forward to getting to know some of you. And I appreciate hearing your stories and how you deal with similar issues.

Welcome aboard. I use labels with my own husband right now. I am a mono, he is poly with a gf. His gf and I are friends as well. She is poly as is her husband. And we all are fully aware of who is pimary and secondary in all of these relationships.
I would say first of all to conquer the resentment is start your own friendship wih C. J and I are very good friends and being able to talk things over with her and having her reassure me of her intentions has made a huge difference.Although I still have my doubts and stressful and insecure times. My blogs are a sure fire proof of that. But over time I have come to except her as one of my closest friends.
And there is nothing wrong with letting your husband know what makes you comfortable and what doesn't. Just keep these conversations. Repeat them often as possible. Re-address them when you feel your comfort level changing, be flexible. What I mean by that is let them change as you grow. Just because you set a guideline in the beginning doesn't mean it has to be like that forever. Don't ever let a thought of unhappiness go unrecognized. And you will be fine. Let even the most tedious seeming thought be voiced and never let your imagination get the better of you. Mine is very poisonous if I don't stay on top of it make J and DH talk to me every step of the way.
Good Luck!

[4erika]

Hi Ak...yours was one of the posts that I read. I couldn't help but think that you're a better woman than I am. I don't think I could be as loving and generous as you have been. You are a strong woman and I admire you.

[ak2381]

Originally Posted by 4erika

I think they already are pretty lucky that I'm cool with how things are going, and shouldn't expect me to put myself in an uncomfortable situation so they can feel better. That's where I start getting a little selfish, but I figure I'm giving a lot already and they can't expect perfection from me.

And I agree. If you ever feel ready to make a step towards spending time with C try going out and doing somethng that maybe doesn't require talking such as a movie or a concert of some sort. That way maybe conversation if it happens, comes gradually from what you are watching. Just a thought. Don't push yourself though. Let it happen naturally.

[4erika]

That's a good idea. If we all 3 went to a movie and then out to dinner, it could actually be a very pleasant evening...as long as we could agree on a movie, lol. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Petal]

Welcome. You did find a good forum. I've only been on here about a week and can already tell that everyone is very warm, welcoming, and respectful. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. Good luck with your endeavours.

[foxflame88]

I'm in Jax, maybe we are neighbors!