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Old 08-20-2012, 01:03 PM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22
Default DADT just ain't working for me....

He & I have been together going on 20 years, what was once hot & horny grew into a much deeper love. My previous experience included open relationships & swinging, which he didn't agree with, so we've been mono.
Over the years, life changes people, it has been a struggle at times to find commun ground, but we've always managed to recenter and move forward together.
Overall, our relationship is about "growth". We do our best to help each other experience life to it's fullest. Interested in fishing? Sure, let's see what fish are here, there, what lures, what gear, let's try this.... And if it's something more solo, or the other has no interest, that's ok too, we do our best, try not to judge and are as helpful as possible.
When we started, he knew I was what he considers "wild & free spirited" and he liked it, found it refreshing, and yes, we had sex/shared pleasures in ways/places he never imagined... which slowed down over the years, life took over.... about 5 years ago, sex became a quarterly bonus.... now, a yearly bonus. Yes, his mojo fizzled..... mine did not....
Twice I've negotiated the ability to get my needs met elsewhere, under a DADT agreement, and about a year back, I found someone whom has become very dear to me. I have no shared this news with him, my primary. And yes, somehow, my mojo for my primary remains.... which is why I'm here on poly.
So, here's my delema:
I love my primary, very much so. Despite the DADT, I know he would be hurt to know I have a secondary
My secondary, I care for him very deeply but we're still in NRE so hard to tell if it's real-real or just hormones
I don't want to hide/lie anymore.....
Not that I outright lie, but for me white lies can be just as bad as outright lies
This past weekend, my primary & I talked again, for the up-tenth time, in regards to "honey, I want you and need more" to which his reply is "I'm only getting older, it's going to get worse...."
Worse, worse than once per year......
He has said several times that he'll see a Dr but never has
I've been to multiple therapists, one medical Dr & one holistic Dr (seeking was to turn down my sexuality... without success unfortunately)
I love him, he is my best friend, my family....
But, as I voiced to him, darling, you leave me with few options:
Live my life in constant sexual/physical frustration
Undo 20 years of building, liquidating all we have & each go our separate ways
You see, the DADT he previously agreed to twice has now been forgotten
I fear if I mention it again, he'll ask questions, get hurt and verbal nastiness will follow
I'm at a loss as to what to do.....
Am I poly? Depends on your definition I suppose
From my perspective, I am
I don't think love is an exclusive thing, I think it's a growth thing, a way of expanding your inner self, and it doesn't have to include sex
I love my BFF, she & I have been like sisters for years & years, but I don't want to sleep/have sex with her (not that I haven't slept with women, I have and I've enjoyed it, it's simply that our relationship isn't sexual)
My primary has been hit on by other women, I'm ok with that, even encourage(d) his acceptance of the flirtations, flirt back, you never know....
As our physical/sexual interactions decreased, I've offered/opened up conversations on swinging, open relationships, offered to help him find and/or share in whichever fantasy he'd like.... Doesn't want it, prefers to keep as fantasy
What-to-do..... What-to-do.....
Talk? Yes we talk.... about anything & everything....
Now how do I get him to understand I love him but can't continue to live this way? (BTW: I've spoken this phrase to him more times than I can count)
That he's chosen to not action my needs/requests shows me he's not taking me seriously.... but putting the house up for sale seems a little drastic.... though it may be exactly what I need to do to wake him up.... but again, that's the wrong message, I don't want to break up, I want to live life to it's fullest is all... preferably keeping my primary
Any & all guidance/words of wisdom are most welcome
Thank you for listening
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Old 08-20-2012, 03:26 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,358

I am sorry you h's libido has dried up to such an extent, and despite your desire for him, he won't seek help. Not even a little Viagra? Sheesh.

So, he'd given you the go ahead to have other sexual relationships. As a former swinger, you felt you could find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, while keeping your heart true to your husband.

However, now you feel you are in love with you sexual partner. Sex does deepen bonds. Many swingers do things to actively prevent this, such as never fucking the same person twice, never kissing, etc.

What can I say but be completely open with your husband? Tell him you're in love with your sexual partner. You are tired of DADT, you feel a need to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. Go for it! Courage!
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixie (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (single, poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Seeing Rick and Glori (MF partnered, both 33 and poly) since September 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's bf for 3+ years
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Old 08-20-2012, 03:48 PM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22

Believe it or not, he did get Viagra, tried it without telling me, and decided it wasn't for him... I kinda agree in that Viagra and such don't give you desire, they help increase blood flow (thus making erections easier).
Yes, in part, this is about sex.... But more so, it's about me feeling like a woman who's wanted. A real live woman who needs to be touched, held, felt desired... Not just a partner, someone to cook/clean/daily stuff with, but someone to walk holding hands with... And I do push for our couple as a couple to interact..
Example: Hiking
Latest push is health in regards to fitness so we discussed requirements, got geared-up, did our first hike to test out how heavy packs were, all went well
Now he's decided biking needs to be added and I dislike biking (no balance), he knows this, insisted... So now he bikes & I hike, how "together" is this, how "part-of" do you think I feel....
Yes NRE is wonderful.... Oddly enough, that burning/yearning is something I can still get going within myself for my primary
But he doesn't want to investigate hormone replacement therapy (only thing I can think of which may help)
Am I in live with my second, I'm not sure.... I believe we coud have something long-term together, yes, for years & years even
But I'm not going to rip & replace
To be honest, if me & my primary don't sort this out, I'll probably leave them both (may seem odd to leave second as well, but as I've been in my primary for o long, I think it'd be best I find myself again before opening to another)
But what I would really like is if I could openly have both my primary & second, ideally they'd even become friends....
I'm dreaming out loud aren't I..... Sorry
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Old 08-20-2012, 06:44 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,487

Hi and welcome,

Have you tried counseling to get your message across. The empty or romantically lacking relationship message.

Why can't you come out and say the DADT policy surround other partners has been activated and you thought he would at least know that much so you wouldn't have to lie.

Have you read or heard of the book love languages ....it's recommended here a lot. I'm sure its listed in the book list here. It might be worth a quick read for you both.

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-20-2012 at 06:48 PM.
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Old 08-20-2012, 07:35 PM
aLABiMCpl's Avatar
aLABiMCpl aLABiMCpl is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Mandeville, LA
Posts: 90


I seem to be only garnering 2 things from this, kind of in lazy brain mode today but hope this helps:

1.) Don't Ask Don't Tell - Seems to break the Honesty that is key to Poly.

2.) Depression - He may need a Psyche, more then a boner right now, whether he wants it or not.
Just seems like he is not seeing a silver lining and has given up on his self.
Now, do not think this is intentional, just the effect brought on when depression is winning.

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Old 08-20-2012, 07:59 PM
MzWiz MzWiz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eastern Canada
Posts: 22

Love Languages, no I hadn't but thank you
I googled & read-up.... Indeed looks like a very interesting book
Thank you
Oh, and yes, I did the test
No surprises there, I'm a 10 physical touch, followed by words then acts of service (8 & 6 respectively)

Therapy/counciling..... Depression.....
I did multiple sessions alone, took a series with him but he never showed (10 last minute rescheds in a row is not a subtle hint)
So getting him to see someone for him and ny issues he may have is pretty much impossible

We talk, we talk a lot.... but it goes in circles
We spoke again this past weekend, during most of which I was fighting tears
All of this is terribly sad to me
We're so good together on so many levels...
Yet when I get close, he giggles & says I'm tickling him even of it's just a hug
When I try to talk physical intimacy, he changes the subject
Not harshly, but say we notice an old couple holding hands, we'll both feel softness, big "aww, ain't that sweet" and I'll reach for his hand or make some comment "one day, that could be us" kinda thing, and his mind goes to some other place like old-age pension or health care for the elderly...
I jokingly remind him now & then that he has 2 heads, get out of your brain and into your pants... He laughs, thinks I'm being silly...

Yup, I may have no other choice but to simply tell him: DADT isn't working for me and simply see how things go from there....
Damn I hate this....
Can't we just talk things through?
Must there be so much drama?
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Old 08-22-2012, 12:48 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Originally Posted by MzWiz View Post
Believe it or not, he did get Viagra, tried it without telling me, and decided it wasn't for him... I kinda agree in that Viagra and such don't give you desire, they help increase blood flow (thus making erections easier).
Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked, including the free testosterone. The loss of testosterone decreases male desire for everything, so if he's feeling not like his old self, it's likely due to testosterone loss.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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communication, dadt, don't ask don't tell, honesty, secrets

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