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Old 05-01-2010, 02:05 PM
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Default Is ommission lying?

Is NOT telling your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/SO something so as to not hurt their feelings or cause them upset - lying? Is ommission of truth lying?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts!

Kat
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Old 05-01-2010, 02:13 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I would say that ommission of truth (when you know the person wants to know something) is a form of a lie. But I don't consider all lies bad. For example, I may think that my wife's cooking tonight was horrible. However, I don't consider it a bad lie to tell her I enjoyed it. However, if she was trying to improve her cooking and I lied, then I think it was bad.

One common problem I hear is "I didn't want to tell my wife about my girlfriend because it would hurt her and make her feel bad." I tend to think this is a bad kind of lie (unless she has said that she doesn't want to know about this stuff).
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Old 05-01-2010, 02:41 PM
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I think that it depends really and truly on what it is and the type of person involved. As someone who is having to work on communication there are times when I WANT to know but for my emotional well being a lie is best. is this something that will impact all involved or is it like Quath said.
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Old 05-01-2010, 03:50 PM
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I think lying and willful omission are painful because they imply that the person you are keeping something from is unable to handle you or the situation.

If you don't allow the truth about yourself to be known, you can't hope for another person to understand or support you.

When you make a habit of lying or willful omission, you communicate that:
1. You don't feel that you and your life are acceptable and
2. You don't trust or respect your partner to handle things.

So your partner comes to have that imbedded in their perspective of your relationship and will probably:
1. Not fully accept you for who you are and
2. Not trust you, or maybe themselves, and not be able to handle things.
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Old 05-02-2010, 12:17 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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I would have to agree with southerndreams - it really depends on what the 'omission' is.

Do I need to inform my husband and boyfriend of which one has a larger penis or can last longer? I don't see a benefit of giving either of them that information, unless either one wanted specifically to know.

I 'omit' certain details about my boyfriend because there are some people in our lives that are not comfortable with the idea of him or they just don't know yet. He is moving into our basement suite, but that's not something that is going to be known to everyone because quite honestly, we're not mentally prepared for the family backlash just yet. 'Omitting' this fact is, at least temporarily, better for all concerned. Is it 'lying'? Yeah, probably. And I have no problem with the consequences of that because it's being withheld for the sake of protecting myself and those I care about.

Many people keep their poly relationships secret from the world because living openly is not a practical option. Discrimination, problems at work, even losing custody of children can all be consequences without 'lies of omission'.

Can you tell us what it is that you're concerned about omitting? That might help you find some insight into your problem.
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Old 05-02-2010, 01:16 AM
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I agree with the idea that it is situational and it also depends on how the truth is expressed.

Along the lines of "someone's cooking", If asked what I thought, you give constructive criticism if you didn't like it. Point out what you did like about it and what you did not.

As for more personal things, which I am sure is to what you were asking, if asked a direct question, tell the truth. This can also be a "constructive" truth as mentioned above. If someone is doing something that really bothers you, should you tell them? Yes. But don't attack them, do your best not to put them on the defensive and do not "blame" them for how you feel.

Is it hard to tell the truth? Hell yes it can be. Does that mean that you should not. Hell no. You can be worried about their reaction, but always remember, it is better that they find out from you then from someone or someplace else or for you to go on and on in pain and suffering (if that is the case).

If the truth does not come out, nothing can be resolved.
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Old 05-02-2010, 03:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by booklady78 View Post
Can you tell us what it is that you're concerned about omitting? That might help you find some insight into your problem.
Vandalin, booklady78, rarechild, southerndreams, quath - thank you for all of your replies - they have helped.

I was hoping not to tell specifics - but you're right - it would help. When Morningglory and I talked a few days ago - she told me that she doesn't understand why my DH tells me some things but not everything. I asked him what she meant by that. He said that he can only think of one thing, and it was something that they did that has been bothering him and making him feel extreme quilt. He did tell me last night - that they had sex twice in our house when the kids and I were not around (on a futon on our third floor.) One of the 3 small restrictions that I have on this - is that I do not want them having sex in our house. He swears that this was before I asked them not to do it here and that it hasn't happened since. He did not want to tell me because he knew that I would be very hurt and very upset and he didn't want to hurt me just to stop himself from feeling guilty. I wasn't angry when he told me, I didn't yell or cry - I did thell him that I was hurt but that I do forgive him. Him and I NEVER keep things from each other - EVER! We are best friends and can and do tell each other anything and everything. The fact that he didn't tell me this - especially when we talked about it and I asked them not to do it here - I feel that that was the time he should of told me.

Obviously - there is no changing what happened. I do truly believe that he feels guilty - I just wish he would have been able to come to me with this, instead of choosing not to say anything to avoid causing me pain.

I hope this made sense - it is late and I am exhausted (that's what happens when you stay up until 4 am talking)

If anything needs cleared up - I will edit this in the morning.

Goodnight - Kat

Last edited by KatTails; 05-02-2010 at 03:38 AM.
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  #8  
Old 05-02-2010, 07:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quath View Post
I would say that ommission of truth (when you know the person wants to know something) is a form of a lie.
I agree with Quath on this one.
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Old 05-02-2010, 05:54 PM
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okay, I agree with Quath, but I also think that sometimes people live in fear that if they say something that the person will go up one side of them and down the other. They feel threatened. There needs to be room for vulnerability without punishment.

If I had something delicate to talk about I would ask that the person know that I am about to say something that makes me feel vulnerable to them and that I am scared to say it. I would tell them that I trust they won't blow up at me and ask them to take some breaths and think about what their response will be before talking. Then I would tell them what it is I think they don't want to hear and trust that my open heart won't be stomped on.

Those I love around me are very respectful of when others are making themselves vulnerable to them. It becomes an art after awhile. It becomes recognizable when someone is opening up to me.

I usually try making myself vulnerable to people and if I get stomped on and there is no progression to something more healthy, then I leave the relationship. I work hard to communicate, if someone doesn't want to work with me then they will get nothing from me... and then I have no problem omitting truth. I have no investment in them at that point, so what does it matter?

I find it interesting that most of what people dish out instead of talking openly and honestly is passive aggressive. It seems it is far easier to be sarcastic than honest. I struggle with that myself still.
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Old 05-02-2010, 06:17 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Hah, I just thought of this thing I do. Sometimes I do things that are at best, embarrassing, and at worst, self-destructive, and get away with them. Then after a period of time elapses, usually between 2 and 8 months, I'll say to my husband, "OK, enough time has passed that I feel I can tell you this now". These things that I do would upset or annoy him, but they are not betrayals of trust. It's more like I have to come to terms with things myself before I go ahead and tell him.
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