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  #1  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:23 AM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Default Struggling

I'm the secondary in a tri-relationship. I'm the other person he's seeing. We've been together for a year and a half. The rule of thumb from the primary is no sleep overs. I've been struggling with being in an empty bed a lot lately. I'd like to be able to just have one night a week to have him hold me all night long. I don't foresee this being able to change ever because she's insensitively stubborn. It's gotten to the point where I'm so weak that I cry myself to sleep because I'm that lonely. I don't want anyone but him to hold me or be with me though. So, looking outside of what we have is out of the question. I wake up feeling that much more exhausted cause of the emotional turmoil. Sometimes I don't even sleep properly because I feel that deprived. This is my first experience in this sort of relationship. I'm not used to sleeping alone all the time when in a relationship. Is anyone else in this situation? How do you deal with it?

I'm also struggling with engaging in threesomes with them. I just want any sex I have to be private without an audience with him. She's getting too competitive with me in bed with him. It's obvious and he's oblivious to it. Prolonging kisses, passion, etc... and I don't like how the level of passion between him and I is scaled down when he's with me infront of her. Maybe once a month if I'm in the mood I'm okay with it. I don't like being watched when I'm having sex at all. My feelings, tenderness, and passion are meant for him to experience in bed. Lately I feel like I've needed a good drink in me to engage in a threesome to take the edge off.

Has anyone dealt with all of this?
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  #2  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:57 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:41 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
Second order of business - Talk to her. Find out what she's uncomfortable with. Talk to them both. Work through it. It sounds like she's being jealous or having issues sharing, which is normal, but not healthy. If he's oblivious, you need to make him aware so he can address it.

I couldn't imagine dating someone for a year and a half and never sleeping in the same bed as them. Obviously it is causing you a great deal of turmoil and you need to address it one way or another.

Find out if this is a hard limit for her. Is she going to leave him if he does this? Why? What risks do sleeping in the same bed pose that having sex (or threesomes!) don't? Does she think he'll love you more than he has already in the past 1.5 years?
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Old 08-17-2012, 02:13 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Are you both monogamous to the person you share? It would explain a good deal.

Two people expressing needs that conflict; who is to say which person's need is greater? It won't help to start pinning negative and accusatory motives like who is jealous and who is controlling. It could be seen that way by both if both of you are mono. Don't go down that path. Decide how important what you want is and if the circumstance of this relationship won't afford you that then you're not in unfamiliar territory at all. What do monogamous people do in monogamous relationships when their needs are not and/or cannot be met?
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:39 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Are you both monogamous to the person you share? It would explain a good deal.

Two people expressing needs that conflict; who is to say which person's need is greater? It won't help to start pinning negative and accusatory motives like who is jealous and who is controlling. It could be seen that way by both if both of you are mono. Don't go down that path. Decide how important what you want is and if the circumstance of this relationship won't afford you that then you're not in unfamiliar territory at all. What do monogamous people do in monogamous relationships when their needs are not and/or cannot be met?
We both are mono to him. I understand what you're saying... if wants/needs can't be met at all, the typical approach is to leave, but I'm way too invested in him to want that to happen.

I've never been in a relationship with anyone on this scale like I am with him. Things with him and I are amazing outside of this tripod business. I enjoy his company, his wisdom, his kindness, his warmth, his playfulness, his protection, his passion, his tenderness, his love. I've never felt so ironically comfortable with anyone outside of what I'm struggling with within everything. I feel if it was just him and I that I would love to spend infinite lifetimes with him.

I wish he could clone himself for me to have the same version of himself for myself.
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Old 08-17-2012, 06:12 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I can understand not wanting to, just wanted to remind you that you have options and sometimes the ones that would serve you best are the scariest and sad despite being the healthy course of action. Not remembering your options can add undue pressure and cause more anxiety than the actual issues do on their own.

Love is only a trap if you let it be.
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Old 08-18-2012, 04:39 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by BirthofVenus View Post
We both are mono to him. I understand what you're saying... if wants/needs can't be met at all, the typical approach is to leave, but I'm way too invested in him to want that to happen.
Nobody is ever, ever, ever 'too invested' to leave. Women who have been married for 35 years are capable of leaving when they're being abused. Mothers of 8 and 9 children can and have left men who abuse them. Women without jobs can and do leave. You're in your twenties, no children, and only 18 months into this.

Do you want to spend the next 25 or 30 years doing her housework and childcare without so much as a thank you, crying yourself to sleep at night alone, and having threesomes that you don't even want to be having? Because that's where you're headed right now at this moment if you claim you're 'way too invested' to leave.

Quote:
I feel if it was just him and I that I would love to spend infinite lifetimes with him.
I doubt it. He compares your figure to his wife's--that's not particularly kind to her (I'm assuming you compare favorably?) It sounds to me like he's pitting the two of you against one another. He's clearly allowing this situation to go on. This is not all his wife's fault. If he really wanted to spend the night with you, he could and would. If he wanted you to be treated with respect, you would be. This does not sound to me like a man who loves and respects you, deep down.
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:33 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Second order of business - Talk to her. Find out what she's uncomfortable with. Talk to them both. Work through it. It sounds like she's being jealous or having issues sharing, which is normal, but not healthy. If he's oblivious, you need to make him aware so he can address it.

I couldn't imagine dating someone for a year and a half and never sleeping in the same bed as them. Obviously it is causing you a great deal of turmoil and you need to address it one way or another.

Find out if this is a hard limit for her. Is she going to leave him if he does this? Why? What risks do sleeping in the same bed pose that having sex (or threesomes!) don't? Does she think he'll love you more than he has already in the past 1.5 years?
We've had counter-productive discussions with her about this. He's very yielding towards it but she's uncomfortable. Any time she needs to leave town and he's unable to due to work I am to take time away from my life to go with her. It's to keep me away so these things don't happen. It doesn't have to be at their house. It can be at mine or a hotel if it makes her more comfortable. We've only been able to do this three times. I didn't include this information, my apologies. The first time she made it difficult by keeping him on the phone the whole night. The last couple of times I accompanied him on a business trip and had to lie and say I was elsewhere. She wanted me to come over otherwise to keep an eye on me.

Your response makes more logical sense. Not cause it's tailored to what I want though. Her excuse is she spends very little time with him. It's inconsistent though. When she has time off from work more often than not she'll go out of town to see her parents or spend the day with me. She's self inflicting this disposition she has with him. So, sleeping together every night is her comfort, and she can't sleep otherwise. I know it's just jealousy and the inability to fully share.
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  #9  
Old 08-17-2012, 05:20 PM
BirthofVenus BirthofVenus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Welcome! You are definitely not alone. Do a search on triads and threesomes and you'll see.

First order of business - you need to permanently disengage from all sexual behaviours you are not comfortable with. Trust me, it will save you years of therapy.

The primary lady is having way too much control over you. Disengage!
Hehehe. He compares my figure to hers. Hence the username. Also, Venus was extremely vibrant at my time of birth. It's my planet of essence.

Thank you for the warm welcome! It's appreciated very much. I don't know a soul in real life going through what I am on any level. I need someone to talk to who is, or has been in my position, and can guide me through their experiences.

I find if I disengage with sexual behaviours I'm not comfortable with he gives me the cold shoulder. I have tried to in the past and he treats me unfairly or deprives me of him because he's not pleased. What more can a man want though? He's a spoiled man to have the both of us in his life. I'm just sorry he can't have us at the same time as often as he'd like.

He doesn't understand that he lives with her. They can be intimate whenever they want. Take naps, sleep throughout the night, cuddle in movie/telly mode etc... whenever they want and it's okay. They've children which I understand can be a big deal to be without Daddy one night a week. He operates his own business. For all intensive purposes he could be on a business meeting once a week out of town as a cover story. The children only know of me as a friend of hers... not theirs which is silly as hell. She wants control over that factor and thinks its unbecoming of her husband to have any female friends. So, she's possessive of the idea of what I 'am'.

I was hinted to go over last night after spending a dinner/movie night out for some 'fun'. When the kids get put to sleep we have 'fun' with each other in the guestroom I stay in. I declined cause I had some medical tests in the morning, I was anxious, and they live further away from the facility that I needed to go to. I didn't want to have to get up at the hour I would need to. So, I could get a ride into town (they're in the country) to bus 2.5 hours to get what I needed done. He could've driven me in later with his son but declined when I asked. This was a phone conversation. I think she was calling the shots on this one because I asked him on the phone after speaking with her about it in her presence. She likes to limit the time I get to spend alone with him in any which way. I've also been feeling our tripod 'fun' has been too frequent lately. I need my relationship with him to be dominate and tripod 'fun' to be once in a blue moon.

The time I've spent with him lately alone has been very little in comparison to when I've spent days at a time at their house thoroughly engaged with everyone. The days at a time spent usually include me helping her with upkeeping her house, and cooking meals for the family. I rarely get a thank you from her for any of it. I find it rude. She'll take credit for my work and I know I'm just struggling with a bruised ego but c'mon. It's not easy upkeeping a 6000 sq foot house and 5 children. I'm in my 20's. They're in their 40's. A big hug with a thank you would suffice. I feel like a servant otherwise.

The most recent segment of days included me taking care of their child while they worked or wanted to go out by themselves because their other children are with her first husband and his first wife for the summer. How fair is that? I love the child like he was my own but even still... the second I want to step outside for a cigarette with him alone or be in his study alone to just talk she needs to stick her nose right in there. It's smothering. The only time that gets to happen is when she's in bed.

Prior to posting my original post I had been on Skype with him. He wasn't impressed with me. I could tell. He wasn't playful much, wasn't flirty, barely acted loving, etc... cause I didn't go over. I know he has his needs too but why act so cold to someone because they're extremely vulnerable and uncomfortable? I didn't even go to bed last night. I just stayed up looking at the ceiling feeling lonely crying.

I want to feel like I have my own space with him. I want to be able to go out to eat, shop, watch a movie, have him in my space for longer periods of time once in a while. Once a week would be perfect for me! I understand he's a packaged deal with 6 other people wanting his attention too plus his company and maintaining his family relationships with his family abroad. His step sons hardly come to him to spend time with him. He is mostly engaged with his three sons he's fathered and her. Am I asking too much?

I wish even from her she'd come to my house and do things for me. I get spoiled with material things from both of them. I am not financially able to do that right now cause I'm still settling in being on my own. I've only had my own space for a couple of years now since leaving my parents home. I get their hand-me-down things that they've upgraded from in the house. When I go out with them I don't have to pay really. It balances out with my efforts but it'd be nice to have them come over and help with my humble home. I guess balance and communication is our issue.

God, I'm a wreck, huh? lol
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  #10  
Old 08-19-2012, 07:56 PM
ultraviolet ultraviolet is offline
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Wow! My first reaction is stop having threesomes with them right away! Except on those once a month occasions when you're TRULY in the mood. Simply be honest about your reasons, that for you sex is something you prefer to be with just one other person, except when you're feeling unusually uninhibited. Maybe leave out the part of her being competitive in bed... the other reason is reason enough.

As for the other thing (no sleep overs), my heart goes out to you. That sounds very painful, and must take a lot of strength to cope with.

Personally, I could not handle being second class in a relationship with someone I deeply loved, nor would I feel ok with making my partner's other partner second class... even if I was suffering the pain of jealousy I would not want to make someone else suffer the pain of being second class just to spare me from the jealousy. That's immoral in my opinion. That doesn't mean I don't think that there can be a healthy and respectful poly relationship with primary and secondary status. But we should all prioritize how to make sure that each of us suffers as little as possible

On the other hand, each poly relationship will have different boundaries or rules and I try to understand and respect them (within certain limits).

I can think of only four options for how to deal with this:

1) Try to persuade her directly. (I know you said she's stubborn but if you tell her how much it's hurting you, she might surprise you with compassion. I know that when I've been jealous of my partner's partner, thinking of how she too can experience jealousy and insecurity and loneliness and etc. helps melt negative feelings towards her into caring and sympathy.)

2) Try to persuade your boyfriend to try to persuade his girlfriend to change that rule, or be more flexible about it. (Maybe he's already tried doing this, but if you tell him how much it's hurting you, he will hopefully keep trying and trying, and maybe even insist)

3) Continue with things as they are

4) Break up with him

I wish there were other options but I don't see any. I hope one of the first two options work! I would try persuade her directly before trying to get him to do so.

Good luck and keep us updated

Last edited by ultraviolet; 08-19-2012 at 08:18 PM.
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