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  #1  
Old 08-16-2012, 06:50 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Default Stuck at a stand still

Hey everyone!

I just wanted to get some advice on communicating with my husband. A few months ago I came out to him that I am poly (he is mono) and in hindsight it strengthened our relationship. We really started opening up and having honest conversations, I felt totally connected to him.. even though it was rough at times, it was great.

Flash forward to now. I feel like it's all been swept under the rug and we've just gone back to doing what we have always been doing. Not moving forward and my feelings are, quite frankly, getting ignored.

I have tried to get him to open up again but he just seems shut down and doesn't take it seriously. I understand he is mono and I told him that I wouldn't change him for the world but I'd like it if he could at least try to understand me. I have to, at the time being, basically not be who I am and I told him that I love him and I am willing to do that for him right now. But I told him that I honestly can't do it forever and that we need to continue to talk about it. Even if it is finding a happy medium and just to see how he feels now.

I get that he doesn't get why I'd be so happy to see him with another person and still feel 100% loved by him. I just feel like we had the 'big' conversation and then that was it.

I am not sure how to approach him about it anymore. I've approached him calmly, asked what's on his mind and I just get the good old brick wall routine that he always used to pull.

How do I get him to open up again? I feel like I am alone in our relationship (nothing to do with poly, just in general) because he just shuts me out. I want to work on our relationship first and foremost and I just feel like I can't do that.

Help!
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  #2  
Old 08-16-2012, 07:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So you told him you were poly and wanted to what? What did you want/need from him?
  • Just love me as a poly and know I am this. File it in your internal notebook.

  • Just love me as a poly, know I am this AND be open to hearing my inner life so I have some safe (to my mono partner) expression of it -- thoughts and feelings about being poly from time to time. Read my books, articles, see my movies, enjoy me when I suffer crushes from afar.

  • Just love me as a poly, know I am this, and be open to hearing about my inner life AND open the marriage to so I can start to date other people and find a new lover.

Those are all different tiers there of want/need. What is your minimum benchmark to be happy in relationship with mono him? (Mine is bolded as my minimum benchmark).

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-16-2012 at 10:25 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-16-2012, 07:21 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
So you told him you were poly and wanted to what? What did you want/need from him?
  • Just love me as a poly and know I am this. File it in your internal notebook.
  • Just love me as a poly, know I am this AND be open to hearing my inner life -- thoughts and feelings about being poly from time to time. Read my books, articles, see my movies, enjoy me when I suffered crushes from afar.
  • Just love me as a poly, know I am this, and be open to hearing about my inner life AND open the marriage to so I can start to date other people and find a new lover.

Those are all different tiers there of want/need. What is yours?

GG
We went through tier 1 and we are on tier 2 right now. He is nowhere near ready for me to find a new lover and I respect that. But I'd like him to learn more and take interest in learning more. This is a part of me and wouldn't you want to know about the person you love?

I am more than willing to take it slow and I can't predict the future. I just want him to not ignore this part of me... it is who I am and that isn't going to change... It's like the big elephant in the room.

Everytime I bring it up he just laughs it off and won't communicate. I thrive on honesty and communication. I just don't know how to approach him about it anymore because all he does it shut down.
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Old 08-16-2012, 07:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I totally get the wanting to be loved and understood bit. My longer thoughts there.

BUT you couched it like this:

Quote:
I have to, at the time being, basically not be who I am and I told him that I love him and I am willing to do that for him right now. But I told him that I honestly can't do it forever and that we need to continue to talk about it.
DO WHAT FOREVER?
  • Not share you inner life?
  • Stay in a close polyship of 2?

For you might mean #1, and that you cannot be happy if you never get to share and express your inner life to your husband.

But he may have taken it to #2 fear place. So he thinks you telling him "I'm here for now but later I want to Open. So let's keep talking so I can arrive there one day because I cannot be with just you forever. "

And if HE is feeling like "NO. Not going there!" then it is natural for him to NOT want to cross the bridge of talking more and be more open to vulnerable because he's already feeling pressure/under attack. If that talking bridge is going to Open Land or he THINKS it is. So no he's gonna be a clam.

If Open Land really is where you want to go that is one thing.

But if you are happy as a poly in a closed polyship of 2 with your mono spouse if he allows you the expression of your inner life at least (thoughts, feelings, etc) then that needs clarifying to your husband and maybe some reassure/support to boot.

And then maybe he'd relax a bit more and not close off into defense clam mode and give you what you are after -- more emotional intimacy, talking heart to heart, etc. Which is what you need to feel happy in a closed polyship of 2.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-16-2012 at 10:26 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-16-2012, 08:26 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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It's only been a few months, which is really not that long. Use this time to fix the holes in your existing relationship, like communication. Many of us have to be taught to communicate and unfortunately, it might require a 3rd party, like a marriage counselor. Of course, there are lots of references here and all over the web, that can help you start speaking his language, but it doesn't sound like he sees his lack of communication as an issue yet.
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Old 08-17-2012, 04:37 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
It's only been a few months, which is really not that long. Use this time to fix the holes in your existing relationship, like communication. Many of us have to be taught to communicate and unfortunately, it might require a 3rd party, like a marriage counselor. Of course, there are lots of references here and all over the web, that can help you start speaking his language, but it doesn't sound like he sees his lack of communication as an issue yet.
We have been through marriage counseling (twice). Our big issue is that I am Miss Susie freaking honesty and he is very closed off. It's been a long process and this was a huge step back for us when we were making so much progress. And I have no intentions to open up our relationship while we are still working on our relationship, he knows that I want to someday and he just stopped communicating again.
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Old 08-16-2012, 08:27 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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How long have been married ? 1st marriage ....Any children ?

How did you know that you were poly?reading a book or falling for a co worker. How long have you known you were poly?
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  #8  
Old 08-17-2012, 04:43 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How long have been married ? 1st marriage ....Any children ?

How did you know that you were poly?reading a book or falling for a co worker. How long have you known you were poly?
Together 6.5 years, married 3. 1st marriage.
2 Kids

How did I know? Well I always knew I guess, I just didn't realize there was a name for it until recently. When I read about it, I was shocked (or sheltered lol). I've always told my husband that I don't believe, personally, that humans are meant to be mono (though I respect those who do). I just thought I was alone because none of my friends thought like that. When I researched after I had strong feelings for a friend (not the first time that had happened) I found out about poly. Specifically searching if it was possible to love more than one person at a time.

So in hindsight, my husband knew my thoughts, my beliefs but we didn't practice them. When I told him that there was an entire community like me and I was interested in it and that it is what I want in life, that's when communication became great with us...

Ok I am babbling, sry!
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  #9  
Old 08-17-2012, 04:35 PM
BlueDragonfly BlueDragonfly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I totally get the wanting to be loved and understood bit. My longer thoughts there.

BUT you couched it like this:



DO WHAT FOREVER?
  • Not share you inner life?
  • Stay in a close polyship of 2?

For you might mean #1, and that you cannot be happy if you never get to share and express your inner life to your husband.

But he may have taken it to #2 fear place. So he thinks you telling him "I'm here for now but later I want to Open. So let's keep talking so I can arrive there one day because I cannot be with just you forever. "

And if HE is feeling like "NO. Not going there!" then it is natural for him to NOT want to cross the bridge of talking more and be more open to vulnerable because he's already feeling pressure/under attack. If that talking bridge is going to Open Land or he THINKS it is. So no he's gonna be a clam.

If Open Land really is where you want to go that is one thing.

But if you are happy as a poly in a closed polyship of 2 with your mono spouse if he allows you the expression of your inner life at least (thoughts, feelings, etc) then that needs clarifying to your husband and maybe some reassure/support to boot.

And then maybe he'd relax a bit more and not close off into defense clam mode and give you what you are after -- more emotional intimacy, talking heart to heart, etc. Which is what you need to feel happy in a closed polyship of 2.

GG
I want to go to open land, I am in no rush. We actually talked yesterday and he apologized for shutting down again, not just about poly but in general. He finally told me that he is stressed with our work situation right now.
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