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Old 08-16-2012, 02:26 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Is a diagnosable mental illness a red flag for you?

To answer my own question:

Yes, IF
A the person afflicted has not sought any treatment or kept up with treatment in the last year
B us being together and/or being poly has for the last two years objectively made them worse
C if their condition is very similar to mine, involves a lot of mood swings and shifts in identity
D they are using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate
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Old 08-16-2012, 02:41 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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I am typically drawn to people with "issues". I don't know why it is, but I always have been. It should be a red flag, but my nature is to help everyone I can "get better" and even though I'm not at all equipped to do that, I still try.

I'm not really sure what our responses are supposed to be here, but my short answer is "no".
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:00 PM
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Sorta kinda. I'm doing okay-ish (comes and goes, and I handle stress poorly). If whoever I'm with is doing as well as or better than I am, with a decent future outlook, I'll take a chance.

What must be clear is that I won't tolerate certain behaviors no matter the reason. No cheating. No lying. No changing or going off meds on a whim -- I actually discuss med changes with CdM so we're on the same page, and if it's a major change that might affect CdM's partner, she gets to know too. No substance abuse. No acting-out sexually. I will press charges if I find zie is harming me. I will take zim to the hospital for evaluation if zie is a risk to self or others. (If I'm the one at risk/being harmed, the police can help me. Saves on ambulance bills + gas money.)

Fucking up happens, and God knows people with wonky brain chemistry are prone to it. Seen it in myself, seen it in friends, seen it in family. We're therefore responsible for not fucking up, and if that means we have to go an extra mile, so be it. I did it. I do it every day. I'm owed at least that much by whoever I take as a partner.
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:26 PM
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For me: Red flag, yes, yes, YES. Dealbreaker, no.

I see how a person takes care of himself and if there is a visible, earnest effort to manage the illness, and if it is clear I won't be dragged down the rabbit hole with him, then I give him a shot. Lively is very diligent about taking care of himself, but he has been hospitalized (prior to my knowing him) during periods where he went off his meds and didn't get hold of himself. So, I remain alert to that. I was raised by a mother who was very mentally ill, and my life growing up was extremely chaotic, confusing, and full of turmoil, and it took a lo-o-ong time to recover from that and figure out on my own what reality is, so I have to be careful to know that I won't get sucked into someone else's dramas. Protecting myself doesn't mean I won't be loving and supportive -- I just have to be careful that I don't overextend and deplete myself to do so, like I did trying to take care of and/or sidestep my mother.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-16-2012 at 03:31 PM.
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Old 08-16-2012, 03:58 PM
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I would have to say no. Runic Wolf and I were only married a couple of years when he was diagnosed. I never thought about leaving him soley based on something he had no control over that was literally thrust upon him as a result of 1 in a million medication side effect. That doesn't mean that it has been easy, but I think I have become a much more self aware and understanding person as a result.

Wendigo goes through occasional periods of melancholy, which I hope will be lessened once the cause of most of his stress the last few years moves out next week. Things are definitely looking up for all of us in many ways, but as I was telling Runic Wolf last night that it is okay to be sad about the parts of our lives that aren't quite what we want. That allowing ourselves to sit in disappointment occasionally does not mean that the depression is winning. It just means that we're human.
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Old 08-16-2012, 04:58 PM
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It might be a red flag for me, depending on the illness.

Someone very close to me is involved with a man who is bi polar. His MEDS have a very adverse effect on him sometimes and he tires of the side effects so he's been known to 'go off' his MEDS.

There have been times when that happens that he is quite deranged, violent.

It's a sad situation as when he is medicated, he's a wonderful man. We just fear that one day that wonderful man will do something he can't take back.

So, I'd be weary of it for sure, based on my own personal experience.
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Old 09-08-2012, 07:51 PM
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Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes but with huge qualifiers.

My last relationship was with someone who had very severe problems with a mental illness that was poorly managed and caused an extreme level of stress in those around her. It sucked two years of my life away trying to deal with it and it took A LOT away from me, negatively effected my own mental health, and is still an ongoing problem.

On that basis, I would be extremely hesitant to get into a relationship with someone who had some form of mental illness.

That said, a quarter of the US population has some kind of mental illness and with proper management and care, it doesn't have to be a major issue.
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:03 PM
nerdyred nerdyred is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
To answer my own question:

Yes, IF
A the person afflicted has not sought any treatment or kept up with treatment in the last year
B us being together and/or being poly has for the last two years objectively made them worse
C if their condition is very similar to mine, involves a lot of mood swings and shifts in identity
D they are using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate
I cared solely for someone with Paranoid delusions and Schizophrenia for 7yrs. It was an abusive and dangerous environment. I stayed with them because, as the disease developed all her friends left her and found herself increasingly isolated and avoided. I was a major support in her life. This experience has shaped me more that I would care to admit. I have only the greatest concern for mental illness and understanding just how deadly they can ultimately be.
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Old 09-15-2012, 03:29 AM
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This is a tough question. I have to go with my own experiences to answer this one. I fell in love with, and married, an undiagnosed bipolar. It was hell for the first several years (pre-diagnosis and treatment), as I did not know how to help him. Bottom line was, I loved him, so I stuck by him because I wanted to help him face the demons. It sure was an emotional rollercoaster back then, but 23 years later, we are still married.

I made a choice to stay with him and not abandon him. He had no idea why he acted the way he did. I could see how tormented he was by his actions and how it affected us. Serendipity smiled on us the day I got a position working for a crisis stabilization unit. The very first day, I encountered someone suffering from manic depression,and the "ah-ha" moment hit--hubby wasn't suffering from just depression--he was bi-polar.

You can't choose who you fall in love with; you can only choose whether or not you will stay in love.

Good topic!

~Dolly
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Old 09-16-2012, 07:35 AM
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My mother is bipolar, and I am sure that Storm is as well. We all have our issues, and sometimes they are very difficult to deal with. But, I love them both and enjoy the good times, which highly outweigh the bad. Plus we're all seeing a Psy Dr, so there is not good reason for anyone to outright deny a relationship where anyone has mental illness. Hell, even SAD is considered a mental illness But, as many here have said, as long as it is not violent or threatening to anyone's health (mental/physical/etc), I see no reason to dis-include someone based solely upon a MH diagnosis.
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