Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-16-2012, 08:11 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default Happy-ish Stable-ish, Uneventful Poly

I am not new here, or new to poly, but I never made an introduction so I thought I would. Nothing noteworthy enough is happening to start a blog. Hoping it stays that way! Nevertheless I guess I'll start from day one.

I was briefly poly ten or so years ago with my ex-husband, but we broke up 9 months later, and I ended up monogamous with my other partner at the time, Adam, while I recovered from the break up. My request to Adam was to add no new partners (he was dating somebody which was fine with me) for a few months while I recovered from my break up. When it turned out Adam and I were getting serious, it seemed like a (not that much discussed) smart idea to build our relationship and figure out what was happening before taking on any other partners again. Somehow the default was “we are mono“ when it was brought up, which confused me since Adam had been poly since he was a teenager, about 20 years when we met.

I started er…putting my foot down? That we either needed a change in our relationship (the sexual dynamic) or to be open to dating again, about 5 years into our relationship. I was met with reluctance to the idea, which didn’t make sense to me with Adam‘s background. I’ll go on in great droning detail about that later. … I was actively advocating for it for two years without any progress, when somebody messaged Adam at his polymatchmaker.com profile. She asked if he would like to meet for coffee (his profile said looking for friends) and I said he should. Before the meeting I told him to sit down, shut up, and listen to what I was saying, and forbade (YES FORBADE) him to respond to what I said. I told him if he felt like flirting with her, he should flirt, and sent him on his way. He came back from coffee all giddy and energized, and suddenly remembered all the benefits to poly, and BAM.

hmm, guess I'll post this before I change my mind!
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-16-2012, 08:39 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

Yep, I only think about starting a blog thread after a few glasses of good red wine. My reason for posting is that I think if I am going to give somebody advice, they should get to know where it is coming from if they care to reference. And maybe my poly will be more interesting someday and all sorts of drama will ensue so I'll have something interesting to say (God I hope not)

My (now ex) husband and I had been married about 11 years when poly came up - actually non traditional relationships came up in the form of some friends talking about exhibitionistic sex at a swing club, which led to a "we said 11 years ago we weren't really ready to settle down and be exclusive, we're too young, but we are in love so that's what you do so we did it, but look there are options" conversation. A few months of talking ensued, I really wanted to date a woman, looked on Adult Friend Finder and got plenty of emails from women who wanted me to have a threesome with them and their bf/husband but that was about it. I kept looking around and found some information online about polyamory, and realized that was what I was comfortable with.

I'd given up on focusing on exclusively finding a woman to date, so we decided dating "at large" was a great opportunity for each of us. We agreed I would go ahead and get involved with my friend Todd, a long distance, out of the country friend of a few years who was interested in me. We both felt safe with me being intimate with good friend, and he could come to visit at a time my husband was going to an event in another state where he'd gotten plenty of proposals in the past.

I dropped my husband off at the airport (sheesh I better give him a fake name since he's still in my life and all...) I dropped Heath off at the airport, then picked Todd up at a train station in Vancouver BC. We went through customs and the guy started quizzing us on what some guy was doing crossing the border with a married woman, like hardcore. It was harassing, and awkward, and I managed not to say...well he's here to fuck me for five nights while my husband goes to find some random sex partner(s) across the country. (Really I wouldn't bring this up but Todd says when he came to visit me two years ago he got the same shitty questions at the border, and he's going to be here again in two weeks so :|)

So Todd showed up, we’d had sexual chemistry for a few years, and we ended up having sex the first night. I’ll restrain myself from going into too much detail, which is hard cause I like funny stories. I spoke with Heath the next day, confirmed the “deed had been done”. I had 5 days of sightseeing and 5 nights of various sexual activities with Todd, and then dropped him off in BC again (btw, Canadian border patrol are not pervy dicks like American border patrol are.) The second day Heath let me know he’d met somebody, described her and let me know what sexual experience they had. He said he hoped they’d get together again but it turned out she wasn’t around the rest of the trip, so when I picked him up at the airport, it was a somewhat unbalanced 5 night festival to a one night of fun (back then balance seemed so important)
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-16-2012, 09:22 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

We actually were going to get involved with my aforementioned exhibitionist friends (I'd been platonic friends with the husband for a few years through a MMORG, it was a surprise when a sexual subject came up at all), they came to meet us in Seattle, and we hung out for awhile, then flirted online with each other for a couple of weeks. They were going to visit us at our home in Northern WA, where the wife and I were going to "experiment" (we were both interested in women, I don't think we were interest in each other so much of course) and they didn't cancel so much as disappear and not respond to emails the few days before their arrival. After the fact the wife told me she felt her husband was going to pressure for swapping sex partners, and she wasn't comfortable with it so she did not want to come, and I don't blame her.

They’d been aghast that we’d had separate relationship/experiences with other people, they were much more of a swinger mindset and had a ton of trouble wrapping their head about it, which might be why part of why it didn’t work out. On a side note my dad has been married three times, it went cheater/swinger/cheater, my mom was (is? We don’t talk about her sex life THANK YOU since she retired to Mexico) a swinger with her 3rd and 4th husbands, so I understood the “I don’t get your lifestyle” thing.

After that didn’t work out, we pondered where to go. We had been discussing for a month or so if Todd would come to live with Heath and I after he graduated, drive over the border for work (we were a 15 minute drive from the WA/BC border crossing). I’d been discussing with each of them my interests in a MMF threesome, and the sort of relationship I was open to if it worked out (co primaries). They had established a friendship through IM’ing, I got teased about on all sides about threesomes and how much I loved the cock. Yep, I said it.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-16-2012, 09:29 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

Todd had said he was going to date/open to dating other people (that was actually a part of our negotiation into getting into a sexual situation) and from our talks and his actions, I got the feeling he wasn’t going to. I was very reluctant to him moving into a situation where it would be mono-poly - Heath was up for sex 6x a week, and if Todd was too (which he clearly was), I was fucked (in a musculoskeletal way of not being able to physically handle it). I repeated over and over he should be looking to date, and that I wasn’t going to OK him moving in with us until he was dating. Just to make sure he understood this wasn‘t going to be a poly-fi situation, I went out on a date with somebody who wrote to me on adultfriendfinder.com, some guy who got I was looking for women but was respectful and thought I was cool.

So that was a fiasco after a 2nd date horror story, but I digress (aka irrelevant to story except to let Todd know I was going to have sex with people who weren‘t him or Heath). We discovered OKCupid.com, put up profiles, and somehow Adam saw me on his updates. Even though he didn’t ever look for people more than 10 miles from his zip code, he liked my smile so wrote to me, me who was a 2.5 hour commute at the time.

I guess I should say, I’d seen Adam on polymatchmaker.com. I liked his profile! However, Heath shaved his head for most of the 11 years we were together, so I was like…OMG I CAN DATE ANYBODY, I WANT TO DATE SOMEBODY WITH HAIR AND RUN MY FINGERS THROUGH IT!!!! Yes, that exact thing. So, Adam shaved his head. He was funny and witty and cute, but he shaved his head, so I hadn’t written to him. It seemed kismetty he wrote to me. I had a seminar in Seattle so we went to dinner. I was in shitty shape because Heath had a sex date with somebody from AFF for the first time and I’d been up til 2 am waiting for him to call me and tell me it was over so I knew everything was OK and I could sleep. I explained this to Adam, and we went to dinner - he babbled on and on about kidney stones and failed relationships and poly (and more failed relationships and heartbreak) while I just sat there and smiled tolerantly at him… he gave me tons of good advice about Todd, and poly in general…and I came away from the date thinking “Fuck this poor dude needs a friend”

Hmm why the fuck am I babbling on about stuff that happened like 8 years ago? Well really like I said, boring uneventful poly is happening here, so ya know, drawing it out.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-16-2012, 09:52 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

So I planned on being friends with Adam, but the next thing I remember he’d come up to visit me and Heath way up north, brought a Troma video.. I’d asked Heath if it was OK if I held hands with Adam when he was over, which he was fine with, and I spent like… one of the best evenings of my life (which I always hope to recreate I the future with partners) sitting between them holding hands with both of them while watching “Tromeo and Juliet” (I think, dude I was high on omg I’m holding hands with two boys I like!) To this day we cant figure out how it went from "you need a friend" to dating.

Adam got us invited to a cuddle party, it was a bit confusing because Todd thought I was Adam’s date, Adam thought I was Todd’s date, I’m sitting there watching Todd and Adam pursue women all over the place while I’m being ignored, I end up kissing a few girls and hit it off with one that is just my type so stop caring my men are ignoring me. (I wont go on into detail in the future cause who cares about it, but her and I had a couple dates, just weren’t in the same place in life, but omg she was sexy and I wish I had been more bold, two unsure women make a funny combo)

The hostess of the cuddle party ended up being interested in Heath and vice versa. The hostess happened to be Todd’s ex gf, and interested in being his primary partner now too. She sat me and Heath down to make sure we were all on the same page, and said she was interested in dating both of us. Wtf - If we had been a unicorn seeking couple I’m sure we would’ve exploded. I said I didn’t think I could handle two new relationships at once, but wished her and Heath well. I always envy and look up to her bravery and courage. Her and I hung out and kissed when we were together and it might have gone further as we got to know each other but…sigh.

I guess I'll throw something in here about Todd. He came to visit us again, seemed OK with me dating mostly... I wanted him and Heath to get to know each other in person to see if cohabitation was possible. Sadly, I found myself 100% disinterested sexually or romantically in him now. I had no desire to kiss him. Not sure if it had to do at all with two men in one place, but I had the chance to realize I was not interested. I felt horrible. We have also experienced sexual tension off and on since then, but I don't desire him. A valuable lesson I learned, long distance chemistry, or situational chemistry, isn't to be trusted.

So it was going along well for 6 months with Adam, Heath was still dating Adam’s ex gf, Adam and her were talking about dating again, we all spent time together at our place and a friend’s hot tub, she and I hung out apart from the men. Heath came to talk to me one day and he was very serious (he’s a fucking goofball so serious was out of place) and I panicked and was sure he was going to ask me to break up with Adam. In those moments I realized I was going to have to say no - regardless of all the “we come first and if one of us wants to stop this, it stops” that poly meant you love who you love and it cant be shoved away for another person - ANOTHER valuable lesson I remember to this day when discussing agreements with Adam…
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-16-2012 at 12:16 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-16-2012, 10:29 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 822
Default

Surprisingly what Heath said was “I have to tell you something”. It turned out he hadn’t had sex with the person he’d talked about having sex with (queue melodrama!) but he’d actually had sex with uh…Melanie. Melanie was married, cheating on her husband. Heath and I had a few rules and they were
Use condoms for sex
Be honest about what is going on
Don’t have sex with somebody who is cheating (did not put an onus on him to investigate this, he could take them at their word
don’t fuck A, B, or Melanie, because they tried to have sex with you last year and tried to get you to cheat.

It turned out Heath had panicked when I had sex with Todd, because he didn’t have sex with somebody the first night. Instead of telling me to stop/slow down, he went to the easy solution of finding the weak link of somebody who had already expressed interest. Melanie had said she had a bad relationship with her husband, but she hadn’t cheated before, so apparently that was enough STI control for Heath, and he hadn’t used condoms cause you know, we’d been mono, Melanie had been mono..its not like if you're in an unhappy marriage maybe your spouse is cheating on you without condoms so when you cheat on HIM you’re passing along something. He slept with her for four nights, but decided to make up an imaginary woman he slept with so he could tell me about her, but left it at the one night of make believe.

So that is the bitter unhappy truth of the end of my first marriage. If condoms had been used I could’ve forgiven, if it was a one time event (or just that trip event) I could‘ve forgiven. But 9 months later when Heath admitted this to me, he was making plans to meet up with her again 3 months later at the event, and spend even more time with her that year (in a close 12 hour long daily work relationship for the event). I’d had a feeling something was wrong with the situation but since we were open and poly now, I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so distressed, and never would’ve seen something like that coming. Truth is he’d been a prick the last 6 months but he kept saying it was because I was angry. I felt like I was going insane since I believed him and was trying to figure out what horrid behavior I was doing, but later we realized and discussed at a counselor it was him projecting because he felt so guilty.

Sadly instead I had to ask him to call his gf and let her know to get tested there was risk (he hadn’t gotten tested since before the event) I had to go get tested, three days later we had the house up for sale. Wtf all our cats died in the next year, everybody was miserable. I was embarrassed. I was angry he had by omission lied to his gf and put her health at risk. I could not get over the fact he would risk me dying for his desires. He wanted to stay together, we made a few halfhearted attempts but I could tell he said one thing and meant another. He denied it vehemently at the time but 8 years later he admits it was right for us to separate. Well he admitted it after 3 years, but now we are comfortable with it!

Crap, I hate looking back and seeing I used to be able to have 4 pretty reasonable agreements and after being lied to by somebody I trusted the list got so much longer. Food for thought.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:46 AM.