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Old 08-16-2012, 02:12 AM
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naturalblue naturalblue is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 21
Default New to having an open marriage and could use some perspective

Hello all, I'm pretty new here and to this situation so I could use some perspective, as I said in the title.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for just 5 months and open for almost a year. I had actually been in open relationships before, but that was years ago and they didn't last long due to a long standing issue with commitment and my general immaturity at the time. My husband has never been in one before and when we first got together was NOT interested in that kind of arrangement and he does tend to be insecure and jealous at times so we were (obvs) monogamous for the majority of our relationship.

However, us having a strong, very secure relationship and having developed very good communication skills over the course of being together, plus the fact that many of our friends are also in open relationships (it's almost the norm in my social circle) and him being able to see first hand that being open did not equal the destruction of the relationship made him more open to the idea. We had discussed it at length and finally decided to do it, as I mentioned, about a year ago.

He immediately kind of fell into a relationship with a friend of ours and despite some bumps in the road due to misunderstood expectations, that is working out well. I took a little longer to figure out what I wanted, plus I think that I was waiting to see if this was really going to take as I think a part of me was worried that he would still be jealous.

So, here we are to what I need perspective on. I've started dating a guy that I really like, who is also in an open marriage. It's been exciting, I haven't had those early dating stomach flutters and giddiness in a long time and I had forgotten what it was like. The problem that I'm having is figuring out how to act with him. Previous to my husband (and with him), when I started dating someone that I had as much mutual chemistry with as I do with this guy, I pretty much want to spend the majority of my time with them and do all the new dating stuff (staying in bed for days at a time, talking all the time, being stupid gag me cutesy, etc) that comes with a new relationship. I feel like I can't really do that with this guy though, because we both have primary relationships and I don't want to overstep any boundaries or be the weird girl that calls/texts too much.

So far I've really restrained myself, but I'm hoping that some of you may have some advice for how this works. We've only just started seeing each other/sleeping together so maybe I'm over-thinking this at this stage. I think part of it may also be that I'm subconsciously comparing it to my husband's relationship with his gf - they talk all the time and when he stays with her, it's usually for a long weekend so they have a lot of time together. She's not married and he's her only relationship though, so it's a little different.

So I suppose my question is, how has this worked for you guys? How do you date someone and express that giddy I'm-so-excited-to-spend-time-with-you stuff while still allowing for both primary relationships?

(As a side note, I've also discovered that getting back out in the dating world has reawakened some of my insecurities, which is both interesting and unfortunate. Being with my husband for so long and being so secure in his love and desire for me laid those to rest a long time ago, but now with someone new in the mix, they are raising their ugly heads with their calls of "You're not good enough/you're fat/ugly/stupid, etc." Sigh. I KNOW it's not true, but sometimes those ugly voices are hard to drown out. Have any of you experienced this? I suspect it is also part of what is behind my anxiety about this situation)

Thanks for any advice you have!
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