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  #1  
Old 08-15-2012, 10:03 AM
Perks Perks is offline
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Default How long will you take?

Poly= I've been this way my whole life. I know myself.

Mono= Husband is knee deep in it.

I came into this marriage with these words.... "I'm GOING to have sex with other people. Are you SURE you want to do this?" (And yes I know it sounds like I swing but we had talked before about relationships.) He knew what he was getting into.

A week ago my husband says to me: "I don't like this. I'm not ok with any part of you being with someone else. This might be a deal breaker for me."

Like a baseball to the face.

So now what? I've been with other people. I have a boyfriend right now. Am I in a world of shit? Is this new feeling he has retroactive? Will there be jail time?

I will admit to playing soft with him for the first four years. And by that I mean I didn't look for another relationship. And this is probably due to the fact that I am very picky about who I want to be with, but I guess that made it pretty easy for him to pretend I was mono.

The last year has been go go poly. Not sure why the change of heart.

Anyone else ever have this happen to them? Did it work out? Why do mono people fall in love with poly people? Is it because we have nice hair?
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  #2  
Old 08-15-2012, 01:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'd thank him for coming to me with his issues, and probe a bit to get him to elaborate on what "Might be a dealbreaker" means to him and where he's wanting to take it.

Because he says it MIGHT be a dealbreaker. What does that mean? Is it a soft limit and not a hard limit? Like he's willing to try and see if he can fly with this but needs help getting the kite off the ground in a more palatable way?

Is he conflicted and needs support and nurture from you in general and then practical help elsewhere? Like do you need a poly friendly therapist to help you? To create your rights and responsibilities framework? (That is mine) And help him as individual person to cope with his feelings at this time too?

Or is he saying he's done? Game over?

I'd think about ME and where I would want to take it and if I'm in it still or what. It's not so much about how long he's going to take. He himself may not know. It's how long I would be willing to wait for him and if my love for him is enough to sustain me through the wait. Would I still be in it if the questioning period was a year? Two years? Indefinite?

Marriage is a commitment. Given that you were clear from the onset that you were poly, and now you have a BF, I wouldn't throw in the towel just because things got rough. Maybe this BF is finally making it be a reality for the hubby -- so there's some kind of elephant in the room to break down but he doesn't have the skills strong enough to DO it with you so he's scared?

This elephant is of another color, but I'd answer the same. BREATHE. Break it down. One bit at a time. With a pro if need be. It doesn't have to be the end.

But first answer -- how IN this marriage are you both? Didn't you promise thick and thin? Do you still love each other? Have you fallen out of love?

If so, don't put off the inevitable.

If you are still in love, talk about your Questioning Time. Maybe it's agree to a "Year of Investigation" with a therapist and then reassess after that where you are at and if enough progress is moving along to renew for another year or what.

Is your marriage worth that? Only you guys can answer these kinds of questions for yourselves.

HTH!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-15-2012 at 01:58 PM.
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  #3  
Old 08-15-2012, 05:12 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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This sounds really similar to my current situation. Please excuse the small high jacking of the thread.
Me= poly even before I knew there was a word for it. Never cut out to be housewife material, more of a wanderer type
Gamerboy(my partner)= More traditional but open minded. now struggling, really struggling, with sharing my time and me
I was brutally honest from the beginning. I told him I had no interest in a lifelong monogamous relationship, I like/need to be able to move/travel and have my own life. He said ok.
The first four years of our relationship were monogamous, (we opened our relationship a year and a half ago). I didn't work or really have any outside activities or make any moves to look for an outside relationship. This was due to lack of funds, free time and caring for young children. But due to our current struggles, more on that later, it appears he liked it that way. From our conversations, both early and over the last few years, it seems that he didn't really take me seriously. Its not that he wasn't listening or disregarding me, just that it didn't expect it to be a problem.
So now here we are, a year after opening our relationship and me starting to get out on my own and he is struggling and breaking down. I can't give him all of me, and I don't know that what I can give will be enough. I have always been honest about who I was and had a fairly good idea of who he was. I am hoping these are just growing pains and that we can both have what we need/want without the other feeling betrayed. We are working on it, so we'll see.
sorry for side tracking, just wanted to say I understood.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:57 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.

Last edited by Perks; 08-15-2012 at 06:01 PM.
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:18 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Perks View Post
Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship.
This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).
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Old 08-15-2012, 06:22 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This is not healthy and should be addressed with your marriage counselor. I can see not traveling for monetary concerns, but isolating yourself is never a good plan (although very common once kids enter the picture, there is only so much time in a day).
It could be that they moved and she had to give up all three. It could be a number of things. We should let Perks explain before we jump to the "your husband owns you like slave" line of thought.

(Not trying to call you out, just think we should let Perks elaborate more)
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  #7  
Old 08-15-2012, 06:42 PM
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Castalia Castalia is offline
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Originally Posted by Perks View Post
Castalia,

Yep same boat. Only I also gave up traveling, friends and my job to be in this relationship. Some days I get kinda mad at myself for allowing this to happen. (Totally my fault!) My husband gets 100% of my time. I only see my BF and the few friends I have in this town when my husband is at work.

Oh my god. I sound like property.
Oh man, this sounds so familiar. Unfortunately, sometimes we let go of the things we want or need because they are not understood or an option for the other party. We make a choice to do what is best for everyone else, even if it is at great costs to ourselves. It takes a very long time to unlearn these habits.
The problem with this is these things are always in us and have a tendency to jump up during inopportune times causing great distress to those around us.

Like Kylekat said "we all need to learn to be patient and communicate with our partners" but we also need to be aware of the pitfalls we put ourselves in just to avoid hurting others. There has to be some sort of balance.
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  #8  
Old 08-15-2012, 11:11 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Wow people post fast on here! Thank you everyone for your comments.

I was trying to make my original post short and to the point but I guess I should explain things a bit better.

Yes I moved to be with him. I gave up things so I could have him in my life full time. It has been hard for me to make new friends and I don't have a lot of support from him due to his independent nature.

He does not communicate. How can I make/force someone open up? (you can't) I've been trying for years to find a way and nothing seems to work. I try to offer other ways for him to express himself and he is like a brick wall. I've been open and talk to him about this topic (poly) and other issues all the time. After five years of asking, "Are you ok? What's going on? How are you feeling?" about every single thing we do together as a couple and as individuals takes its toll. Sorry if I seem a little frustrated and rushed. We pay for therapy every week so we can have the same conversation over and over. I've had it at this point. I can't continue to put ALL of my life goals on hold (have no life/friends, job, etc.) because he likes it better that way. (I know our main problem is much deeper than just the poly issue. Sorry to trail off poly topic but I just had to explain my situation.)

We do not have kids and we will not be having any. He has no friends and hates it when I ask him to make some. I see my friends one night a week for dinner and he hates to see me go. I only see my BF once a week for 3 hours while my husband works late. He has requested this setup so that it would not disrupt his time with me. Is this moving too fast? I feel if I move any slower I will turn into a snail.

I have been the person to compromise in this relationship. We talk about this in therapy every week. I put his needs and wants first and it can't always be that way. I could keep it up for a few years but it looks like I'm starting to feel the burn.

I want to express that I love my husband very very much. He sounds like nut ball when I type all this down but he really is a good person. And if anything I'm the crazy one. I've had a very out of the norm life and sometimes I let my body move forward without talking it over with my brain first.

Thanks again for all the helpful comments!
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  #9  
Old 08-15-2012, 05:45 PM
Perks Perks is offline
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Thank you for the reply.

Still in love. Totally.

I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.

GalaGirl I agree with you on every point you've made. I've talked his ear off with questions! The problem is this guy never talks or opens up. His only answer to anything I've asked him is, "I don't know". And he is like this about most things so my fear is this could go on for years. Last problem we had (unrelated to this topic) was 2 years ago and he still has not given me an answer!

He did not come to me with this new feeling he had. I knew that something was wrong and I pushed him about it till he cracked.

We go to therapy as well. He just isn't a talker. He is super super shy and hates talking about his personal life/stuff with anyone. (Actually, I think he even hates feeling feelings.)

I know that there is nothing I can do. He will figure out his feelings in his own time and I can only wait to see what happens.
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  #10  
Old 08-15-2012, 11:44 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I've given up a lot for this relationship (not just about this) and I don't think I could leave him even if he said no to poly. I'm in this till death.
Then you have no issue, as you've decided to take whatever he wants to dish out.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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