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Old 08-11-2012, 02:08 PM
Absolutzandra Absolutzandra is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7
Default Complicated situation..

So i am new to the poly world and it is something i have been interested in experiencing for a while now. I recently have entered into a mans life who has a pretty complication situation on his hands. He is married (separated, soon to be divorced) and has a woman on the side whom hes been cheating on his wife with for the past 7 years. His wife and he were mono. The woman he is with now, he is in love with, but they are not in any official relationship because she lives with her baby's father and she is not ready to leave the baby's father for him right now. One of those stay together for the kids kind of thing. So now he has brought me into the mix. We have a very sexual relationship. It was supposed to be friends with benefits but now we have some feelings involved. I have falleb in love with him. He always tells me how he likes me so much but cant love me because he loves this mother woman. I am okay with him not loving me back. I am working on unselfish love and it does not hurt me that he loves her and not me. I explained i am interested in polyamory. He said he doesnt like the idea, he only wants to be with one person. He said its fine if i see other people, because i told him its only fair because of his situation. His wife doesnt know about me or the other woman, and the other woman knows he is interested in me and told him he can do what he wants because they are not in a committed relationship.

The whole thing is crazy. I want to see other people so that i am not so focused on him. Because right now even tho we have not said it, it feels like we are in a relationship. We see each other every day and talk and text all day. Im happy with the situation and i dont mind the fact that he loves her and not me. I also am okay with the fact that he will eventually end things with me to be in a mono relationship with her. I just enjoy the time we spend together even though i know its not going to last. I just think i need to be more involved with other people, without ending the relationship and love i have for him. Its just hard to find people who are into the poly thing. I dont know many people who have that lifestyle. I guess ijust dont know where to go from here.
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Old 08-12-2012, 02:54 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,071

I guess I don't get why you aren't seeing other people? You want to, he doesn't care. So, go see other people...

I also don't get why you stay. He doesn't love you and never will. He's involved in not one but two completely messed up relationships. He cheats. He wants to be monogamous but completely sucks at it. (Don't think so? Read over your descriptions of his other relationships.) If he wanted to really be monogamous, he would be.

Unselfish love doesn't mean doormat. You deserve a real relationship (or two or three!) with people who love you and want to be with you, not fuck you on the side. You deserve better.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:13 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,967

Gotta agree with opalescent.

I'd end it. This being in love thing so early on? That's just brain chemistry. Hormone cascade giving you the crush / NRE high. It's the neuroscience of falling in love -- you can Google that.

It's fun to feel. Don't get me wrong.

But basically you have a dead end street there. Which by itself is not a bad thing -- you can go into a polyship knowing it's got a time clock attached. Like the person has to move in 6 mos overseas for work or something and neither wants a long distance rship so you enjoy it while it lasts.

But THIS? This is a man who has CHEATED on his wife for 7 years with a woman who has a baby by another man and cheats on HIM for that long. Who is happy to string you along.

You want to roll with a rat's nest of cheaters? What do they lie to YOU about? Safe sex? Cooties? OTHER people in the mix?

Ew. Not ethical at all.

I'm sorry if that's Hard to Hear. But polamory is a not about throwing your ethics to the winds. You deserve ethical, nurturing, loving polyships that FEED you, not DRAIN you.

Just because this man is willing to have "a" polyship -- that's no reason to just date him. Elevate the bar to having an ethical polyship.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-12-2012 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 08-12-2012, 12:46 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have people around who love you and care for you. You deserve to be free from drama in your relationships, so that you can use them as a foundation for your own growth. You deserve to have people close to you who you can trust and rely on.

I'm not really sensing any of that in what you wrote.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:38 PM
Absolutzandra Absolutzandra is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 7

Well i am not looking for marriage or a long term relationship right now. I see each relationship in my life to be there for a reason. Although this is so unconventional, i dont feel like i am being used or taken advantage of. I have made the decision to continue seeing him even tho he has this web attatched to him.
I do trust him completely. I know he is a cheater, but i am okay that he sees other people. Even tho he has this love for the other woman, i dont feel like i get treated with any less care and respect. He is very kind and gentle. He is very sweet and loving towards me, even tho he cant say it.

As for loving him so early, ive actually known him for 2 years and just now we have started a sexual/romantic relationship.

My whole mind set on the thing is that i am very happy when i spend time with him, i care a lot about him, and he about me (he has actually cried and told me he really doesnt want to hurt me and he feels so badly about the situation.) i have always looked at relationships with the idea that it was going to be lifelong. Ive realized that people come and go in and out of our lives for a reason, and it doesnt have to be forever.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:58 PM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,293

Originally Posted by Absolutzandra View Post
I know he is a cheater, but i am okay that he sees other people.
How do the other people feel about him seeing you and/or each other?
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