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  #1  
Old 04-25-2010, 05:11 AM
Eni Eni is offline
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Default Being a mono secondary

First, the background; I got ennui with the dating scene and at some point managed to snare myself a girl (I'm gay) who was interested in being a Domme. I'm not sure what I was really thinking, considering I'm not exactly the casual sex type, but I just needed something good to happen for once. Anyway, she's poly and has a primary boyfriend.

We spent a lot of time emailing, and a while back we finally met and had dinner together. The thing that freaked me out about this was how much it felt like a date. This lady is extremely respectful of me, and I really appreciate that, but it does mean that even though the idea was a BDSM type deal some form of courtship is going to happen first, with some form of intimate relationship coming afterwards if said courtship is successful.

We're meeting again soon, and I've kind of gotten past the self-deception of "oh no, this isn't dating, this isn't relationship, this is something other". I mean, seriously, who am I kidding? This is dating. It may not be the monogamous kind of dating I'm used to, but it is. And it's not exactly unlikely that during the courtship more emotions start happening besides just trust and physical and platonic affection and intimacy.

Is there any way this can end besides in tears? I don't think I'm cut out for being poly, and I'm certainly not going to be completely fulfilled being a secondary. Maybe it's better to pull the plug on this whole thing before it can go somewhere bad, because even though this could work out great for me - getting intimacy while I'm "single" to the world - what would happen to her if I did find a partner? I don't want to treat her as disposable, just like I wouldn't want to be treated that way, but my dating life is complicated enough already without adding "...oh yeah and I have a Domme partner on the side, I hope that's okay?".

Thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 04-25-2010, 09:42 AM
kamala kamala is offline
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I think sometimes you just have to take the love and affection that you get from this world in the form it comes to you...?

You seem to be hesitant to go down this road with this new woman, because it will threaten an imagined possible (monogamous) future... but there's something in you that's brought you this far already

Will it end in tears? I like to think the possibility of that is as high or maybe only slightly higher than if it was a more conventional setup. Why not give the whole thing a try, and if in a while your intuition is still telling you to run, then at least you know you tried
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Old 04-25-2010, 01:47 PM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Quote:
...what would happen to her if I did find a partner?
If you met another partner who was open to poly, then your current potential partner ought to be good with sharing you. Fairness is pretty important to poly relationships: if she gets other partners, then her partners have that possibility too.

If you mean that you would become monogamous, then it would be possible that she would be hurt. It's also possible that she would wish you well, hope for your happiness, and remain a friend. Isn't that true?

Why don't you ask her?!? It's great when people show they're thoughtful enough to consider their potential partner's future and their happiness!

Rather than over-think the issue on your own, I might tentatively suggest you open up to the girl and her primary. Ask them what they think, how they would feel if you became involved with them and then later fell in love with someone else.

I'm a secondary and my poly GF is very sweet about this issue. When I talk about meeting a particular woman and needing to manage the friendship so that no one gets unrealistic expectations and hence gets hurt, she says "Well, Don, but you can't control your feelings. If you fall in love with her you can't just shut that down." So what she's saying is, if I fall in love with someone else she will understand. Of course she is a rare gem but really I think many poly people have that kind of understanding.

Don't burn your bridges before you even cross them! Good luck.
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Old 04-25-2010, 02:06 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
.....................
I'm a secondary and my poly GF is very sweet about this issue. When I talk about meeting a particular woman and needing to manage the friendship so that no one gets unrealistic expectations and hence gets hurt, she says "Well, Don, but you can't control your feelings. If you fall in love with her you can't just shut that down." So what she's saying is, if I fall in love with someone else she will understand. Of course she is a rare gem but really I think many poly people have that kind of understanding.

Don't burn your bridges before you even cross them! Good luck.
I think this is well said !

Although it's NOT always the case (because of inexperience etc), one hopes that people who have done some serious work studying poly concepts and have made a conscious choice to live that life are somewhat better prepared for the realities involved.
Better, more open communication
The acknowledged going in that shit can happen.
Emotions ARE involved.

Like jumping into water we don't know the depth of. We know there's risk involved. We MAY get busted up some. We may not. But if we do, it may not hurt less, but we're likely to heal faster. It was an informed choice we made.

GS
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  #5  
Old 04-25-2010, 11:51 PM
Eni Eni is offline
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Thanks for the replies. It's nice to actually hear some encouraging words on the subject. After I met her I started getting quite a bit of not-quite-outright-stated disapproval from my friends. Unavoidable, since I had a friend with me when I met her for safety.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kamala View Post
You seem to be hesitant to go down this road with this new woman, because it will threaten an imagined possible (monogamous) future... but there's something in you that's brought you this far already
This is definitely true. I knew about this from the beginning and I still pursued it this far. I guess a lot of it is that I've never been the person to dodge the unconventional or even hazardous if it could give me a shot at being a happier person. So I don't really want to pull the plug, but I can only take so much peer negativity before it starts affecting me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
If you mean that you would become monogamous, then it would be possible that she would be hurt. It's also possible that she would wish you well, hope for your happiness, and remain a friend. Isn't that true?
That's kinda what I was going for. I suppose her being understanding is a possibility, but it'd still be pretty hurtful. On the other hand I guess I can't exactly exclude meeting someone who'd be okay with me continuing with her. But being gay certainly makes the pond smaller enough without adding "poly" to the list of requirements.

Discussing this with her seems like it'd be too early to the point of being offputting. I did mention that I'm mono and if emotions got involved that could get complicated, she said if that happened we'd have to have a long talk. Which I suppose is good enough for me for now.

So I have an additional question. If the thought of a hypothetical future where I have some form of relationship with this lady and also a primary partner of my own doesn't sound that bad to me, does that mean I might be less mono than I thought?
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  #6  
Old 04-26-2010, 01:55 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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"I did mention that I'm mono and if emotions got involved that could get complicated, she said if that happened we'd have to have a long talk."

Do you think it might be possible she thought you meant that as a mono-oriented guy it would be her relationship with her primary partner which would complicate emotions? It may be she was misunderstanding why you were making the comment. Or not. I wasn't there...

I can see your point about jumping in with questions before the friendship is even fledged, let alone before it takes wing. Your judgment is best.

Imagining how it might be... It's hard to know how that relates to reality, isn't it? I think that in fantasies our emotions are under control but in the real world they do not stay under our thumb.

So that you can imagine being in a poly relationship is a sign that it might be possible for you. But if the situation becomes real, then emotions you had not imagined may appear. Or you may find that the relationships feel natural and normal. I suppose no one can guess how your shoes will fit. You are the only one to know.
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  #7  
Old 06-11-2010, 01:25 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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First of all, thanks for the story. "I'm gay and think of myself as monogamous, but am actually sort-of kind-of dating a poly- domme" sounds a lot more like my life and circle of friends than a lot of questions that we get around here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eni View Post
But being gay certainly makes the pond smaller enough without adding "poly" to the list of requirements...

So I have an additional question. If the thought of a hypothetical future where I have some form of relationship with this lady and also a primary partner of my own doesn't sound that bad to me, does that mean I might be less mono than I thought?
Yes, that means that you're less mono- than you thought. And some gay guys are, in fact, going to be sort of squicked by the idea. But, really, this story is actually kind of sweet, and says something about who you are and how your sexuality works, and do you really want to date guys who are squicked by that?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eni View Post
I think I'm going to lay my cards out on the table and trust her, cause she's given me every reason to. Tell her that I really like her, enjoy spending time with her, find her attractive and I want to keep seeing her, but I'm scared because she's poly. Maybe I misinterpreted, and she doesn't like me that way. But she deserves my honesty, to know where I stand. I don't want to hurt her anymore by keeping her out.

Should I feel terrified?
I suspect that the terror is coming from learning even more outside-of-the-mainstream things about how your sexuality works, and what you'd like in your life than it is about jitters because you're crushing on someone. Might be wrong, though; crushing on someone is sometimes pretty scary.

Anyways, yes; have that conversation. I'd be willing to bet that it's going to go well. A bad first scene, just like bad first sex, isn't really a predictor of how a relationship can develop. Further, I wouldn't be surprised that the poly- thing turns out to be less of a big deal for you than you think it will be.
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