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  #1  
Old 08-09-2012, 05:16 PM
Wolfwood Wolfwood is offline
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Default A question for female secondaries

Okay, my main question is, "at what point did your SO tell you about his primary poly relationship?" My primary-girlfriend (Kemie) and I have differing opinions on when it is proper to discuss this. I don't always feel the need to share intimate details of my private life on a first date with a girl. In fact, I tend to refrain from giving too many details unless I get the feeling it could turn into something more serious. My girlfriend, on the other hand, takes the opposite approach and lets guys know before any dating ever happens. I am looking for some real world examples of how other poly guys approach dating, specifically from a female perspective. So, without further ado, here are my questions:

Did you know your SO before you started dating?
At what point did he tell you about his primary relationship and was it before you both slept together?
Did you meet his primary relationship and, if so, at what point in the relationship did you meet them?

I'd like as many real examples I can get. I specifically want to hear from people who met their SO while online dating (I met most of my non-primary relationships via online dating). I've also been known to pick-up girls in bars and other social events.

If guys would like to chime in on how they approach meeting and dating secondaries, then that would also be helpful. What are your success stories?

Thank you for your time!

-Wolf (primary of Kemie)
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  #2  
Old 08-09-2012, 06:45 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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In online dating, it seems pretty common for the man to be fully upfront about the fact that he has a primary partner. I've seen many profiles where the man states clearly that he is married or has a primary girlfriend.

I was specifically searching for non-monogamous men when I encountered these profiles. Or, if the profiles belonged to men who messaged me first, they were drawn to my profile because I state that I am ethically non-monogamous.

I would want anyone I go on a date with to be immediately clear that they have a primary partner. I can't imagine why that would NOT come up on a first date? It seems slightly deceitful not to mention it.

I suppose that in terms of casual dating and dating around, non-exclusivity is the default state and it is assumed that everyone is seeing others. My approach to poly does kind of come from that style of dating--I would assume that anyone I meet is probably involved with someone else, at least casually.

But NOT everyone is coming from that perspective--so why not just be clear about it from the get-go?

Particularly with online dating. I mean, your ultimate goal is to find someone who accepts and understands your primary relationship, right? So why not openly seek someone on those terms?

I do understand that if you pick someone up at a party or something, the expectations are casual so maybe you don't have to say that you have a primary partner. But what would be the advantages of omitting that information?

Fyi, I'm happily single and NOT looking for someone to be my primary partner. I would be very comfortable with someone telling me they had a primary partner right away. I would NOT be comfortable with finding out later (i.e., the next morning or on a later date) that they have a primary partner and omitting telling me right away.
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  #3  
Old 08-09-2012, 07:38 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is online now
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I met Punk on OKCupid. We are each other's secondaries, and we both stated in our profiles that we have other loves (my BF, his wife). His profile is linked to his wife's profile; I have photos of my with Fly on mine.

I met his wife on our second date, before we had sex. He met my BF a couple months in (Fly would rather not meet my loves and lovers at all if he can help it ).

I would be royally pissed if someone went on a date(s) with me and didn't tell me they have a primary partner. Actually, there probably wouldn't be anymore dates, because this wouldn't be someone I could trust to be honest and up-front with me in the future. To me, there's a big difference between dating around and having a SO.

Just my $0.02
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  #4  
Old 08-09-2012, 09:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I dunno if you want my experience. I met my BF1 locally. I met my BF2 online. (I ended up as the hinge later.) And since I'd started dating BF1 first and he was local, he was first and "primary" then. (Don't really use those terms, but I'll play.)

Did you know your SO before you started dating?

I was the SO. BF2 did not know me. We met online. Total strangers. Not like we were friends first in another context. BF1 and I were friends first.

At what point did he tell you about his primary relationship and was it before you both slept together?

I told him right off the bat. I had a squeeze but I was not exclusive. He was fine with it. Anyone else I dated needed to be on board. Otherwise better not to date me and just keep it at friends.

And to know this about me if he was thinking of wanting to date me. I wanted him to know how I roll and all the goods from the get go so he wouldn't feel like he was wasting his time on a poor return for his investment. He has to right to seek what he wants in rship, and the clearer the goods in my front window, the better for all concerned.

This was well before we slept together. It was before the date!

Did you meet his primary relationship and, if so, at what point in the relationship did you meet them?

Nope. They knew each other existed, I swapped the names, phone numbers, emails. Then I left it to them to arrange whatever they wanted on their meta tier. They left it at polite metas who might exchange brief emails once in a great while. They kept themselves pretty separate though.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-09-2012 at 09:48 PM.
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  #5  
Old 08-09-2012, 09:44 PM
Wolfwood Wolfwood is offline
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@Meera - To be clear, I never lie and I strongly imply I am seeing other people on first dates. However, I don't volunteer more information then that unless a girl asks. Mostly they ask for details by the second date, so it's rarely even an issue. The main reason I don't make a point to tell is that some girls just don't want to know. Not everyone I date is looking for something serious. I'm perfectly happy to accommodate a non-serious, occasional FWB's situation. Until I know what a girl is looking for, I don't typically volunteer specific details about my love life.

@Rainy - Thanks, that's exactly the kind of experience I'm interested in hearing about. In your case you were already interested in poly. I doubt that will be the case for most of the women I meet. I'm very curious what the best, and ethically sound, way to introduce new dates to poly. I'm fairly sure that most women consider discretion to be a virtue in a man, so I'm not really at the point where I want to add the poly-label to my profile. I also freely admit that my attitude on this may change once my girlfriend and I move in together.

Anyway, keep the stories coming. =)

-Wolf
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  #6  
Old 08-09-2012, 09:58 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Have you tried doing a search? There are many, many threads on this topic already, so you will probably find lots of good info. You can try a tag search for "dating" as a start, get a little creative with the advanced search, and also visit the Golden Nuggets forum for the sticky called "Other Threads Worth Reading."
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #7  
Old 08-09-2012, 10:15 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Wendigo and I are each other's secondaries. I met him though my husband and our mutual friends and have always know he was married. Infact the firs time I met him was at the apartment his brother in law was sharing with a mutual friend. We were friends for a couple years before we got together and I saw his wife in passing when we gave him rides to our boffer LARP, but we didn't actually meet and start conversing until Wendigo and I had been dating for a couple of months as she is very much an introvert and going out to dinner once or twice a year is about as social as she gets.

Runic Wolf's last girlfriend he met on OK cupid and she is a member of our local poly community so telling her he was married was easy. She and I still talk occasionally.
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  #8  
Old 08-09-2012, 10:22 PM
Wolfwood Wolfwood is offline
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Nyc, it's actually not a particularly easy subject to search for. I have read most of the posts in the "Other Threads Worth Reading", cannot recall seeing a topic like this. I'm sure I could read through the many, many first person accounts of relationships on this site looking for the details I want, but I thought like this would be quicker. If you can come up with some better search terms than I can, I'd be happy to check out any threads you can dig up. =)

I am a long-timer lurker on this site. I just don't post here that often because this is mainly my girlfriend's forum (although she has not posted here in awhile). Also, I have my own guy-specific forums that I typically post on. I just wanted a broader range of opinion for this particular question.

-Wolf
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  #9  
Old 08-11-2012, 04:38 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfwood View Post
Okay, my main question is, "at what point did your SO tell you about his primary poly relationship?"
I met them together and found out right then and there. It was pretty much, "So, the lady you're here with...?" "Yeah, my partner." "Cool!"

Then we emailed back and forth for a bit, and THEN I asked him if he fancied me.

We even had a dinner out all three together before anything happened in a couple setting, just to discuss.
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  #10  
Old 08-13-2012, 12:02 AM
mercury mercury is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wolfwood View Post
Okay, my main question is, "at what point did your SO tell you about his primary poly relationship?" My primary-girlfriend (Kemie) and I have differing opinions on when it is proper to discuss this. I don't always feel the need to share intimate details of my private life on a first date with a girl. In fact, I tend to refrain from giving too many details unless I get the feeling it could turn into something more serious. My girlfriend, on the other hand, takes the opposite approach and lets guys know before any dating ever happens. I am looking for some real world examples of how other poly guys approach dating, specifically from a female perspective. So, without further ado, here are my questions:

Did you know your SO before you started dating?
At what point did he tell you about his primary relationship and was it before you both slept together?
Did you meet his primary relationship and, if so, at what point in the relationship did you meet them?

I'd like as many real examples I can get. I specifically want to hear from people who met their SO while online dating (I met most of my non-primary relationships via online dating). I've also been known to pick-up girls in bars and other social events.

If guys would like to chime in on how they approach meeting and dating secondaries, then that would also be helpful. What are your success stories?

Thank you for your time!

-Wolf (primary of Kemie)
I was a female secondary, and here's how it went down. We met on a dating site. He had himself listed as single and straight. There was absolutely no trace of his being in an open relationship on his profile. He and I talked online for two weeks, then he pushed for a coffee meeting. I said okay. Just before we went on it, though, I found out from a random look at a distant acquaintance's Facebook page that he was with her, was her boyfriend. On the phone just before our first date, I asked him about it. "Are you in a relationship with ____? Is it that you guys are in an open relationship?"

He said yes, they are, and that their plan was to tell dates on the first date. I have no way of knowing if that is true or not. It seems a reasonable plan, but you know, for all I know, he wasn't going to tell me for several dates, and only just told me because I found out beforehand.

I think what he did was okay (if he was in fact going to tell me on the first date, first thing). But NO LATER THAN THAT. Mind you, and that's only because our first date was within two weeks. I would never wait for beyond two weeks to tell someone something like that.

And technically, I think one should just have it on their profile in the first place. Don't waste people's time with your semblance of singleness when you're actually in an open relationship.

I've noticed that he's since changed his profile to reflect that he's in an open relationship. However, it is way, way down at the bottom of his page. There is tons of information about him that comes way before that last paragraph that says he's in an open relationship. I think most women aren't seeing it.

I happen to know that there was a girl talking to him recently who didn't know he was in an open relationship. She was told so by a friend of hers, and then she went back to this profile and saw it and said "Okay...no."

Not only should one mention it on one's online profile, but it should be at the top, where people will see it.

I think what it is, is that some poly/open people think they can talk people into the situation if they can just get an in-person date. And that's not a bad approach, really.

What happened in my situation is that I said "no thanks" after I found out he was in an open relationship, but then he said "I mean, we could just meet for coffee as friends..."

And he and I ended up hitting it off. It wasn't so much that he was irresistable or anything, though (however, he was very cute); I was also in a place of trying to get over a guy from before him. So I almost didn't care that I was getting into a messy situation; anything to get over the guy from before.

All this being said, I think people need to mention it right away. Most people can make the most objective decision before they even have a full date with you. If you're trying to lure them in with your personality and sex appeal, it may work (and that's to your credit), but I think it'd be more ethical for a poly person to just let the person make a decision based on whether they think poly is for them or not, completely free from your charms/sex appeal.

Last edited by mercury; 08-13-2012 at 12:08 AM.
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