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Old 08-09-2012, 01:30 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default BF expresses interest in close friend. I feel weird..

So, my boyfriend C met one of my close friends the other day and today sends me an email saying that he really liked her and asking me how I would feel if he 'got to know her better'.

I replied and said friendship would be perfectly fine, dating would feel like an awkward mixing of connections to me. You know, since he asked...
The thing is, I have a husband and another BF, and I really don't feel I'm in the position to deny him a possible relationship with anybody. But, the thought that he would get involved with her makes me feel very, very weird.

Not so much jealousy for where he's concerned, I suppose I'm more worried about my friendship with her. We're pretty close, and share lots of intimate details about our lives (she's one of the very few people I talk to about my sex life). The thought of the 2 of them being intimate just makes me feel.... weird!
Now, because I know her pretty well, I'm quite sure that he's not her type. But, it seems dangerous to count on this, and I feel like I should be prepared for the fact that she might be interested. (She's been in poly-ish relationships before, the poly part would not bother her I think, although the fact that I am the part of the poly situation will possibly bother her).

So far, I did nothing but tell him 'that would probably be uncomfortable but I won't stand in your way' and gave him her email address (and told her that I did). I also asked him to keep me informed... I speak to her fairly often, and I really wouldn't like it if I heard something from her that I would have rather heard from him. But, even with that I have a hard time deciding where my loyalty lies!

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? Could you move past the weirdness? Did it affect the friendship?
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:03 PM
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Mya Mya is offline
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I don't have any other boundaries outside safer sex stuff than this one, my friends. I feel exactly like you do. I would be worried about the friendship. I admit it, it would bother me a lot if my partner dated my close friend. This is a boundary I'm willing to negotiate though, and in the end I probably wouldn't stand in the way of their relationship if that's something they both really wanted. But man, it would be so hard for me. I haven't been in your situation, but just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in your thoughts/feelings about this.
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:09 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks Mya. I don't feel good about setting a boundary about this, but I think it's mainly because I have so many loves and he has only one...
Ah well I'll just keep my fingers crossed that indeed I know her well enough and she's not attracted to him

If it were my husband expressing an interest, I would very firmly tell him not to go there!
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:13 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Actually I am just realizing something else that's bothering me about it. In the past I have been worried that he might be too dependant on me. And while the fact that he's expressing interest in someone other than me should give me the opposite feeling, the fact that he chooses someone who is so intricately connected with my life, gives me the vibe that he is too dependant... the very silly childish feeling: why can't he find someone on his own?

Ugh... just when I thought my poly ship was in calmer water, another little storm comes up...
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Old 08-09-2012, 02:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Look, if it is bugging you that much, just be honest and say "NO. I'm not down with that because I'm worried it would weird out the friendship I have with her. I'm already worried you are too dependent on me."

Or if you are willing to entertain a discussion (that means discuss, not automatically say "yes!" could still be "no!") say THAT. "I'm not crazy about it. I am worried it would weird out the friendship I have with her. You picking someone so close to me worries me that you are too dependent on me. You can see if she's even interested. If not, it doesn't matter. If yes, then I'm willing to discuss it. But it could mean we end if you guys decide to date and I'm still weird feeling. I would try to remain friends if so."

Just grab the bull by the horns.

You have the responsibility to know and state your wants, needs, and limits.

GG
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Old 08-10-2012, 01:20 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
the fact that he chooses someone who is so intricately connected with my life, gives me the vibe that he is too dependant... the very silly childish feeling: why can't he find someone on his own?
When you say too dependent, do you mean too dependent on you? If so, isn't your friend a different person than you? Could it be that you feel that these two people know you really well, so if they get together and talk about you a lot, both of them will know way too much about you?
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Old 08-10-2012, 01:29 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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OTOH - MrS and Dude were best friends before I got involved with Dude. While I think this did contribute to the upheaval of our early relationship contretemps (i.e. the mistakes I made) ultimately I think that they fact that they are best friends is what has made their metamour relationship so strong.

Big Risk, Big Reward.

I think, though I do not know, that I would prefer the boys pursue women that I am already friends with or COULD be friends with (a limited pool of women - I don't like most people). At least I think that there would be a better chance that she would consider my feelings carefully as well - because she likes me as a person in my own right as her friend...interesting to contemplate...

JaneQ
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SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
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  #8  
Old 08-10-2012, 07:00 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
When you say too dependent, do you mean too dependent on you? If so, isn't your friend a different person than you? Could it be that you feel that these two people know you really well, so if they get together and talk about you a lot, both of them will know way too much about you?
I guess I mean too dependent on me and my life.. I have very busy and active social life, he, not so much. He just went through a divorce and has 2 kids. I don't have kids and a lot of friends and lots of freedom.

Hm, I don't think I would mind them talking about me.. I suppose I would even kind of like that thought.... but as friends, not lovers...
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Last edited by Cleo; 08-10-2012 at 07:05 AM.
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  #9  
Old 08-11-2012, 03:55 PM
naturegeek83 naturegeek83 is offline
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Default A metamour you trust is a good thing.

I don't have a lot of experience with poly at this point, but the one huge horrible thing that has happened to me was having a hateful metamour. I don't even think she meant to be hateful, but it developed pretty strong, pretty fast, and ended a really great relationship.

Now my husband is dating one of my close friends. I think it's great because I don't have to worry that she will turn all bloody mary on me and try to sabatoge our relationship. I don't have to worry that this random person is getting a lot of private details and judging them, because she's my friend. She has a few years of knowing me and won't immediately judge things wrong, cause a problem in my relationship, or send me weird angry emails. I think close friends are the way to go. Just a thought.
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