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Old 04-24-2010, 05:46 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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Unhappy How did you tell people?

My family doesn't know. not sure if telling my parents with them being sick is the best idea. I've told 5 of my friends, the ones I'm closest to. One is a bit shocked but will come around. we've been through enough to get through this. 2 pretty much called me the same things I've heard when I tell people I'm bi. I'm a slut, I'm greedy, I'm going to hell, I'm a bad person, I'm selfish. then the other 2 were so incredible. J never missed a beat saying he was going to support me. He said that he's pretty sure this will suit me as I have so much love that's just waiting to be let out. and M is apparently poly herself. She never told me because she wasn't sure how to. So she's telling me her story and we're bonding. My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?
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Old 04-24-2010, 06:39 PM
otter otter is offline
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IMO
I do not think you should tell others. What goes on in in your love life is just between you and your lover/s. What folks think about it is there problem not yours.
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Old 04-24-2010, 06:57 PM
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Have you done a search on here for tagged threads about coming out? There are quite a few. Perhaps if you read the thread Mono started about our coming out story it would help? Its entitled "redpepper needs help."

I think there is merit to coming out, but wouldn't advice it in the throws of NRE. There is so much at stake then and the relationship is not on solid footing. I had to come out, but if I had it another way I would of waited until we were more established and comitted to our family, as we are now. If poly is your dating style and outsiders see you as a single person playing the field, then I would air on the side of letting them think that until such time as it becomes painfully obvious its more than that or there is someone, or someones worth talking about because you know they will be around for awhile. Mainsteam culture understands that better it seems. Length of time equals level of commitment.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2010 at 07:38 PM.
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Old 04-24-2010, 07:06 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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I wasn't aware that I could do a search like that. I'll do that now. I wanted to tell my closest friends. I needed to. these were people I thought I could open up to. I'm lucky that I have the 3 that will support me and now I have you guys

Last edited by redpepper; 04-24-2010 at 07:38 PM.
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Old 04-24-2010, 09:20 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Are you talking about coming out

"hey I am poly/open and accept other partners"

or

"hey this is bob, he is my secondary etc"

Officially I am open to almost everyone, most people know i am in an open relationship, even some (lets say 50%) of my family. I won't start talking about a potential partner until we are past that initial dating stage. Same when I was single, I did not introduce my family to gf's in the first part of the relationships then either.......

When my wife gets called a "slut"...she says thank you...as an fyi
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Old 04-24-2010, 09:46 PM
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southerndreams southerndreams is offline
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I may have to try the thank you thing. it's easy when it's a stranger...I can shrug it off. when it's someone that I've known for years, that has seen me at my worst, who KNOWS better...that's when it hurts. These were friends...people I trusted.
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Old 04-25-2010, 02:38 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?
They quickly leave my life. More properly, I quickly escort them out of my life. I don't need them around, so I don't have them around.

My mother learned that lesson years ago. I walked away from her when she was being most disagreeable and simply had no contact with her. Months later, my brother approached me to tell me she wanted me to visit as she was sorry to have upset me. She's been just fine since then, despite getting crankier and more judgmental of other people in her old age.

I figure folks have to do right by me to be part of my life. If they choose otherwise, then I know they don't want to be part of my life.
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Old 04-26-2010, 07:21 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southerndreams View Post
My question: how do you deal with the people who refuse to support you or accept you for who you are?

simple answer - I don't, when it becomes obvious they can't handle the real me, then I simply either find the least painful quickest way to not have them in my life, or I assume the "glamour" I wore before opening up to them and simply "be whom they can accept me as" if its important enough to keep them in my life

but i have a good, large support of some key family and friends who accept me, and many years ago I made the decision to be as up front as possible, which usually goes like this "Hi I'm me, I'm married, bisexual, polyamorous." now, this new person can choose to appreciate my honesty and get to know me, or run screaming for the hills, but the ball is in their court. its quite refreshing to see how new people react to so bold an intro.
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Old 04-26-2010, 07:43 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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My concern in coming out to people is that all of a sudden all they'll see me as is poly and bi. Rather than the way they see me now where my personal life really has no bearing on any kind of day to day interactions. I don't want just one aspect of who I am to take dominance in people's minds when it comes to defining me. I find that I'm more comfortable being out to people who I know won't really take issue with it or at least who I can let go from my life fairly easily. It's a slow process with me and I'm fairly deliberate about who I tell. So far I haven't had a lot of negative reaction but then again I've avoided telling anyone from whom I expect that kind of reaction.

I keep thinking that who I love and chose to be in a relationship with shouldn't be political or even a topic of conversation. As long as everyone is happy and healthy and no one is being taken advantage of what's the problem?

-Derby
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Old 04-26-2010, 08:01 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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and Derby makes a great arguement, some folks are not interested in/don't feel the need to come out to everyone they know, that is definitely an option, bottom line you have to choose what feels right for you, do you want to be open with everyone? or just a certain few? its your decision, and yes sometimes someone turns out to be one of those who can't accept you, you hurt, you grieve over loosing them or what you once had with them and you move on

one of my friends whom i adore to pieces can not accept the real me, i know without a doubt in several comments he's made over the years, so i don't show him that part of me, it hurts sometimes, it is occasionally upsetting, but i enjoy him in my life the way he is now, if i show him that side of me, things will drastically change i've no doubt, so i choose to remain silent and accept what friendship he can give me
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