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Old 08-08-2012, 05:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Default GalaGirl: Conversations Already in Progress.

'Tis my thread. Welcome to my brain. It's conversations already in progress in here. You just jump in and try to keep up. If you can.

But I wanted to have a single thread to dump the things I write to other people's posts that I want to come back to think about some more. Or things I just want to think about "out loud."

I asked my husband if he'd be ok with that (because it could give strangers peeks into our world. And he ought to know who is peeking at his panties.)

His response amused me when I asked him over email if he would be ok with it is below. We talked about it in person and then let it sit a bit and I reconfirmed before starting the thread. First panty peeks at my DH and me? And how we interact in a closed polyship of 2? With a polyamorous wired Wife and a monoamorous wired Husband that is poly-friendly?

Quote:
Short answer: Yes.

Medium answer: Oh my, my! Oh Hell yes! Show those people your party dress!

Longer answer: Let's talk about it this evening. The risk is reasonably low to us and our family (though admittedly never non-existent) but I'm curious to see the direction you want to take this. I get off on you on so many levels. On the practical one I think you have a lot of non-muppet methodologies and ethics to share that I think others could greatly benefit from (and that particular slice of the world could use less Muppets).

On the "GalaGirl <---> Me" layer it shines a spotlight on the many ways we relate to one another that further Opens us to each other even if we never decide to Open to others. It also gives us experience trying these ideas and feelings on for size. Is this compersion, is this jealousy, how would I feel if you went out on a date (I've already been playgrounding that one), how would I feel about someone else tapping in to the whirlwind of energy that is you?

Of course on the pervy layer it appeals to my getting off on you exhibiting your panties for others to see and possibly get themselves off (you can't ignore the pervy layer, it's there after all).

Who knows, maybe getting a peak at your panties will feed someone else's relationship.

I love it when you get so wet that you spill all over,
-me

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 06:07 AM.
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  #2  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:00 AM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
he loves me how I am and I love him as he is. So we're happy.
This
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  #3  
Old 08-08-2012, 06:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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(excerpted and expanded from this thread.)

MY INTRODUCTION TO POLY

In high school I always felt simultaneous multi-crushes, intense ones. I had relationships with several boys that were close. We did not know what else to call it so we put it in the "sister-brother" bucket but I remember the most intense one SO was not brotherly in MY mind. Neither were the others. But... at that age you go with what feels safest in your public persona. Actually a lot of people just assumed I was dating one of the guys -- it was me and 3 other boys who were all friends together. And I would have dated them all at once if I could have.

Sometimes someone would be brave enough to ask "So what's UP with you and X, Y, and Z? Are you going out with one of them?" and I'd just smile and shrug and say "Nah. We're good friends."

We all dated others and danced around it -- me never formally dating ANY of the three I most wanted to date. I don't think I could have had a "V" in high school though much less a 3 man quad! But I did have a few of those non-date dates with 2 of them -- dances, and movies, and whatnot.

The strongest, oldest crush in that trio of boys did not confess his own feelings to me until much later when we were in colleges miles apart and it no longer was an emotional threat. He had the strongest pull for me of the trio even though I cared for them all. It was sweet, but a "Damn! what could have been?" moment when he told me he would have been open to it. We have not spoken in years and his life has taken turns I do not understand but to this day I still love him from afar and wish him well in his life. Even if he doesn't know it.

My actual public HS BF? I think of him fondly too. And wish him well. He hard a hard time coping with me being Me. I'm not mad about it despite the mess it became as we struggled to keep dating in college. I needed something he could not provide at that time of his development.

That's part of why I'm so stern/strict with my limits. I love for life. I'm dog loyal on that even when relationships move on and evolve to other forms or fade away. I just don't want to be THAT loyal to all and sundry.

In college I had the start of my unnamed "V" -- that's where it ended up at after I played the field a bit. Closing down to me as the hinge of an MFM "V" structure for a few years. It was sweet. One (my future DH) did not see anyone else. The other side, my ex OSO did and I totally encouraged him because he had the hardest leg with it being LDR. I told him to find a local Sweetie and not limit himself. I did not expect exclusive. For me it just naturally fell that way. I didn't want more than the 2, DH didn't want more than the one though he could exercise the option, and ex OSO kinda HAD to exercise the option or endure a very lonely existance in LDR with me. One year, it changed to both of them being LDR to me and at that time I wondered if I wanted to exercise my option to see a local sweetie third... but I didn't. My plate was full enough as it was.

At the time I was still ignorant about vocab. I did not even know the word "polyamory!" Much less "V" or being a "hinge" person. I just knew I wanted to live and love how I wanted to live and love and nobody was going to stop me. And I was going to do it up front, honest, and ethically. As best as I could with nothing but my instinct to help me -- resources for me were nonexistent. So help me, even if it killed me, or doomed all my relationships, I was just going to be me all the way across. Loving Hard.


Then I was married
and moving toward thinking of having a kid by the time the first edition of "Ethical Slut" rolled around. I was amused that it came too late for me. I was out of the dating pool!

Today? I've been in a closed polyship of 2 with DH for 16 yrs and we've been together almost 20. He was one of my college "V" arms. We're not at a place where we'd consider Opening again right now. Too much on our plates with kidcare, eldercare for aging parents, etc. But we talk a lot, and he knows how I'm wired and he loves me how I am and I love him as he is. So we're happy.

If opportunity comes to fly another polyship one more time... and we decide to take the flight? I think we'd be fine. It's been done before unnamed. Why would a Named one be different? We're still the us we are.

So my intro to poly? I'm not sure. It's always been kinda... there.

It's just been learning to roll with it and own it and live it.

I love hard. I live hard. I want to live my life full on fierce and in color and all the way out to the edges. Because I only get the one.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 06:18 AM.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON CHOOSING TO PARTNER WITH A MONO-POLY MISMATCH

(excerpt from this thread)

Quote:
I was in a rush. Sorry about that -- we use words differently. To clarify... to me?

"Monogamy, polygamy, polyfidelity, open, closed, triad, V, quad" -- those kinds of words are describing the relationship structures people could be in.

The desire for only one person to love romantically at a time to me is "monoamory." The desire to love many to me is "polyamory." I think there are some people internally wired for mono- and some wired for poly-. Just like some people are wired for fast or slow metabolism or whatever trait. They just come wired how they come.

"Monogamy" and words like that about relationship structures are more "society/culture" things than "biology" things to me though. A polyamorous wired person could choose to be in a monogamous relationship structure. A monoamorous person could choose to be in a "V" structure.

GG
I always seem to circle back to something I feel is a Truth for me.

I cannot help what I feel when I feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It just burbles up. I don't choose when it burbles. So just let it blow on through! Internal weather is only internal weather. So what? There's sunny days and stormy skies in there. And? It blows on through.

What I CAN control is how I choose to BEHAVE in response to that emotion.
  • I can choose to just REACT.
  • I can choose to ACT WITH INTENTION.
  • Even choosing to do NOTHING? That is a choice.
.

I can choose many ways to handle internal weather so that I move to sunny days faster. And I don't mind the stormy weather if it is navigated well. When else do you get rainbows? I love the bittersweet sweet moments. They can be so tender and dear.

But whatever choice I make? It's mine to choose. And I cannot escape the consequences of my choice.

I have to own my own baggage. Everyone has to own their own bag.

When DH and I first got together? I told him I was not seeking an exclusive thing. I wanted to see others and he could too. I remember that talk because it was on the side of the education building at our college campus. It was very much a relationship of the present - no pasts, no futures. Friends, with benefits. I chose to offer him that type relationship, he chose to sign up.

We hit other crossroads and kept on choosing each other. When he had to move cities and it became an LDR thing. When I asked him to move back and move in with me. And it became a cohabitating with a roomie thing. When I asked him to choose to just be us without a roomie, to marry. When we chose to move to again, to a time/space where children could come on board too. We chose to have our kid.

It amazes me we've been together pretty much ever since those first encounters where we became friends. Changing the agreement for how to be together as needed as we kept growing and evolving in ourselves and not just in our relationship to each other. Choosing to be flexible and choosing to grow together as well as on our own.

Today? DH and I have an agreement to stay closed throughout active parenting stage of our life. I am going to stick with that. This I choose to do. This he chooses to do too. We hold up our ends of all sticks in our agreement for how we choose to be together. When it comes time to reassess, we do that.

Actually, that's one of our favorite quotes. The Tiffany Aching character thinks to herself --
Quote:
“This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”

― Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith
I am glad we choose (despite the mono-poly mismatch thing) to keep it real and keep it sane. To choose to act with intention most of the time. For 19 years and counting? The major fights we've had? I can count on the fingers of one hand. Pretty good record for being friends, then lovers, then spouses, and then co-parenting. There have been many joys and many maddening moments, but we keep on choosing to keep it real and keep it sane with each other at least, even if figuring out how to weather the next thing that came up takes a few stabs to solve.

I'm so glad we chose each other, and that we just choose to get along well.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-08-2012 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 08-08-2012, 08:46 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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LMAO! I LOVE that first post-haven't gotten further (yet).
BUT OMG! You two are awesome!
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Old 08-10-2012, 03:54 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON MONO-POLY RSHIP COMPATABILITY PT 1: Polywired Person Wanting to be Understood

(This is FIVE long excerpts from this thread.)

Not too sure how to condense it and I'm really tired today so I'll just lift and plop so I can think about it with DH some more later. Just sorta roughly organized.


--------------

I can only speak from my experience.

Quote:
Quote:
Is poly something that is SO innate, like homosexuality or breathing, something you HAVE to do, not something you can choose to do, like quit smoking or eat less, exercise more?
I am polywired.
Whether I am single and in the polyship of 1 -- just me!
Or like now -- the married closed polyship of 2.
Or like yesteryear -- the dating polyship of 3.


Still poly all those times.


Quote:
Quote:
I also question the concept of choice for polyship when I hear 2 different viewpoints:

1. I met another person at work/the gym/church/etc and we have a connection that I'd love to explore.
2. I am poly and need to love more than one person, so I'm off to find another person to love. Is that really a need or a want?
Does not apply to me? (puzzled)

1) That is a want. I would perceeve this as someone asking their spouse to discuss if being allowed to explore is a possibility.

2) That is a need. Coupled with a break up -- because this person is not even asking the spouse for their input or comfort level. They are announcing just gonna GO. Kinda mean too and not kind with their feelings.

My current agreement with DH is marriage -- in a closed polyship of 2 while we're in active parenting mode. That was the agreement and we will stick to it. We have an annual "state of the union" near our anniversary to review what is working, what is not, etc. We're both content. I think if you have made an agreement, you FINISH the agreement before starting off on a new path. For some it may mean writing a new agreement for how to best be together. For others it might be breaking up.

I'm very fortunate in my DH. He is not Closed to parts of me. He is Open to all of me. And for this I love him so.

My mono-BF1 (now my DH) and mono-BF2 knew before dating me I was poly. So there was no struggle of not having known. And it suddenly changing on 'em later. When we got married, DH and I had no struggles with a "mono spouse vs poly spouse" dynamic. Because he knew all this well before hand. It was "mono spouse AND poly spouse" from the get go.

I think it is harder for people who marry and then come to terms with their poly side after the marriage has already begun. Maybe they don't realize polyamory has a name until much later or something. Or maybe it is the marriage that makes them finally realize -- "wait.... this isn't it!" Then the struggle to cope.

It's entirely possible for poly me to be happy in a closed married polyship of 2. I've been here for more than a 15 yrs since BF2 and I parted ways amicably. And I am happy, loved, and content.

Why? Because I can be the authentic me and nothing is hidden. Periodically I'll pop up with some poly wonderings, readings, or musings and mono DH shares the thoughts with me and that satisfies me. The exchange of ideas in calm fashion. That I am loved as I am, authentically. There's no panic or freak out on his end. He knew it going in and he's lived with me this long and he KNOWS I'm not going anywhere so he's secure with me.

He likes to yank my chain when I announce I have a new crush (I never tell the crush person though-- we are closed) and I like being teased and I like crushing from a distance. It's flirty and fun for DH and I and our bond is tight so we can enjoy that sort of titillating banter.

Maybe that's the partial crux in other marriages? The poly person is not free to be their authentic selves with the mono spouse? I'm not talking about free to date. I mean free to express their poly thoughts? And not have the spouse wig out and rage at them?

Because it's like... if my mono DH says he loves me, all of me, just as I am? How much all of me is he really loving if I cannot even express my polyside thoughts to him -- my life partner? Without him having a conniption?

I don't want to leave him. I don't want to betray our agreements. But I do want to be able to talk to him about my inner self, my ideas, my crushes, my STUFF.

Doesn't he want to know me? All of me? Or does he just want to love a sanitized version of me that meets his approval or is easier to digest?

Who does that leave me to talk to then to create emotional intimacy and bond and all that other good married stuff? Cuz he's the one I'm married to?

For us in marriage, the mono DH OPENS up to share poly thoughts, ideas, books, etc. The poly wife CLOSES to a polyship of 2. That's been our happy medium place and it satisfies. If we choose to Re-Open later, it's coming from an informed, "been here before" type place and years of talk.

We've agreed that if both are not on board, it's fine to carry on as just as we are. I'm not lacking anything. Because I can be authentic in my relationship with him and he doesn't bat an eye. Just staying Open to each other even if not ever opening up to Another again.

And it so satisfies me. I love him how he is loving me how I am.

HTH!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-10-2012 at 04:30 AM.
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Old 08-10-2012, 03:57 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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ON MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP COMPATIBILITY Pt 2: Polyamory vs Monoamory

(This is long excerpts from this thread.)

Quote:
Quote:
So to many here 'being poly' means simply having crushes on or falling in love with more than one person at a time. But not that you must act on it to 'be your authentic poly self?'
To me polyamory is the ability to love more than one at a time. But I don't have to ACT on it. My fav button is "Bi, poly and I STILL won't sleep with you!" I could be SINGLE and poly and not act on anything at all.
The desire for only one person to love romantically at a time to me is "monoamory." I think there are some people internally wired for mono- and some wired for poly-. Just like some people are wired for fast or slow metabolism or whatever trait. They just come wired how they come.

A polyamorous wired person could choose to be in a monogamous relationship structure. A monoamorous person could choose to be in a "V" structure. They both could choose to be celibate for all we know -- and still be polywired or monowired. Just not actively seeking a partner.

I mean, mono DH sees cute people on the street -- and he don't run over to them to jump their bones just cuz he saw them! He is a monowired man in a closed married rship!

Why would I jump their bones just cuz I'm polywired? Sheesh. I am in a closed married rship!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-10-2012 at 04:04 AM.
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