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Old 08-06-2012, 08:10 PM
DustimusPrime DustimusPrime is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 15
Default When to introduce a possible secondary to your primary?

Hey everyone, I'd like some advice!

So I've got an OKCupid profile currently and recently have a couple very nice women who I know I want to pursue friendships with. I am uncertain if these relationships will go any further, but I also don't know that they won't. I've hung out with one of them 3 times now, all 1 on 1, and the other one I've met with once.

Both of these women invited me out last weekend, when I mentioned this to my fiance, she asked if she was invited as well. I told her I didn't think so and she wasn't very happy about that. She wanted to meet these people too.

My question is this, when is a good time to introduce possible secondaries to your primary? My fiance thinks right off the bat should be natural and acceptable to start hanging out as a group of three. I'm worried that 1. it's too soon to introduce them (if I can't define the relationship, I think it's too soon) and 2. if I introduce them and we hang out as a group then the relationship might not build up to what it will be if we just hang out one on one.

To put it in perspective, this is the first time I've come across this situation. My fiance and I opened up a few months ago, and these are the first friendships I've started with interested women as a poly man. So any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I'm just over thinking things?
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:34 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,221

My old rule?

I don't get excited unless there something to be excited about. Ex:
  • You are dating someone more seriously. This could affect my calendar.
  • You are going loverly and it could affect my health.

So I'd ask your fiancee what her idea of a date number is. Aks your 3 date person -- what her date number is. And see if they want you to be organizing a simple coffee date to exchange particulars. *shrug*

Do it how YOU want to do it with you poly peeps. THEY are the ones you need to be asking for wants, needs, and limits.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-06-2012 at 08:37 PM.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:42 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

I want to meet prospective partners of my hubby's before they have contact with each others' naughty bits.

Hubby wants to meet my prospective partners when he knows they're going to be around for a while (at least 3 dates over the span of about a month and me seeming excited about the person OR consistent dates/talking for about 2 months).

Other people do it differently, like GG said, do what is right for you and yours.

Is there a particular reason she thought she would meet these women when you did? Have you been talking to them together?
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:50 PM
DustimusPrime DustimusPrime is offline
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Posts: 15

No, she's not talked to them at all yet. She didn't want to make an OKC profile, cause she has me and her gf and isn't interested in any more romantic relationships. I think she just assumed that anyone I'd meet would be friends with us as a couple first. But I dunno how easy that will be?
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:56 PM
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newtoday newtoday is offline
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Location: Canada
Posts: 191

It's different for everyone.

I didn't meet my boyfriend's OSO until we had been together for 6 months. After 6 months, we were already starting to fall in love with each other, already very intimate with each other.

I actually felt hurt that I hadn't met her sooner. His past lovers had all met her and they didn't last as long as he and I had been together already. So why not introduce me, was there something wrong with me?

His reason was that she didn't have many friends and she tended to befriend the ladies that he brought home to meet her. Then, when the relationships ended soon after, so did the friendship with her. So once he realized how deeply he and I were involved with each other, he brought me home to meet her.

It went well but oh boy was I ever nervous!

To each their own...you have to determine your own boundaries.

Hope this helps!
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:59 PM
DustimusPrime DustimusPrime is offline
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Posts: 15

Thanks for all the advice! This is great to hear different arguments each way.
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Old 08-06-2012, 09:27 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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Location: Seattle
Posts: 258

I think having them meet early on is fine if that's what makes everyone comfortable and happy. A simple chat, coffee date, whatever, to make sure everyone's on the same page can be helpful.

But, I think it's inappropriate that your fiance wants it all to be a socially packaged deal. You should have alone time to develop relationships, and I don't think it's either necessary or helpful to have everyone joined at the hip from the beginning.

If, after saying hey or sharing a cup of coffee, they both hit it off and want to develop their own friendship or relationship, then yay for them! Unless you are specifically dating as a couple (which I'm skeptical about anyway), however, you deserve time to figure out your relationships in your own space.

Fly and I don't really meet each other's dates at all, except inadvertently. But we're weird like that

- Moonlight, single, leans monogamous, girlfriend since 6/2012
- Punk, married guy, poly, FWB since 9/2011 with an emphasis on the "F"
- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy, ultimately amicable breakup), and his 11-year-old son Kiddo
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Old 08-07-2012, 03:13 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by DustimusPrime View Post
........ I think she just assumed that anyone I'd meet would be friends with us as a couple first. But I dunno how easy that will be?
I think this is the issue that needs to be clarified between the two of you to start with.
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Old 08-07-2012, 08:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I like to meet once for coffee or a drink, meet twice to see if there is a reason to meet more (longer date) and then they meet my live in partners. Sometimes I get them to pick me up and have a brief meet up at the door. After that we tend to do a group thing so that everyone can talk. I have four partners and a son, I like to make sure everyone fits and that everyone is comfy with each other... After that the intimacy is negotiated. Sometimes it changes up a little, but that's the way I have rolled for many years now.
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Old 08-07-2012, 10:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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RP-you just rock.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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