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  #1  
Old 08-06-2012, 01:25 AM
cherrygirl cherrygirl is offline
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Default Changed my mind.

Hi. I posted here once 3 years ago about my boyfriend turned husband wanting to open our relationship and wondering why I wasn't enough. From then to now, things have changed in my head. I went from being staunchly against it, to wondering what it would be like, to feeling like something is missing in my life and I'm not as happy as I could be to actively wanting to pursue other relationships. Problem is the last time my husband and I talked about poly I told him if he ever brought it up again I was leaving. That was three years ago and it hasn't been discussed since. Our relationship has not been good for awhile and I feel it is because neither one of us are really happy with the arrangement I insisted on. I feel trapped. He feels like I'm controlling him. It has gotten to a point where I no longer want a romantic relationship with him, we are just roommates. I find myself thinking about other people I want to be with but can't. I know he does too, not because he has told me but because I've seen the effects of him spending too much time on the phone with someone he told me loved and less and less time with me. I know this is coming off as that saying "relationship broken, add more people" but I wonder if opening our relationship may help? I know he doesn't want monogamy and never did, he just did it to make me happy and now I feel like I don't want it either, so what can it hurt? I don't have specific questions, just looking for advice I guess.
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  #2  
Old 08-06-2012, 01:35 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Its time to start telling him exactly how you feel and how you've changed. It's time to ask him how he feels and really listen to him as he answers. Yes, starting this conversation will start to change things between the two of you immediately. I think you know that, which is why you're hesitating to do it. That's what the two of you need to do. Neither of you will know what changes will occur until you experience them. The best way to find and honor your own truth and his is to start talking.
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  #3  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:19 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So... have a conversation.

Make a time/space that is free of distraction for a few hours. Have a heart to heart talk.

State your changing self, and your new wants, needs, limits. Do the brave thing and ask --

Are we still good together? Are we over? Is it divorce? A separation? A change? How do we want to be now? When it ends? Still at death do us part or something else?

Like are we done completely? Or is just THIS configuration of a monogamous married duo over and it's time be together BUT to evolve into our next configuration together? Like sanely approached polyamory, swinging or some other ETHICAL non-monogamy?

Talk to me. Husband -- where are you at?


Clearly you aren't being your best selves in Limbo, and staying there doesn't move either of you forward toward your best selves -- together or apart. Don't fear the discussion. Just... love each other through it, and hopefully you can arrive at the place you need to be at.

An amicable parting if that is what it needs to be and still be friends.

Or the start of another adventure together on the next trip around the Sun. Still friends, still lovers, still married, but now something else too.

Boldly speak your truth. Even if at a whisper.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #4  
Old 08-06-2012, 02:48 AM
cherrygirl cherrygirl is offline
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So, I told him when he got up that I don't want a monogamous relationship anymore. He doesn't believe me. He said that he is worried this is just step 1 of me walking out the door or that I say this now but will change my mind later. I said "If I didn't want to be with you anymore, I would just say that."

So, now what?
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  #5  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:08 AM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cherrygirl View Post
So, now what?
First of all, I applaud you for having the courage to start the conversation. Now your job is to keep talking. Acknowledge his fears. Tell him what you're afraid of. Tell him what you want. Keep the conversation moving. This is only a guess, but the abruptness of your question, "Now what?" hints at how hard it is for you two to have a meaningful conversation. Get out of your comfort zone. Open your heart to him. Maybe he so used to not having meaningful conversations with you that he needs time to get used to what it feels like to have you actually talk to him. You're doing the right thing. Keep it up. Keep talking. If he gets mad, ask him why he's mad. If he ignores you, ask him why he's ignoring you. If he says he doesn't believe you, ask him what you can do to help him believe you. The more you open up to him the more permission he will feel to open up to you. It might take time for the two of you to learn the basics of having a meaningful conversation. You're doing the right thing. Keep talking.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-06-2012 at 03:11 AM.
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  #6  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:21 AM
cherrygirl cherrygirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
First of all, I applaud you for having the courage to start the conversation. Now your job is to keep talking. Acknowledge his fears. Tell him what you're afraid of. Tell him what you want. Keep the conversation moving. This is only a guess, but the abruptness of your question, "Now what?" hints at how hard it is for you two to have a meaningful conversation. Get out of your comfort zone. Open your heart to him. Maybe he so used to not having meaningful conversations with you that he needs time to get used to what it feels like to have you actually talk to him. You're doing the right thing. Keep it up. Keep talking. If he gets mad, ask him why he's mad. If he ignores you, ask him why he's ignoring you. If he says he doesn't believe you, ask him what you can do to help him believe you. The more you open up to him the more permission he will feel to open up to you. It might take time for the two of you to learn the basics of having a meaningful conversation. You're doing the right thing. Keep talking.
You're right, we don't really talk about our feelings. Neither one of grew up in environment where it was safe to do so. My mother wouldn't tolerate any dissenting opinions from my sisters and I and his mother would use anything he told her as ammunition to hurt him with. So, we carried that into adult life. The closer I get to someone, the less I can handle being vulnerable. He is just closed up period. I am therapy and have been for many years working on my issues, but he is afraid of therapy. Either way neither one of us are good communicators.
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  #7  
Old 08-06-2012, 03:10 AM
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Glitter Glitter is offline
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Have the conversation that GalaGirl suggested. Don't just say, "Hey, I want an open relationship", but actually sit down and discuss it. It took my hubby and I 7 years of talking about it before we were in a place to open our marriage. We've been so much better off being able to be honest with each other, about our wants and needs and limitations. So do it, talk to him. Have the long ass conversation that you so need. Nothing will change until to both talk about it
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