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  #1  
Old 07-26-2012, 03:50 PM
RagingBibliophile RagingBibliophile is offline
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Question Lost and lonely

Hi guys. A little bit about me and my situation. I'm 24 with three kids (yeah...) been married to my husband for 6 years now. He recently had an affair and after it blew up in our faces, decided to come out and tell me that he felt like he wanted to be poly-amorous. I have no qualms about encounters here and there... together... but he has been going about this the wrong way, and I need some help. I saw this as a place where I can get information and advice from people who are more experienced than I am, or have been in similar situations in regards to either my husband or myself. Thank you guys.
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  #2  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:18 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Welcome. Sorry it is not under better circumstances.

I find it best to just be firm but fair. I feel your sorrow but you need to back up through your polymath tiers to the first one of "your relationship to YOU as part of a couple" tier to answer...

Are you still willing to BE in this couple? Was a hard limit broken? Was it a soft limit?

Then retravel down the tiers and check the links for breaks in the chain if you decide it is negotiable or not.

Every polyship, even a universe of 2, has polymath.

Yours? It breaks out to
  • 1)You to you (as part of a couple and not a footloose single. You took a ding from left field. Ow! Hang in there.)
  • 2) You --> him (you seem open to trying to understand all this. Despite your pain. Kudos to your willing to not shut YOU down.)
  • 3)Him --> himself (as part of a couple. He dropped MAJOR balls in this tier)
  • 4) Him --> you (How well he owned up? Or it was discovered hemming hawing? I don't know how he is playing on this tier. This could influence how you feel about apple knowledge.)
  • 5) you + him = as a duo. The team working well as a team. (By dropping balls in that other tier, this one took some dings)
  • 6) You - Him = how/when the relationships ends. How you want it to be. Because all relationships end. You may have thought you signed up for "death do us part." That's an ideal, noble, certainly. I have it too. But I've also covered divorce with my DH and how we want to part if that happens. How to be in a way that leaves us friends at the end of the transition phase. Because I'd like to be friends. I do NOT want stupidshitthings. I can bear pain of parting but I cannot stand stupidshitthings.

Here's my gamebook. I keep it short. Life being life, I expect conflict. That's another page for HOW I deal with it, but my mission states "3 times you are out" if it's the same dang crap all the time with no effort in repairs. I sign up to support you in your own personal growth sure. But make an effort TO grow!

What sort of framework in your marriage rship do you have in place to deal with breech of contract? Calling into account? Making ammends?
  • Because that trust repair work has to happen first. But only AFTER *I* decide I'm still willing to play ball here. I might not be. (In my world lying is a one strike game over, even lies of omission. I'd have to have evidence of extenuating circumstances and right reasons to consider giving it a pass.)
  • Then perhaps we can talk about renegotiating the rship contract to incorporate poly needs after examination in subcommittee
    • Are they really needs? Or just his cop out to his philandering ways?
    • Was he actually philandering? Or intent/heart was pure but his communication skills are emotionally weenie?
    • Is he closet poly just struggling to drive this car ethically? Has he apologized? Made ammends?
    • Is he closet hard swinging? Does he want to do THAT ethically or not? Has he apologize? Made ammends?
    • what's the weak link in there?
    • and are you willing to take all that on board or is it a hard limit for you? Are his limits fair? Because if you open up, you both open up right? What is good for the goose is good for the gander. You might not CHOOSE to actually exercise that right to see others. BUT EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL!
  • Identify the weak and strong points that need work. Then work it.
  • BEFORE moving on to actually dating in poly ways. (If it is really poly.) If it is swing, seek swing boards for support/guidance. That's a different arena of ethical non-monogamy.

I would be seriously leery of working with the affair partner. Were they lied to? Or were they enabling? Or did they not give a damn about handling my buckets with minimal sloshing?

That part may go out to subcommittee if he wants to continue rship with dishonest beginnings.

Before any of that gets rolling it's still at the #1.

YOU. So we come fill circle:

Do you even want to go there? To continue to be in relationship with him? And if so, what will "being in RIGHT relationship with me" take now?


Those answers are within you. Not without. I cannot begin to answer that for you. I can only share how I deal with things like this. And so far I have not had that exeperience of a cheating partner. Lying yes, but not lie & cheat.

I gave it one snooze tag, and lies continued so I broke up. I felt terrible for a time and then I felt much much better and FREE of lies stupidshitthings. Yay!

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2012 at 06:20 PM.
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  #3  
Old 07-26-2012, 05:48 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Before you read my post-please re-read GG's post, it's got a WEALTH of info you REALLY need to consider first.

IF AFTER you go through the things above, you decide you want to make it work with him-

FIRST- HE needs to study up on what POLYAMOROUS is and HOW TO CHANGE from a cheater to a poly person in ACTION AND ATTITUDE before it will ever be possible.
(this said, from a wife who cheated and is now poly, with the husband and the lover whom I cheated with)

SECOND- YOU need to study up on it and identify how you will have to change in action and attitude from a monogamous lifestyle, mindset, expectations etc; to a poly one.

THIRD-you need to have a SERIOUS discussion about the other woman. AND if the decision is that he's in love with her and wants her to be his other partner-THEN
SHE ALSO needs to do the above steps.


That said, I cheated for nearly 10 years on my husband with the other love of my life. It was painful for all of us. When I finally found out what polyamory was, I figured out that my problem was being naturally polyamorous (capable of being fully in love with more than one person simultaneously) and trying to fit into the box of monogamy that I'd been taught.
I expressed my quandry to my husband. He wasn't happy-but he'd already caught me several times in the affair and was intrigued (through his pain) at my sudden honesty.

That was nearly 3 years ago. I committed on September 25th 2009 to not lie again-ever to my husband or myself or anyone else.

It's been HELL. The first year my husband was a total mess, seeking revenge, wanting to punish my boyfriend and I. He made false accusations and true accusations and he didn't believe anything I said.
But, I stuck to my guns always telling the truth-even when it hurt me to admit it and when I knew it was going to hurt him.
The second year was me struggling becuase he wasn't being honest. He was lying about what he wanted, what he could handle, how he felt. I was angry that I was putting myself out there completely-and risking the most vulnerable parts of myself to him honestly-only to have him beat me down with distrust and accusations AND protect himself with lies.
The first half of this last year was much of the same.
Then, a breakthrough in March clicked for him-when he lost his girlfriend and potential lover, through his own lies (of omission).
Since March our world has started to spin gracefully together, with my boyfriend who lives with us (and our kids).

But-that is three years of HELL. Not a little struggle. HELL.

So, YES it can work.
No you can't control polyamory by limiting "who and when" someone falls in love. You can limit how a person is allowed to act upon their emotions-but that often backfires terribly.
No it isn't easy to transition from cheating to full honest, open, loving relationships with one another-it's harder with multiple people.

(feel free to read my blog if you want to see some of the ups and down issues and suggestions that I found helpful along the way. But, seriously-go re-read GG's post a few times-it's VERY profoundly necessary steps she laid out there)
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  #4  
Old 07-26-2012, 06:09 PM
RagingBibliophile RagingBibliophile is offline
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Thank you very much. The information you have given me and the information that I know will come, along with similar experiences will definitely be a big help. Yeah, it was very hard. We were having troubles and he basically just gave up and looked for an equally miserable person to lean on. He lied (later saying it was for my own protection, since he didn't want to hurt me) and saw her for a year, enough to get her pregnant. (She terminated, and I don't know if it makes me a bad person to not feel horrified about it.) I'll be posting a blog to write more in depth, and maybe have some help in sorting out my feelings. It's been a very rough time for me. I appreciate any help that you guys are willing to give me, and any experiences you guys are willing to share.
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Old 07-26-2012, 06:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Ugh. That sounds messy.

Though we are closed now, DH and I are HARD LIMIT firm on genetic monogamy and barrier sex. (Ex: condoms, dams, etc)

We still hang on tight to "DO NOT LIE. Hard truth it to me. I can take it!"

And in all these years that served us well.
  • Things may be hard to speak. So fucking SHOUT IT out if even in a whisper.
  • Things maybe be hard to hear. So fucking LISTEN LIKE A MOFO even amid internal hurricane emotional weather!

We were having troubles and he basically just gave up and looked for an equally miserable person to lean on.

More like "avoid with" -- because he's been avoiding some rship work with you long before the affair it sounds like.

WHY having troubles in the rship? Adding NEW person to the mix just amps up the polymath and that's no help at ALL.

If it was from lack of people articulating wants, needs, and limits so everyone could have right to clear communication?

I smell emotional weenie-ness afoot that needs repairs. Is he very emotional work shirky? That's what I'm whiffing.

I apologize if I sound terse or brusque but "emotional weenie-ness" is a personal peeve that pushes ALL my buttons. NO rship can hope survive on weenie. EVER. Communication is just too needed and critical a vehicle . It's the basic back and forth shuttle of the RELATE in RELATIONSHIP.

He lied (later saying it was for my own protection, since he didn't want to hurt me)

Nope. He did not want to own his weenie in articulating his wants, needs, and limits to you.

Then he wanted to not feel/own the yucky in his lie of omission. So had to make peace with himsefl in his mind so changed his dishonesty to noble "protection" of you.

He's not owning what he fears. What's he fear? And will he try to hand you that baggage of his to hold for him?

and saw her for a year, enough to get her pregnant. (She terminated, and I don't know if it makes me a bad person to not feel horrified about it.)

I don't care. Her body is her body and her domain.

I'd just be furious if my partner put MY body in danger without my knowledge. He was obviously going bareback -- could have given me cooties! THIS is how he protects wife? GRRR!

AND this is how he protects his OWN health and well being? He could catch something and leave me a widow? How's THAT protecting wife? GRRR!

I'll be posting a blog to write more in depth, and maybe have some help in sorting out my feelings. It's been a very rough time for me. I appreciate any help that you guys are willing to give me, and any experiences you guys are willing to share.

Again, welcome and again sorry it isn't under better terms.

But however this rship destiny unfolds, I hope YOU get to the place you need to be at to feel better than this in your own destiny.

hugs
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-26-2012 at 06:37 PM.
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  #6  
Old 07-26-2012, 07:33 PM
RagingBibliophile RagingBibliophile is offline
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Thank you, so much, GG, for pointing out about the bareback-ed-ness! I had asked him back when he first came clean, if they had been intimate, so that I could get tested, as we go bareback since I have an IUD (sorry, if tmi, lol), and he said they hadn't. Then after finally telling me, he claims that she stated that she was on BC. When I asked her, she claimed that she was, but that, surprise, surprise, it failed. I told him that it was pure foolishness and that he should've learned from his mistakes (ours). And that is what he doesn't seem to understand, that what HE does, also affects me, since he has chosen to keep me in his life.

Yes, he is emotionally constipated. His mother is a terror, and his dad was very repressed. I come from a very loving family, very passionate, in love and in fighting. I always tried to give him love, hugs, and affection. I backed off after he told me that it was getting annoying, and that he didn't want it all the time. Then he said that he thought that it meant I wanted to leave him because I wasn't showering him with affection anymore. Ugh. Anyways, I've still got a lot of anger still pent up inside me, but I really want to get rid of it and move on. I'm still foolish enough to love him, and am still at a loss as to what will happen the next time. I am open minded, but he has caused so much harm with his lies and sneaking around.

I have posted my blog. It's entirely too long, but it felt good to spill it out.

Last edited by RagingBibliophile; 07-26-2012 at 07:50 PM.
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